No Strings Attached

Chapter Thirty-One

My eyes drag open, waking to a dark room. The second my eyes can focus on something, they focus on the cloudy sky outside of the window that I forgot to close.

I cannot believe the overwhelming urge to cry isn't gone.

I don't feel like myself. I feel helpless. I feel scared. I feel angry.

A month ago, my life was pretty uncomplicated. My job was my life. I only had memories to feel fear from.

My reality has changed.

In ways, I do like it. I like Giovanni's affection. I like his protection. I like laughing, talking, being with him.

But in other ways, I fucking hate this. I hate not being able to have the high ground, after a life of that being taken from me. I hate that my heart is depending on Giovanni. I hate that he can affect me so much. I hate that everything I hold dear is at risk right now because of something I have done...

I hate that it's easier to be alone.

My skin is crawling, even with Giovanni's arms wrapped around my body, his grip tight even in slumber. There's a deep pit in my belly, the negativity I've tried so hard to push back festering there like a disease.

Even with his arms around me, even with the recent memory of us together making love, I'm not happy. The darkness is here.

It's been so long since I've felt it like this.

I let go of Giovanni's arm circled around my chest, moving up slowly so I don't wake him. He stirs slightly, but his face remains content in sleep while I stand onto the cold floor. I forgot to turn up the heat.

In a daze, I walk around the apartment, my mind spinning restlessly. I try to warm milk but within seconds, I don't want it anymore. Instead, I walk into the living room, grabbing Great Expectations. Reading only the first page, I shut the book, unwilling to think of my mother right now.

I don't know what to do, what I want to do.

Within seconds, it becomes clear to me. I walk back into the room, grabbing black slacks and a white blouse, a pair of heels. I change in the living room, not bothering to do my hair or makeup right now. The clock reads 4:00 AM. I've been asleep maybe two hours.

With a hesitant glance back to the bedroom, I reach for my coat and purse and open the door.

***

I turn on the light, entering my office.

I release a sharp breath, relieved to be here... to be alone. I close the door, dropping my bag onto the couch. I remove my coat, also dropping it down, too lazily to hang it.

I walk to my desk, taking a seat heavily. My eyes scan over the immaculate desk, at all of my knick-knacks, my pens, my bonsai plant. I think of the years it took me to get here, the fights I had with myself.

The moments I didn't feel worthy of this. The moments I thought I'd just give up, just let the past take control.

I found a way to keep it at bay. That way was being alone.

Being alone was the only way.

And that is destroying me. Deep down I know it.

I'm letting Giovanni into my heart, more than I've let anyone in.

And I'm going to lose everything because of it.

It may not even be this picture getting out. It could be something else entirely but I know it's bound to happen. This scandal is a fucking ticking clock. It's only a matter of time before it blows up my whole life... Before it blows up his too.