A Survivor's Diary

April 23, 2018

Wow, Dee, three day in a row. Go me.

No one tells you about the way your heart will ache and feel like it's just going to stop at any given moment.
No one tells you about the insanity in your mind while you try to fathom how it was even remotely possible.
No one tells you about the humiliation you feel when you can't help but think of the things you could have done better.

I wish I could go back and relive it again, do things differently.
But that's the thing. When we are living in the moment, we think we are 100% aware of the situation--that what is in front of our eyes is what is truly is.
There is a backstage to every person, every friendship, and every relationship.
They have rehearsed their lines, they have practiced. Being a mere audience member, you never get to know what happens back there. You see what they want to show you. Nothing more and nothing less.

Isn't that terrifying?

In any show, you see the foreshadowing. You feel the uneasiness. Sometimes you can even predict what is going to happen.

That isn't always the case. The sad reality of this show is that it's too intense to predict. Instead, it will hit you like a brick wall. There are no warnings. No signs of a storm.

I've been thinking a lot today. I'm having so many feelings all at once. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I don't know how to handle it all right now. I need to run away.

But now I have no one to run to.