Only One For Me (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part IX

Kyungsoo

I ended up crying for the most of the night after I got back to Suho's dorm. His roommate was out for the weekend, but he offered to let me stay for however long I needed to. 

Perhaps foolishly, I still felt like Kai and I needed to have a proper conversation. Even if we decided to break up at the end of it, I at least wanted it to be on good terms, after we finally said everything we needed and wanted to say to each other without yelling or getting angry. So, after finally getting some sleep, Suho drove me back to the apartment.

"You really don't have to stay out here," I said as I took my seatbelt off, my voice still sounding a little hoarse from the crying.

"It's fine. I didn't have any plans today besides studying for my last final, but I don't really want to do that," he replied, managing to get a small laugh from me. He briefly placed his hand on my shoulder. "It'll all work out."

I nodded, letting out a heavy sigh as I looked away. "Thanks," I said in a quieter voice, placing my hand on the door handle. I stepped out of the car and looked up at the kitchen window, taking a deep breath before making the short journey up to it. Somehow, I felt nervous even though it was supposed to be our home. 

I unlocked it and stuck my head inside before my feet, quietly shutting the door behind me. I didn't see Kai at first as I looked around, but after a few moments, he came out of the bedroom, still dressed in his pajamas. He froze in place and his already stiff expression hardened even more when he saw me. 

"I just want to talk," I said in the strongest voice I could manage. 

"I thought we did plenty of that last night," he said coldly as he walked into the kitchen and started to make coffee. 

"I wouldn't consider yelling at each other talking exactly."

He stopped what he was doing a few seconds after, dropping his head. He turned around and pressed the low of his back into the counter as his eyes met mine. His expression was a little softer, but even from there, I could see that his defensive walls had gone back up.

"What happened to us?" he said, speaking both to me and to the air around us. 

I sighed and glanced down at the ground. "Remember that time you fought with Suho and we all ended up at the police station? The cop let us go because he called you guys young and hot-headed and said you don't always think things through before you do them." I lifted my head and looked at him again. "I think that's what happened. I think our feelings for each other were so strong that they got the better of us, so we didn't think about how hard it would be to live together."

He raised his eyebrows and began nodding his head slowly. "It may have been a premature move on our part," he admitted. 

"Just a little."

"So where do we go from here?" He uncrossed his arms and laid them by his sides, one hand holding onto the counter.

"Well," I said as I exhaled, "the way I see it, this is either a sign that we need some time apart or we just shouldn't be together at all."

He huffed and briefly looked to the side. "Those options both sound great."

"Yeah, really." I chuckled a little, letting out another sigh as our eyes connected again. "I just think there's so much we want to say to each other that we don't know how to say. And whether that's because of our own personal issues or something we did to each other without knowing, that's something we need to work out--by ourselves. We've been hurting each other and I...I don't want hurt you anymore, Kai."

He gazed at me as more tears entered my eyes. "I don't want to hurt you either," he said, his words making a single tear fall from my eyes. I could tell he was on the verge of tears, too, but I knew he'd never let them go in front of me. "For...how long?"

"I don't know exactly. Until we both feel better or see things more clearly...until we can understand each other better." I shrugged, the atmosphere around us becoming tense. He nodded again, his lips pressed together in a line. "Suho said I could stay with him for a while, so I'll probably do that." Another nod, this time with a light sigh. Feeling brave, I walked closer to him, stopping once I was close enough to take one of his hands in mine. "I do still love you and I...I want this to work out," I whispered, too afraid to make eye contact with him. 

"I know," he said in a voice just as quiet as mine. "Me, too." I cherished the feeling his skin against mine for a moment longer before pulling away and taking a couple of steps back. Without saying anything else, I went back to the bedroom and packed a few things but not everything, trying my best to not cry as I did so. 

Kai was still in the same spot in the kitchen when I came back out. We only briefly exchanged looks but didn't say anything else to each other. For now, everything that we could have said had been said. 

So, deciding to just rip the band aid off, I headed for the door and left without looking back, knowing that even one more glance would make me second guess myself. I scurried back out to Suho's car and threw my bag in the backseat once I was inside, letting go of a big breath I had been holding in ever since I got out. 

He glanced back at the bag but didn't say anything for a minute or so as I calmed myself down. "Are you gonna be okay?" he asked after a while. 

I let go of another deep sigh before turning to him and nodding faintly. "I think so."