No More No More

That's Why I Carry My American Express Card

"What?" I demand flatly.

        "You are sick, yes," the doctor says.  "Alcohol poisoning is also present.  You need to stop with the drugs.  All that, and–"

        "There's a thing inside me," I cut her off in disbelief.

        "Yes, there is."  The nurse beams, thinking that I'll beam too.  I don't.  Not in the slightest.  All I can think about is Steven.

        You're thinking: Bout time!  Jeez!  You've been together for what, almost a year?  I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner, like with Steven!  Or maybe you're thinking, Steven?!  Really Annie?!  Steven.  Not Joe?  Only Steven?

        Yeah, dingbats.  Steven.  Why, you ask?  Well:

      Steven was pissed beyond belief when Julia got pregnant from someone he didn't know.  He didn't love Julia.  I can't be sure that he loved me either, but I think that he did, so... Imagine what he'll be like when he hears about this.  His guitar player–that he can't seem to get along with for more than five minutes–and his ex-girlfriend who he claimed to love for five years.  He's gonna flip.  He's gonna take the meaning of being pissed to a whole new level.  Who knows, maybe he'll combust?  Maybe he'll be so pissed that steam will come out of his ears and nose and he'll just explode?  Maybe burst into flame?

        One can only dream...

        "Miss?" the doctor's voice leaked into my thoughts.  "Everything okay?"

        "Oh, totally," I say hysterically.  "Thanks for your time."

--

Is it possible for one to sit on a couch and stare at their stomach for hours on end?

        Yes.

       I got home, sat on the couch, and stared at my stomach, as if I stared hard enough, I'd develop Xray vision and see the thing.

        Sorry if calling it a thing is offensive; it's weird to say my baby.  Oh, God, it makes me shudder.

        I thought about how people would react.  What my mom would think; what my father would say; what Steven would do; what Tom and Joey and Brad would act like; how Joe would take the news.

        Annie, I'd never leave you.  His voice from a much earlier conversation rang through my aching head.  Oh, God, what happens when you party while pregnant?  Of course I know the answer... I'd just like to not think about it.  I wish something could take my mind off this–

        How nice.  The piercing phone.  Right by my head.  At least it's a distraction.  Oh, God, it hurts my head though.  Oh, right, answer it.  "Hello?" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose.

        "Annie, what's up?"

        Shit, why's he so keen on calling now?  "Nothing.  Nothing at all," I say a bit too quickly.

        "You sure?"

        "Yep, everything's awesome.  Great.  Cool.  Fantastic.  Never better.  Really, really great," I say.  Shut the fuck up, you idiot!

       "Okay... I just wanted to see how you were doing," Joe said carefully.  "But since you're awesome, great, and cool and all that jazz..."  What if I just told him right now?  What would happen?  Would he fall over?  Would he say that he was right?  Nope, won't tell him.  Maybe I'll never tell him and he'll just find out all by himself.  Yeah, that should work: Annie, have you been gaining weight?