Only One For Me (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part III

Kai

I wanted to call after him, but I didn't. I tried to reach out for him, but I couldn't. 

Why hadn't I told him about Taemin sooner? I wanted to say I didn't know, but deep down, I knew why. But saying it out loud and thinking it were different. If I said it out loud, it would make everything real. So, I just stayed quiet.

I was anxious when I woke up and saw that he wasn't in bed. I didn't know what I could say to make it better or if there was anything I could say at all. I knew what he wanted me to do, what I needed to do. I needed to actually talk to him about what was going on in my mind. But how do you even begin to put utter chaos into coherent words?

Once I finally found the courage, I got up and carefully walked out into the living room. I didn't see him there or in the kitchen, which made me a little more anxious, but it wasn't long after that that he came out of the bathroom, jumping a little when he saw me. 

"You're up," he said plainly yet still in that deep, soft voice I found so much comfort in. 

He stood there awkwardly and looked at me for a moment before clearing his throat and walking into the kitchen. He went over to the coffee pot, but instead of pulling out his travel mug, he took two regular cups out of the cupboard above it, which told me he didn't have anywhere to be this morning despite being fully dressed for the day already. I was stilling watching silently as he filled each cup a little more than half full and added just a small amount of cream to his. I wondered why he left mine untouched.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked, finally speaking up. When he turned to look at me, a confused expression came over his face. 

"I never said I was mad at you," he replied simply. "Did something I said make you think I was?"

"Not exactly, but you just kind of ended the conversation, so I thought...I don't think I even apologized."

"I ended it because it didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it, not because I was mad. I was upset and still kind of am, but I wasn't going to push you into a conversation you clearly weren't ready to have."

His eyes gave him away, like they always did. He was more upset than he wanted to let me believe, but I knew it wasn't just about Taemin anymore. It made me wonder when he started to feel like he had to act tough around me. 

"Well, if it's worth anything anyway, I'm sorry for not telling you," I said. "I didn't have any ill intention behind it, but I can see how it would seem like that, so I'm sorry for hurting you."

"It's okay. I get why you didn't. It's complicated with him," he said. He tried to smile, but his eyes let me know that it wasn't actually okay. Fuck, why couldn't I say anything? Why couldn't I tell him what we both already knew? Why were we wasting time and breaths saying things we really didn't mean? Why had I let it become this way?

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say. Those were the only words that I could say right now and I really hoped he understood that. I hoped he understood what they truly meant. I had my lowered at that point, but I heard him set his coffee cup down and the gentle sound of his approaching footsteps. He slid his hands between my arms and torso and hugged me, pressing his ear against my beating heart. 

"I just want you to trust me," he whispered, I think to both me and my heart. "I love you and I want you to trust me." I felt tears prickling my eyes as my breaths became shallow. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close before he could pull back and see. 

I wanted to trust him, too.

Kyungsoo

It felt like we had made some kind of breakthrough, like he let me remove one brick from the walls that protected him. Still, though, it was only one brick and I didn't know how long it would be until he let me remove another one. I wanted to be patient and I knew I needed to be because only time would make him feel comfortable enough to open up to me. But how long would it take until I felt like I wasting my time? For Kai, I was willing to do anything, but I was so afraid of losing myself waiting for him.