Keeping Pushing

chapter 9

"CALLIE!" Stef yelled as she cursed silently to herself, looking into the darkness for the girl. "Lena, wait here for me."  Stef instructed as she rushed down the rocks not really caring when she kept slipping. "CALLIE!" She yelled again from a little further down the rocks. "I'm here." Came Callie's voice from the foot of the rocks. Stef couldn't desribe the relief she felt. It was well past midnight and Stef dealt with too much at work to not think about what could have happened to Callie had she gone off by herself. "I told you to stay put." Stef said as she reached the bottem, letting her eyes scan over Callie to make sure she was okay. "I just needed to stand up but it was slipperly up there so I came down here instead." Callie said with an edge to her voice. She wanted to be difficult but wasn't willing to push too far. "You should have told me." Stef continued to yell. "You were busy." Callie said in an accusatory tone. Stef looked at Callie. She knew the girl was trying to push her. She just couldn't unstand why. One moment she was doing everything she was told but the next she'd do just the opposite. "Why do you keep pushing me Callie?" Stef asked exsperatedly. "Why do you keep doing the things you know will make me angry?" Lena had reached them by now and instantly tried to defuse the situation. "Stef, let's get home first." She tried to reason with her wife. "No Lena." Stef stopped her. "She can't keep doing this." "Stef." Lena tried again. "Please, let's just go home." Stef resigned in frustration. "I just want an answer." She mumbled as she lead her wife and daughter back to the car. But Callie refused to give her one. She wasn't about to tell Stef that she had seen some discarded beer bottles lying to the side and amongst it a pocket - knife with the bottle - opener tool still pulled out. It was past two when they finally got home and they were all exhausted. Lena went to check on her other children and she wasn't sure if she was thankful or regretful when she found them all asleep. She wanted to talk to them so badly but she wasn't sure she had the energy to do it tonight. She decided that they'd all stay home the next day. Stef, Callie and her had already been up more than half the night and the other's could also use a day at home with their family. When Lena got back to her room she found Stef struggling to keep Callie still as she tired to clean her thigh. "Five more minutes." Stef begged Callie in frustration. "Just give me five minutes without making me fight with you." She was so close to tears and both Lena and Callie could see it. "Why don't you let me do this." Lena said as she tried to take over from Stef. "You go take a few minutes." "No Lena, I'm fine." Stef said hurriedly. "Stef, I'll be fine." Lena said softly but in a tone that Stef knew wasn't leaving room for discussion. When Lena saw that Stef was accepting her answer she continued. "Why don't you go get ready for bed and when you get back we'll be done." Stef gave her a skeptical look prompting Lena to assure her again. "We'll be fine." Finally Stef walked into the bathroom leaving the door slightly open in case she was needed. "You really need to sleep Stef." Lena said as she turned to face her wife. It was early morning and Stef had tossed and turned through the rest of the night. Lena had managed to sleep for a few hours and luckily for them Callie had crashed the moment her head hit the pillow. Now Stef was lying propped up on a pillow facing Callie and Callie was asleep in between them facing Stef. "She looks so peaceful." Stef said as she watched Callie's slow, even breathing. "She feels safe here." Lena said softly. "I hope she does but I'm not so sure." Stef admitted. "She's asleep between us." Lena said by way of explanation. "When she first got here she was so afraid that she hardly ever slept and would wake up at the slightest sound, remember?" She asked hoping Stef would see just how much Callie really had come to trust them. Stef sighed as she remember those days. She instinctively reached out her hand to stroke Callie's head but stopped just before she touched the girl. "Don't hold back, Stef." Lena gently encouraged her as she reached out her own hand to meet Stef's, right above Callie's head and force it down. The touch caused Callie to stir and Stef immediately pulled her hand away. "Good morning sleepyhead." Lena said affectionately looking down at Callie as she opened her eyes. Callie looked around her for a moment trying out if she needed to get up. When she noticed that it was still pretty dark outside she groaned, pulled the covers up to her chin and curled into Stef. Lena gave Stef an I told you look as Stef