It's a long way down from here

Chapter eleven: the note

Dear everyone,
Hey, it's me, Logan Alexander Paul.
I could do this in many different ways... I could go funny and say something like; they said life would kill me but it can't kill me if I'm already dead. I win!

I promised I would never write one of these but I promised a lot of things and clearly my actions in January have shown that my word doesn't mean much.
I could go on and on but I think I should take this a little more serious for once in my life.
I just wanted to say I love you. I love you all. I love you Jake.  I love you mom. I love you dad. I love you George. I love you mark. I love you Erika. I love you Evan, and I know you hate me but I still love you. Forever and always like we promised each other in college. I love you Johannes, I know we don't talk much anymore but you will always be in my heart. I love you Amanda. I love you chloe, I really was in love with you but not everything happens in my favour. I love you Bach. I love all of my social media friends, well the friends I had. Just remember I love you all. I did everything for you guys but now I need this for me. I can't wait for it to get better, there is no better for me. Even though I'm leaving and this is hypocritical of me, I want you all to be here tomorrow. To have kids and watch them grow up and have their own kids. I will be here every single step of the way to look over your shoulder and cry tears of joy. You are not meant to see me yet so don't even try to come say hello. I am going away and I don't want to meet any of you there. Promise me you won't do anything stupid, you all will change the world for yourself and a small part will be from me. You all touched my life in an important way and I thank you. I want everyone to follow my wishes in my will. Please don't fight I think everyone got what I wanted them to have. Ayla Please take good care of  maverick and Kong. 

Jake, baby bro, listen to me. I have loved you since the day you were born. We grew up together and I couldn't remember what life was like with out you. Little brother, I know your future is bright so don't write the ending now. You were the best brother I could've asked for, the best brother god could have given me. I thank you for our childhood, I love you.

Mom, my dear, dear, mom, I love you. From the bottom of my heart, I love you. You were the first face I could remember and on every scary night the first face I wanted to see. You made me feel safe, you made me feel loved. You blessed me with the perfect childhood. I had the best brother, a perfect dad, and the worlds best mom. I love you and I always will. When I go you will be the last thought in my head. Everyday I live on this earth is hurting me. The earth is hurting your baby. And this time you can't help. I am sorry but I need to help myself. Mom, just know that for many years you were the first thought in my head when I woke up and the last every night before I went to bed. I wish I would've hugged you every time you asked, I guess I was just a stupid, moody teenager. I hope you can forgive me for all the pain I have every caused you. Just know I was never truly mad at you, for anything. And your baby boy will rest easy after this.

Dad: the man of the house. Dad: the person I look up too. Dad: imperfectly perfect. Dad: the only man I knew I wanted to be. Dad: the person that helped me through my life. Dad: the one that always tried to be there. Dad: the one that always answered with "ask your mom". Dad: the person I have to make proud. Dad: the person that helped my mother. Dad: the person that helped create me. Dad: my very first and favourite superhero. Dad...I love you. I know paul boys don't do this; we are strong. But I was never worthy of the title. I am not a true Paul. I can't be strong. I'm sorry but I love you.

Everyone else just know your life has a lot to hold and you will do great. Johannes and Amanda, everyone ships it so make it happen. George, mark, and Kylie, I am happy you moved down the street from me, just wish I could've stuck around to enjoy the company.
Brendan, Evan, Spencer, Chloe, manager Jeff, you all weren't there when I needed you but I can't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Chloe I loved you, you were my first true love, I would have died for you but now I just wish you the best, I love you. Evan, you were one of my best friends but I guess our friendship wasn't strong enough for what I did in January. I wish I had more time to make it stronger. Brendan, you defended me after the incident in January, but you had to go to start a new chapter of your life. Your doing great and I will always love you. You can't be blamed for this, no one can. But you weren't even there so there is no possible way this can come back to you. Just please make me proud. Spencer, I know we didn't have a long time together but I love you. Remember that and I hope you film for someone else and make the best videos or do what your heart desires, whatever it is, I will be proud.

Manager Jeff, Jeffrey, I love you, you helped me get to the point in my career that I wanted to be at. You tried your best but not even you could fix me. I hope you make many stars and know that you are amazing. You helped me grow as a person and I don't know how I can repay you.

And the last people I want to say something to is the logang. I love you guys more then words can describe. I love you guys more then I loved myself. I know I have secrets that pissed you off and I know I pushed some of you away by my actions but my intentions were never to hurt you guys. Your literally perfect to me. If I could take pictures with every single one of you and talk and get to know all of you guys I would in a heart beat. I know some of you might feel sad that you won't get to meet me but know that you have always been in my heart and always will be. Like I preach to you guys: we are a family. I am sorry for hiding from you, just know I want you to be a maverick. Let people say what they want it doesn't matter and follow your dreams. Know that there is more to life then death. Death is just at the end of the road but that road is long and you can have a life time of perfection before death is even a thought. Just remember be a maverick, logang for life, I love you. And for the last time I will say: Logang you know I love you, and I will see you soon, take it easy fam, peace!

There is actually one more person: Riley, I love you. I fell in love with you. You are the last person I will ever love. I love you so much that I would die for you and kill to protect you. You found me on top of the cliff and I am thankful for that, but it still didn't work. You took me to different places and showed me another side of life. I don't know if you love me back just know I will always remember the first time I ever saw you, the first time I heard your name; it was music to my ears. Just remember I love you. For my fans, friends, and family that don't know who Riley is...she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and she found me before I jumped off the top of a cliff 15 days ago. She is the reason why I stayed alive for 15 more days, it was all for her. I love the way she scrunches her nose when she is surprising you. Or the way she laughs a little louder when she is hiding something. Or the way she looks slightly to the left and her cheeks get red like a tomato when I complement her. I love the way she chews ice when she gets nervous, it's adorable. Oh how I would kill to see her smile one more time... That beautiful smile.
I don't want anyone to mourn me, I am not worthy of such actions. And Riley I know you tried and you did great but sadly I have to say this is my suicide note.

~Logan Alexander Paul