Have I really not used that for a title yet???
How???? ??
Apparently I've never rambled about how much I love Firefly, but hEY GUESS WHAT I DO
Mhmmm m it is somewhat late why do you ask
So,, kinda getting real for a second idk?? I don't know where this is gonna go but expect loads of ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and ?????????? ????
So, I mean, alright look when I was,, seven I think? I quite literally told my parents I didn't want friends
The p h y s i c a l e m b o d i m e n t of the meme
I don't need friends, they disappoint me
I STILL CANT BELIEVE HOW PERFECT DJDKSGKSJ
Away from the first of many tangents I ended up telling that to Queenie the other day, and even though I laughed and thought it was funny she said it was sad and felt bad for me??
It kinda made me realize that I was, pathetic in a very self-caused way for a long time
I always assumed toxic referred solely to people in romantic relationships and/or being physically/mentally hurt by their friend, something that would really cut deep, y'know? And I didn't have that by any stretch of the imagination, but in elementary, I got pretty pathetic
I had like,,, one friend at school, and despite the fact that we were in fourth grade when she started she began to try and alienate others from being my friend
GOD these aren't real problems,, I was just hit hard because I'm an only summer child who didn't start to grow up until she was a freshman in high school
But yea, in fifth grade I joined some gals who were, fine, I think, and I was alright
But I developed this attitude where I wanted to be less childish, I think it was because I was so incredibly younglike and it made me unbalanced
Last year was when it got bad,, all on my account, by the way, not here to blame the gals, I may hate most of their guts but that's just by association
It was as if any and all social skills had got up and left. I got weird, the wrong kind of weird. I started depending on my own creativity to try and distract myself, but I wasn't at a level of art I felt comforted by and I was too stubborn to get there, quite a waste. I drew cats crying in science class and mourned the loss of vocal cords at lunchtime. My lips felt forced together, I never knew how to talk but that was all I ever wanted to do. I depended on my parents and began to dread my sister's visits, scared that she would criticize the low level I knew I'd dropped to. I was constantly guilty, still am tbh, and I couldn't feel sorry for myself without hating the act, because that was one thing I was self-aware of – it was obvious how small my problems actually were. Jealousy became the easiest thing to encounter. I envied every artist or writer I came across, too caught up in my cloud of feeling sorry for myself to actually take the steps of improvement. I was so plain and dry and boring and empty all the time
Oh wow
I just read through that
Pretty edgy for a typical spoiled Caucasian with no problems hm Pearl
Then this year happened
God, thank you, unnamed girl from my old school, thank you for meeting Empress over the summer and introducing us
Because for the first time since I met Ryker, I hoped I could trust these people, I knew I could talk about whatever nerdy shit I enjoyed and they would listen, regardless of whether or not they knew what it was