wrapped an arm around Callie pulling her closer, her eyes damp and her heart filled with love for the girl. This was all she wanted, for Callie to come to her willingly. All three must have dozed off because the next thing Lena knew, Mariana was tiptoeing towards her from the door. "Hey Baby," Lena greeted as she sat up in bed and pulled Mariana close. Lena relaxed when she felt Mariana lean into her - she knew then that Stef was right, things would be okay soon. "Let's go get everyone together," She said as she got out of bed. "We need to talk." Less then ten minutes later the three boys came into the master bedroom, all of them with sleepy eyes and disheveled hair. Stef and Callie had gone to brush their teeth and when they got back the bed was full. Stef smiled as she saw Lena surrounded by the kids. Not one of them looked like they didn't belong. Stef went over to the bed and squeezed in too but Callie remained standing in the middle of the room. "Come on sweets," Stef said kindly beckoning for Callie to join them but the girl remained frozen. Lena untangled herself from her kids and went over to Callie. "Come sit with me baby," She encouraged kindly. Lena lead Callie to the bed and pulled her down next to her. "You're part of this family too and what I have to say, I have to say to all of you." Callie shot Stef a skeptical look and Stef knew exactly why. She knew she was going to have to have a talk with Callie about their conversation last night but right now wasn't the time. "I want all of you to know that I love you very, very much," Lena began. "I'm sorry that this baby is making you doubt that - I never for one second felt like this baby was more important than any all of you and I don't want to think that I'm replacing you." She looked at the faces around her and smiled a little. They all looked so hopeful and she knew she had to continue. "I want a baby because I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant, have a person grow inside me, give birth, feed them. She looked at Callie and Mariana and added, "It's something I'm sure you'll feel one day when the time is right." After a moment she continued, "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't wanted but I want you to understand that I never meant to hurt you. I never felt for one second that I was replacing you and I didn't think you would feel that way either. I want you all to know that there is nothing you can't tell me. Mom and I will always be there to help you with whatever you need and this baby doesn't change that. You don't have to be afraid to come to us, understand?" She received nods of all her kids. "Do you have anything you want to ask or say?" She asked them. "Are you still going to adopt Callie?" Jude asked softly. "What?" Stef and Lena both said in shook together. "Of course we're still going to adopt her," Stef assured him. She glanced from Jude to Callie and noticed her giving him a silent warning. Suddenly she knew that Jude knew something. "Why would you ask that Jude?" Stef turned her attention back to him. Jude was about to answer when Callie cut him off, "Jude don't," She warned. From her tone Stef knew that things were going to fall apart and she didn't want all the kids here for it. Once again she instructed Brandon to take the twins downstairs for breakfast and that the rest of them would join soon. Callie tired to leave with the other three but Stef wasn't having it. "Sit down, Callie," She instructed and sat right next to her so that she couldn't get away. Lena pulled Jude over to her and sat him so that his back was to Stef and Callie. She didn't want him to look at his sister in case she scared him out of answering them. "What were you going to say Jude?" She asked him. Jude turned to look at Callie but Lena stopped him. "No Jude," look at me. Callie is going to be fine. We are trying to help her and we need to know whatever it is you know so that we can. I know you think that she'll be made at you but you don't have to worry, I promise you that everything will be okay." "Jude," Callie warned again when Lena stopped talking to give him a chance to speak. "Jude," Lena mimicked in a gentler tone, assuring him that he was doing the right thing. "That's  what Callie's wrote in her essay," Jude finally said. Lena looked completely shocked as she transferred her gaze to Callie. "You did the right thing," Stef assured Jude as he slowly turned to look at his sister and noticed that she had gone completely still and her face was pale. "I'm sorry Callie," he said softly as he got off the bed and headed down to the kitchen to join the others. "Is that really what you thought love?" Stef asked Callie gently. Callie looked like she was about