She Writes

Never Really Gone

Written for American Lit. Family Story.

It was still hard for me to believe she was gone. The woman who sewed together my favorite blanket when it ripped, who let me sprinkle sugar on my fruit, who bought me anything from cookies to QVC blankets, wasn't here anymore.
Sitting in the front row of my Nona's grave-side memorial was bizarre. I put my life on pause for two hours to mourn and celebrate her life, and in the blink of an eye, had to move on. Despite the quickness and business of life, I think about her almost every day. I will always remember her kindness toward every person she met, a quality that went hand-in-hand with her cooking, as she made sure she fed anyone who walked into her home. Most importantly, I will always be inspired by her strength, something that I know never left her even in her last couple years.
As I sat in front of her grave on that cold December day, I thought about one of the biggest examples of her strength. I remembered her voice on the audio tapes my mom had taken years ago and the courage it must have taken to go on the journey she did. My Nona's journey to America, even void of detail, inspires me to face every day with strength and bravery and reminds me that even though I cannot see her, she is always with me.

The sun was shining bright and pigeons were flying overhead, making it a beautiful day in Genova, Italy. If today was a normal day, I would be working in my garden or cooking a fresh batch of gnocchi, but today was different. The large ship casting shadows over me reminded me of that. Today was the day I would be traveling to America, along with my husband, Meeko and my son, John.
"Nicolo Picinich?" My husband's given name brought me out of my thoughts as I looked ahead and watched him get cleared by the customs official. When he was finished, I stepped up to the man witha bundle of paperwork in one hand and John in the other.
"Documenti? (Documents?)"
"Qui, e per mio figlio, (Here, and for my son.)"
"Reason for travel?" The man raised an eyebrow, glancing first at Meeko, then at me and John.
"Family," I replied hesitantly. My aunt had contacted me when her husband passed, telling me I should bring Meeko and John to live with her in America. I figured there would be more opportunity for us there anyway. Meeko could make more money fishing with American boats and I could get John into a good school. Despite all of the promising circumstances, there was still a feeling of apprehension that tugged at my heart. When the customs official finished checking over our paperwork and gave me and John a final nod, I turned to Meeko, who had been waiting silently to the side, took his hand, and walked towards the ship. With my family by my side, my nervousness settled slightly, and I reminded myself that as long as they were with me, I would be alright.
Time passed quickly and soon all that could be seen from the deck of the ship was blackness and the soothing light of the stars. After finishing up a card game with a group of Italian women staying on the same level as my family, I followed the sound of laughing children until I finally found John in the middle of a game of jacks. As we walked silently to our room, I smiled at the thought of my quiet Meeko playing poker somewhere near by. My smile turned to a slight shudder when I opened our cabin door and was met with a rush of cold air.
"Hladno je, (It is cold.)" John shivered as he warily checked out the room. It was simply furnished, with one big beds and a table and chair in the corner. The gray color of everything is what sucked out all the warmth, so I laid my green shawl across the chair after turning on a small lamp next to it.
"Better?" A small smile formed on his face as he walked over and touched the cloth lightly with his small hand. Then he hugged me, accidentally letting out a big yawn as he did so.
"Off to bed now," I said, kissing him on the forehead and watching him stumble to the small bag of clothes I had packed for him. 
"When will papa be back?" John asked as he laid in the middle of our bed.
"Soon, I hope," I replied, the last two words coming out as more of a whisper. Not long after, I was settling into bed next to John, who was sound asleep, and Meeko had still not returned. I tried to keep my worry at bay as I shut my eyes and drifted to sleep.
I woke to a sudden lurch, followed by footsteps and voices, and finally the sound of an opening door. It took me a couple moments to shake away my sleepiness and become alert enough to see Meeko rushing to my side.
"Where have you been," I scolded, giving him a warning glance while briefly checking on John, who thankfully still appeared to be sleeping.
"The fueling room," he explained, "I've been working in there with some other men for hours now."
"Why, what's wrong?" The worry I had been suppressing for the past few days rose up yet again.
"Something is broken; I'm not quite sure what the problem is. Most of the men on our level have been requested to help. I will be back as soon as I can but I just wanted to say I love you." He kissed me on the cheek and was back to the door quicker than I could process. It wasn't until the door shut behind him and the room had lost all light that I could respond.
"I love you too."
The next time I woke up I felt well rested and peaceful, until I remembered what had been going on only a couple of hours ago. I rushed out of bed after waking up John as gently as I could. After hastily dressing myself, I tossed some clothes on the bed for him. I instinctively went to grab some for Meeko as well, but stopped and stared at the undisturbed blankets on the left side of the bed. He hadn't returned during the night, but as soon as John finished buttoning his shirt, we would search for him.
"Hurry, Johnny,"  I said for what had to be the fifth time this morning. My patience was dwindling along with my hope as John and I approached our final area to look: the outside deck. Sadly, there was no one in sight, so I took a deep breath and stood by the railing. The sunrise before me was magnificent. Color bled into the sky and the rolling clouds were stained with orange, yellow, pink and red. Its beauty touched me, causing my nervousness, worry, and hopelessness to spill in the form of a single tear rolling down my cheek. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds later that I felt something brush across my arm. Meeko, covered in grime and sporting some small rips in his shirt, stood by my side and gazed at the sky as I had been. I sniffled a bit, but continued to silently watch him, knowing he would speak when he was ready. Slowly, the smile that I loved so much was spread across his face and he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye.
"You're still more beautiful than any sunrise I have ever seen." A smile finally broke on my own face as well and he chuckled, still gleaming at me while patting John on the head in greeting. Then, his expression became more serious, but the sparkle never left his eye.
"I am almost completely sure the ship is okay. We worked all night, and I don't think any other problems should arise. I know you must be worried—"
"Worrying does me no good," I cut him off, taking his hand in mine as I did. "Everything will be okay as long as I have you, John, and faith that God will continue to make the sun rise every morning." He nodded, and turned back toward the sky, his eyes twinkling brighter than I had seen in a long time. The next breath I took felt refreshing and the peace I had just spoken of rushed over me. I whispered it again to myself as the sun rose higher and a soft chatter began as people began their new day aboard the ship. The ship that was leading us towards an unknown future, but one I finally knew I would be able to take on.
"Everything will be okay."