yaoi one shots

yours (iwaoi)

(there's gonna be a lot of ands and ors in this with not many commas but this is intentional, i promise. my english teacher would beat my ass but these are oikawa's thoughts coming directly from his head and I don't think many people's thoughts are punctuated perfectly <3 btw you should definitely listen to gravity and crash by eden, nervous and stuck with me by the neighbourhood and also dead inside and the remedy for a broken heart by xxxtentacion while reading <33)

The feeling of his rough (yet soft) lips on mine still lingers from days ago. These 'drunk mistakes' we continue to make follow me wherever I go, taunting me with the fact that I want what I can't have. The fact that I'm not yours.

I'm not yours.

Even saying this in my head causes me more pain than imaginable. The weight that calls my chest it's home returns once again, slowly suffocating me and crushing my ribs. But I deserve it, right?

I do. 

I deserve it.

I deserve it for loving my best friend, for staying by his side even though what I want is completely different than what he does, for allowing these stupid things to happen when he's too drunk to remember them the next day. But I never am.

I remember every fucking moment of every single time it happens. Every touch stays imprinted on my body for weeks afterwards, barely fading at all. Each time I look at my body all I can see is the small bites and marks and reminders that no matter what I do I'll never have the privilege of calling you mine. I'll never get to hold you or stay close to you or be with you or watch you from the other end of the aisle as my dad holds my hand and prepares to give me to you forever.

The only opportunities I get to be close to you are when you're too drunk to remember that I'm Oikawa Tooru and you're Iwaizumi Hajime and that I'm your best friend and not someone you want to hold or be with when you're fucking sober. I'll only ever get to see you on the aisle when I'm standing there as your best man. You're never going to be mine, ever.

I don't even realise I'm crying until I'm lifted off of the kitchen stool and placed on the lounge, face to face with the reason for my tears.

"Oikawa?" The name stings, especially coming from him. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing Iwa-chan, don't worry about it." I wipe my eyes and give him my best smile, trying to convince both him and myself that everything is fine.

"Don't give me that bullshit, those stupid fake smiles might work on your fangirls but they won't fucking work on me. We're best friends, Tooru, just tell me." Hajime growls, forcing me to look at him.

The title best friends hurts more than it should. I force out a small, harsh laugh. 

"You really, really don't want to know, Iwaizumi. It's fine." 

"Tooru," He tilts my chin up so I have no choice but to look right at his beautiful face. "tell me."

I can't stop the tears from slipping out of my eyes.

"You'll hate me." I sob, shaking uncontrollably.

"I could never." He says softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

We'll see about that.

"What's wrong is that loving you has been so fucking easy yet at the same time it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, falling has always been my downfall but it's so much fucking worse when it's for you. What's wrong is that my first love is straight and only thinks of me as their best friend. You don't remember taking my virginity and you don't know that every single time you inhale and fucking exhale again I become more lost in the void that is loving you."