Keeping Pushing

chapter 2

It was after midnight when Callie quitely got up. She slipped the blades wrapped in a piece of paper out from under her pillow and quitely headed to the downstairs bathroom. She couldn't risk waking Stef again. She got to the bathroom as quitely as possible sighed in relief when she finally sat down on the floor knowing she hadn't made a sound the whole way. She took out one of the blades and just held it in her hand for a few minutes. The last time she had cut herself pretty deep unintentionally and this time she knew she had to be more careful. She thought about where to cut because her wrists were definitely out. Her choice seemed to be beween her upper, inner arm or inner thigh. She settled on for the thigh and having made that decision quickly pulled up the leg of her shorts. She put the sharp edge of the blade to her thigh but something stopped her from pushing down. She couldnt figure out what it was but something in the back of her mind told her to stop. Callie dropped the blade in frustration. She didn't know what to do. Her eyes darted around the bathroom looking for nothing in particular until they landed on Lena's anti-nausea meducation. She remebered a statement Lena had made just a few days ago after a horrid about of morning-sickness - God I feel miserable. She had said. But having this child makes it all worth it. She hadn't meant the statement in the way Callie interpeted it but seeing those pills was all that Callie needed to stop that annoying voice in her head. She quickly picked up the blade again and this time she pressed it down onto her thigh and couldn't stop the small smile on her face or the tears in her eyes as she watched the blood flow out. She had made two more cuts before she finally began to feel some relief. She grabbed some tissue and held it firmly down on her thigh to stop the bleeding. She hadn't cut deep this time and she knew that the bleeding wouldn't take long to stop. A few minutes later a layer of blood dried over the cuts and Callie was able to get up. She taped down some gauze over her thigh and flushed all the tissue down the toilet. She wrapped up her blades back in the paper and quietly headed back to bed. Once she was safely under the covers she felt giddy with excitement  - she had been successful. The following morning was a weekday and everyone was in a rush as usual. Two bathrooms weren't enough for five teenagers and the kitchen was caotic as well. "It was easy for Callie to play things cool as no one was paying particular attention to her. Everyone was busy doing their own thing. She dressed in loose jeans and had the blades safely tucked in her pocket. She plastered a smile on her face, ate two pancakes and said all the right things to keep herslef out of the spotlight. "Oaky everyone in the car please." Lena announced as plates were left in the sink and packbacks were picked up. "Shotgun." Jesus called as he ran to the car. "No way." Mariana yelled. "You were in the front yesterday." "So what?" Jesus argued. "I called so it's my seat." He said getting into the passenger side. Mariana climbed into the back seat with a frown on her face and not so accidentally sacked Jesus in the head with her bag as she did. "You're such a loster." Jesus yelled. "Hey!" Lena chastised. "Cut it out or both of you can walk." The bickering instantly died down and Lena drove to school. "Hey." Wyatt said as he caught up with Callie and gave her a kiss. "Hi yourself." She smiled at him. "You seem happy today." He observed. "You say that like it's a bad thing." Callie joked. "No, no." Wyatt said. "Just the unsual... for you, that is." Callie shoved him playfulluy causing him to easily lift her off the ground in a fireman's lift. His grip on her leg falling right where she had cut. Callie gasped at the pain and Wyatt instantly put her down. "Sorry, did I hurt you?" He asked looking uneasy. "I'm fine." Callie covered up. "Just cramps." "Cramps uh? Isn't that supposed to put you in an even worse mood?" Wyatt tried to lighten up the mood. "But I guess since you're naturally a freak PMS for you is everyone else's normal." Wyatt had meant that as a joke but for Callie it was real. She was a freak and the fact that Wyatt had even thought it was proof that he had considered it too. The feeling stuck with Callie for the rest of the day putting her in a more appropriate PMS mood and late that night she found herself back on the bathroom floor holding tissue to three more cuts on her leg and just like the night before she felt instantly relieved when the blood flowed out. "Want to go to the mall?" Mariana asked after school the following day. "Um, oaky." Callie said. She didnt particularly enjoy the mall but it would give her something to do. Mariana changed into a different outfit while Callie put on her shoes, still in the jeans she had worn to school. "You should wear a dress." Mariana said casually to Callie. "I don't do dresses." Callie laughed. "You do too... Mariana told her. "My Quinceanera and the wedding." "Oaky, I dont do dresses unless forced to." Callie corrected herself. "Fine, I'm forcing you." Mariana with an air of authority. Callie stood up close to Mariana, about half a head taller than her. "You can force me when you're taller than me." She announced causing Mariana to slump her shoulders. "Come on." Mariana pleaded. "It'll be fun to get you all dressed up." "Um No." Callie said firmly as she walked out the door far away from Mariana. At the mall Mariana had made it her mission to find something different for Callie to wear that Callie would actaully accept. "How about this?" She held up a short - sleeved dress with a brown belt. "Again No." Callie said exasperated. "It's black." Mariana stated as though that was going to make a difference. "It's still no." Callie confrimed. "Ahh!" Mariana goraned in frustration. "There has to be something you'll wear besides jeans." "Not likely." Callie replied. After another half an hour of unsuccessful coaxing Mariana finally allowed Callie to just pick out a few pairs of jeans to try. She only had four pairs and thought that getting a couple more couldn't hurt. She had enough money now that she was working part time and so she didn't even have to feel uncomfortable asking Stef and Lena for some cash. She was just taking off a pair when Mariana barged behind the changing room curtain holding a pair of dark - green cluottes. "How about this? They're just like pan.... Mariana began but stopped short when she saw the big white bandage on Callie's thigh. "Hey!" Callie yelled, annoyed that Mariana had just barged in. "What happened to your leg?" Mariana asked ignoring Callie's outburst. "I scarped it while shaving." Callie said unconvincingly and she could see that Mariana didn't believe her. "Please Mariana," Callie begged. "Don't saying anything. I won't do it again I promise." "But Callie..." Mariana started but was cut off. "Please." Callie begged with tears in her eyes. Mariana wanted to argue but Callie looked so afraid. "Never again?" She asked Callie. "Promise." Callie confrimed. "Oaky." Mariana said skeptically. "I won't say anything.