State of Confusion (Doctor Who Fanfic)

Chapter Three - Old Wounds

CHAPTER THREE

Old Wounds

The Tardis' engines had been silent for nearly an hour before Rose heard the knock on her door.  Lying on her stomach, pillow clutched to her chest, she didn't turn her head to the door as she called back.

"Come in."

She wasn't sure what she was expecting.  She knew what she was hoping for - a bright and cheerful Doctor to pretend like their last conversation had never happened.  Instead, the door opened slowly and there was a long moment of silence.

"We're just on the outskirts of the Cistryn Nebulae if you'd like to have a look." 

His voice was low and unintrusive, a soft suggestion but nothing more.  She wanted to answer, to say something to bring back the energy and the smile that she'd stolen by suggesting something she knew better than to suggest.  What had she been thinking, when she said that?  The moment had been so perfect.  Why hadn't she just given him a simple answer?  Somewhere with green sky or a friendly indigenous population that could fly and fit in the palm of her hand.  The most outlandish things she could think of always seemed to exist in some form, somewhere in the universe.  And he always seemed to know how to get them there.  Why hadn't she just said something like that?  Something simple...

"It's worth seeing," he tried again.  "The view, I mean.  I don't come here often but... It's quite pretty.  Peaceful."

He sounded almost hopeful.  Why did that tone bring tears to her eyes?  She swallowed hard as she answered, as casually as she could manage. 

"I'll be there in a minute."

He was quiet.  But the door didn't close.  He hadn't left.  Finally, she heard the soft sound of his footsteps on the floor.  As he reached the bed, he sat down on the edge of it.  She felt it shift, but didn't turn to see him. 

"I wish I could, you know."

"It's fine."  She swallowed again to keep her voice from cracking.  She didn't want to talk about this.  Not when it could go so wrong so quickly.  "Let's just not talk about it.  There's plenty of other places."

"No, that's not what I mean."

Slowly, she turned toward him.  He glanced at her with a look that was just as serious as it had been before.  But it wasn't that cold anger in his eyes this time.  It was sadness. 

"What do you mean?"

He didn't answer immediately.  Giving him a minute to form his answer, she sat up and pulled her legs closer, leaning forward on them.

"I wish I could see it," he finally whispered.  "Not see it, really, because I really can't go there.  Even if I wanted to, the Time Lords built preventative measures into the Time Vortex itself to prevent anyone from travelling back into Gallifreyan history and the time lock... Never mind, that's not the point."

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.  She knew better than to interrupt.  She let him think, let him put his thoughts together.  The pure emotion, painful and so very real, that was radiating from him made her chest tighten. 

"I wish..."

She bit her tongue to keep from speaking as he choked.  She wanted to stop him, wanted to tell him it didn't matter, that he didn't need to drag up this pain.  She wanted to apologize until she was sure he knew that she was really, truly sorry for ever letting that thought come into her mind.  How had that thought come into her mind, anyway?  So strong, like it was what she had known all along, and had never wanted to say.  But that wasn't true.  She'd never even thought to mention it before.  He'd said that he couldn't go there and she'd always taken him at his word.  What had changed?