A Survivor's Diary

January 2015

 Quite the time jump, huh?

Something else happened toward the end of that other stuff. 

I was a senior in high school. I had a little fling with this guy from another school. Nothing serious, just a fling.

I spent a lot of time at a friend's house, often partying. Although, I typically never drank because I like to be aware of the situation.

But one night around the end of January, I did. I had a rough day and I decided to get drunk. We had a party at her house because her parents were out of town.
We didn't have a whole ton of alcohol, like an 18 pack of beer and a 6 pack of Mikes for me. I'm pretty sure I was drunk before the majority of the people got there.
I remember one of my close guy friends was there. He helped take care of me. He put me to bed once I had blacked out and passed out. 
But unfortunately his girlfriend called and needed him so he left. I don't remember this, but it is what he told me later. So there was no one to help make sure I was okay. I was the only one who was really fucked up that night. 
I don't remember it.

What I do remember is he, not my guy friend, calling me by my best friends name. That is all I remembered the next day.

I woke up in bed with him. I was extremely sore. I didn't remember, but I knew. I was in physical pain. 
He was sober that night.

I was not.
I called my best friend and told her.

She laughed at me.
Fun fact, she was romantically involved with him.

With the guy who took advantage of me that night.

It didn't take long for people to find out.
One person said, "Congratulations."
Congrats on the rape, Sydney.

Some people said it was my fault since I got drunk.
I guess getting drunk means anybody can do what they want with my body.
I freaked on the guy. I asked him why he would do that to me.
He had no reason.
I asked him if I had said yes. Yes to having sex with him.
"No, but you didn't say no either."
I wasn't in a condition for give consent or not.

I was sick for weeks. Brain sick. I felt like I was on drugs. I had never done drugs, but I imagined that was what it felt like. 
I couldn't think. It was the worst brain fog I have ever experienced to date. I felt like I wasn't in my body. 
Some people reported my condition to the school. I got called in by the counselor, who then sent me to the school police officer.
I was hesitant to tell him, I was scared of getting in trouble for the alcohol and I was scared he would have to call my mom.
I was 18, so he wasn't allowed to take action unless I permitted him to. 
He called in a sexual abuse counselor. I met with her in his office. She was going to find me some assistance and help me through my trauma. She asked for my phone number.

She never called.

I felt like I wasn't worthy of the help. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I didn't. But it sure didn't make my mental health any better.

Ever since then, I get brain fog really bad. It lasts from days to weeks. 

I don't think I will ever heal.