It's a long way down from here

Chapter four

Logan's Pov
It's been four days and my mind is still flipped. Today I am going to go on a run and I can't wait to take a nice shower. I haven't wanted to run in weeks but Riley makes me happier. Although I still don't know what I'm going to do on day ten. I'm mean maybe I will just let her down easy. Maybe she won't notice I'm gone if I go quick enough. I don't want to cause her any pain but I need this for myself and it's better to strike then get struck, better to screw then get screwed, better to punch then get punched, better to burn then get burnt (Too all my Riverdale peoples💁‍♀️❤️) and I always end up on the short side but not this time. I was outside running down empty streets. The cold air pushing against my chest making it feel like everything was heavier. My cheeks where burning and bright red like I had just been slapped in the face multiple times. My nose cold and runny but my feet burning of heat. The sweat trickling down my face was a feeling I had missed in a weird way. I turned the Conner and opened the gate to my house. I walked in and still nobody, It's always like that, I don't quite remember when it wasn't. I don't see Evan anymore or at least lately. I know I hurt him with my video but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I got into the shower and turned on the hot water, letting it trickle down my face as I thought about the night I lost my best friend.
I came home and he was packing. I was so confused. He didn't say much to me until I broke the deadly silence. "Evan please talk to me I really didn't mean it and I don't know what I was thinking." The words where spilling out of me and this time I couldn't stop them and I couldn't bite my tongue. He seemed to ignore all my pleading but I still couldn't stop myself. "Evan I know that with my video I went so far past the line that I couldn't see it but that was never my intention" I paused praying for a response, a rebuttal, anything. I just want to hear his voice. He still said nothing, the silence driving me crazy. "You hurt me logan. You hurt millions of kids and people of the internet. You where so mindless and reckless. I don't know who you are anymore. The Logan I know wouldn't go that far for views" he said, us now by the front door. "I know and I didn't do it for the views. I really didn't mean it" I pleaded, with a desperate tone lingering off of me. Still no response. "Good bye logan" were the last words that came out of his mouth before he walked away closing the door behind him making me feel dead inside, ripped into pieces. I don't know what to do now that I have nothing, no one.
I wish I could go back. I wish I didn't go in that damn forest like a dumbass recording everything. I wish I could walk down the street and not have 20 flashes going off at once. I wish I could go somewhere and not get yelled at because I'm logan Paul. Sometimes I wish I wasn't logan Paul, sometimes I wish I could hate logan Paul too. I can't hate logan Paul though because I need to be the biggest supporter of Logan Paul. "Logan?"... "Logan?"
I snap out of my thoughts and see that I'm still in the shower and I know recognized that Riley was banging at the door and repeating my name. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine" I hollered back turning the water off and stepping out of the shower, drying my feet on the floor towel. I grabbed my towel off of the hook right next to my shower. I started by wiping the water off of my face moving to my neck, then stomach, legs, arms, I did everything until I was done. "Logan are you almost done" Riley was still by the door just waiting for me. Sometimes I feel as though she is just waiting for me to make sure I don't die with in seconds of her being away. I don't mind her company but she is here for all the wrong reasons. I hate pitting but now that's all I know. Sometimes I question weather moving to LA was the right thing to do. I got into my room and Riley was sitting on my bed. She looked up from her phone and said "I'll leave for you to get dressed. Come down when your ready. We have something's planned today" I just sighed, not being able to get the words out of my mouth. I just sighed. I finished getting dressed and walked down the stairs. Riley was waiting like a lost puppy the way I used to wait for Chloe. I remember the day I lost her too.
"Chloe I don't understand"
"Logan you where reckless"
"I know and I'm sorry but I need you"
"Logan I can't do this your only going to bring me down with you. No more flirting, no more talking, no more hanging out, no more anything"
"I need you though, Chloe"
"And why would you need me"
"Because I love you?" I said almost as a question, I don't know what she wanted to hear but I need her to hear something, anything to make her stay, just a little longer is all I'm asking for, just a little longer. "No" she walked out of the same door Evan did and she didn't look back either.
Maybe if she did look back I would be broken. "Logan?" Riley was shaking me, snapping me out of my thoughts. We where in a car? When did we get here? Whatever. "Yeah. Sorry" I said trying to take in what was happening. "Logan when we get to Jakes house try to be there. Have your mind there, please." She said gently rubbing my shoulder. "Yeah, I will" I said still staring at my feet. We pulled into Jakes driveway and got out of the car. I haven't seen Jake in ages. I haven't talked to him since what I did. "What if he doesn't want to see me" I said the words burning holes in me because of the possible validity in my statement. "Don't worry he is your brother" she said grabbing my hand to pull me faster then the way I was walking. We where inside and sitting on the couch when Jake came down the stair case. He didn't say anything he just hugged me. That was a hug I needed. We stood there hugging each other in a comfortable silence. Me and Jake talked about everything and I explained myself to him. We hugged again and headed out to the car. "Reason number three, Jake" Riley smiled a perfect smile. I just laid my head back into the seat. We pulled into the driveway of my house and I walked inside Riley watched to make sure I was ok then left. I got to my bedroom and my head hit my pillow. That night unlike all the others I didn't sleep. I laid awake all night staring at the at the ceiling and not because I was sad but because I had an epiphany, maybe things aren't so bad.