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Joshua POV
My eyes open slowly, and the first thing I see is Hansol sitting at the side of the bed with his head in his hands. His hair is all tousled and messy from constantly running his fingers through it. I don't want him to be sad. I don't want him to be so stressed over me. I move my hand to his and give it a small squeeze. "Don't cry." I whisper.
He looks at me, and his eyes are red from crying. "Oh my gosh, I was so worried about you." He sounds like he's going to cry again, and I rub my thumb over the back of his hand. "Don't worry about me, " I reassure, "I'll be alright." he furrows his eyebrows.
"Joshua, just stop saying that shit," The tone of his voice changes as if he's getting angry. "I know you're not fine, not at this moment. You were never 'just fine'." He maintains eye contact with me, "Even before I met you, you had so many problems." He squeezes my hands in a warm, reassuring way. "All I've ever wanted was to make you feel happy, care-free, loved. I know you deserve so much better than this." I feel confused. "But you're the only one I've ever wanted, you're so kind to me, to be honest, half the time I find myself feeling like I don't deserve you."
Suddenly, his entire expression changes. "God fucking dammit!!" I flinch at him raising his voice like that. "When will you ever learn that you need to be more selfish? You need to learn how to toughen up or for your whole life, everyone's going to be taking advantage of you." He takes a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry for stressing you out so much." I whisper.
"That's just it! You shouldn't apologise so much, why are you so weak?" He asks, "Get a fucking grip! You can't expect to get very far in life if you always remain this soft!" he falls silent for a while, then I feel wet tears drip onto my hand. "I'm the one who should be apologising." He says apologetically, "Do you want to be alone for a while?" he asks, running his fingers through his hair again.
He doesn't wait for my answer, getting up from his seat and leaving the room. I watch as he closes the door behind him, "I'm sorry, Josh, I think I just need some time alone for now." I don't want him to leave.
Hansol, I want you to stay here with me but you're probably feeling extremely frustrated right now and obviously, everyone needs alone time.
I'm too weak for him. He's so sick of it, does he even feel glad to have me back??
No no no, of course he does, he says he loves me. We've had so many happy memories together, he's just stressed about everything. Stressed because of me...
I lie on my back, staring up at the white ceiling. Why did all of this have to happen to us? Why couldn't we just stay happy the way we were? Why? WHY??
I crumple the blanket up to my face, I don't want to be left alone. But Hansol wants me to be a stronger person, I can't be too dependant on him anymore, that's pretty clear now. So I have to be strong! It'll be good for everyone since I don't think anyone (except Jeonghan) would want to baby me anymore. Hansol's always taken good care of me and we're happy together, I want to be able to return the amount of love and care he's given me these past months.
