Wonderful Caricature (Ryden)

VII

can you believe i'm still setting things up?

also. fun facts: a lot of ryan's mannerisms and characteristics are based on my own and i've referenced kinky boots at least twice now. i've developed the art of subtle references. muahaha.

i don't know why this chapter is extra long, but i dig it. don't you?

~

"Dallon? Are you awake?"

"I am now, everything okay?"

I've been mulling over this Brendon.. thing since we got home. And, yes, we've only been home for a couple hours since Dallon's shift ended at midnight, but I can't get him out of my mind. It's not like it's some huge scandal. It was a kiss. Not the best, not the worst, either. It was sweet and cute and- I still can't figure out why I thought it was so wrong. Sarah's his friend, Dallon's my friend, if I try hard enough, I'll probably avoid seeing him again, so.. what's the problem? Nothing. Nothing is the problem.

But, still.

It's something.

It should be nothing.

But, it's something.

"Honest to god, I can't sleep," I roll over to one side to turn on the fluorescent lamp on my nightstand, then I roll over to meet his eyes, trimmed with bits of concern, "Y'know how that is? When you're stuck in your own head at the witching hour of night, letting all these oddball thoughts tumble around?"

"I think I have some idea how that is.." He looks off into space, so I rope my space cadet back down to Earth by tangling his fingers with mine under the sheets, "What were you thinking about?"

"I'd hate to lie to you.." I mumble more to myself. Why should I start this friendship of with lies? We share a bed, there's not a lot that I really can hide from him, "I did something stupid and I don't know why I feel so bad about it, but I do."

"What'd you do?" There's no judgement in his tone, but interest is there instead. He's truly interested in what I have to say. Ha. That's a first in a while. Not necessarily with him, just.. anyone.

"Oh.." I try to be myself and chuckle it off and make it some kind of joke, but I can only pull off so much at.. whatever o'clock, "I just.. kissed a guy, that's all."

"Hm," Oh, that 'Hm.' That's scary as sin. I know there's a touch of judgement now and it's well deserved, "Was he worth it?"

"See, that's the thing, I don't know," I swear he can see the gears turning in my head because every time my hand starts to slip from his, for whatever reason, he catches it back, "The entire time it was going on, I felt so.. off, but I still kind of liked it? I mean, it's not every day a kind of cute guy waltzes into the dressing room and sweet talks me into kissing him, but.. There was something about it that just felt wrong, like I was.." I sigh and trail off and it catches his attention. Not my intention, but that works, too.

"Like you were?" Judgement floods out of his eyes, curiosity stepping into its place. Much better.

"Cheating. I felt like I was cheating. I was cheating and lying and going behind someone's back, but I wasn't."

They say just letting your feelings out is supposed to help. It's supposed to lift this huge weight off your shoulders and make you feel free. Why this has never worked for me I don't think I'll ever understand. I guess I've always been different. I was the little boy who wore dresses. I was the teenager who kissed another boy just because I might've liked him and suddenly who I liked was everyone's business anyway. I'm the man who prances around in heels and dresses I had to make myself with all this confidence and flair. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't care, and I don't, but something isn't letting me do that. What is it? My life isn't glamorous, but I can't complain, I do have it pretty good. I've got a job, a mom who loves me, pretty decent friends. Dallon is more than pretty decent, he's good. Innocent. He's twenty-five years old and he's never been kissed. I don't think it gets any more innocent than that. I look into his deep blue eyes and I see all this.. This.. It's something I can't really explain because I don't think I've experienced it or I've never felt it. I just.. I don't want him to get hurt.