to break down but was trying hard to hold it together. "Callie we are trying just as hard as ever to find you father so that we can adopt you," Stef assured her. "This baby will never change that," Lena added. Callie continued to stare into space as her body shook every couple of seconds because of the sobs she couldn't control. "Callie," Stef tired another tactic. "In the last twenty - four hours you have hurt yourself, upset all the kids, made mama leave late at night, disobeyed me more times than I can count and disappeared three times." Callie finally looked up at Stef wondered where this odd conversation was leading. Stef gave her a small smile and continued. "We're still here, we're all still her, we love you and can't imagine our lives without you. We want you regardless of how many other kids we have or how much we have to deal with. You are our daughter," Stef said emphatically. Callie gave Stef the same look she had given earlier. She knew Stef couldn't have forgotten what she had excluded her the night before. "No I'm not," she said softly. "You admitted it." "What are you talking about Callie?" Lena asked in confusion looking first at Callie and then at Stef. Stef reached out for Callie's hands and held them tight forcing the girl to look at her. "Do you want to know why I didn't include you in yesterday's conversation?" Stef asked her. "What conversation?" Lena asked starting to worry, what had Stef said? "I haven't adopted you yet Callie," Stef stated the obvious causing Lena to try and stop her. Stef ignored her wife and continued. "Baby, I'm still waiting for the day that they put you in my arms. My happiest day with you hadn't come yet." She watched as the tears in Callie's eyes finally spilled over and then continued. "But I promise you that day will come. I'll make sure that it comes." "I thought that you'd change your mind," Callie finally admitted as she gave in to the emotions. She buried her face in her hands and cried like she hadn't cried in a long time. She felt two sets of arms wrap around her and finally she didn't feel the need to shrug them off. "I'm sorry that I pushed you Lena, and that I made you leave." Callie said as she wiped her eyes. "I'm fine Callie," Lena assured her. "And as for leaving, maybe we both need to learn to stick around and talk things through instead of running away. What do you think?" She said lightheartedly. Callie gave her a smile. Stef gave them a minute before she drew Callie's attention away. "Callie we need to see a professional," she said gently. Callie's face immediately sank."Please don't make me," she pleaded. "I'm sorry Callie but mama and I decided last time that if you ever felt the need to hurt yourself again then we would need someone to help us all deal with it." Callie looked miserable. "Callie there's nothing wrong with getting some help," Lena said. "And we'll be right there with you if you want us to be," Stef assured her. "It's not that," Callie said. "Nobody want's a psych case." "Sweetheart, we want you," Lena said. "What will it take for you to believe that?" Callie didn't have an answer. Until she was officially adopted and had her new birth certificate in hand she could never be sure. "Callie we can't have you constantly hurting yourself," Stef explained. "A therapist will help you find other ways to deal with the way you feel." Callie looked at Stef as thought she was debating something with herself and then she finally stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out the knife that she had found on the beach. Callie heard Lena gasp as she handed to Stef. Stef studied the knife. It was dirty and rusted. "Where did you get this?" She asked as she looked up at Callie. "I found it on the beach," Callie said softly. "That's why I got off the rocks." Stef suddenly felt nauseous. "Did you use it?" She asked, unable to hide the panic in her voice. She hadn't seen any new cuts on Callie's thigh when she tried to clean it before they went to sleep but there were other places that Callie could cut. Callie shook her head but it wasn't good enough for Stef. "Callie this is serious, you don't know where this knife has been. You could get seriously sick," Stef warned. She had been called to so many homes where people had died from sharing needles and knifes. "I didn't use it," finally verbalized her answer. "I'll show you if you want," she was so serious that Stef knew she was telling the truth. "I believe you," Stef said as she let out the breath she'd been holding. "Come here." She pulled Callie into a hug and felt the girl's arms warp around her as well. "Everything is going to be just fine baby. You are going to be just fine." She said as Lena joined in the hug.