Only One For Me (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part X

Kyungsoo

I wasn't prepared for how difficult taking a break would be. I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us, but that didn't ease the pain I felt in my heart in even the slightest way. I still missed Kai, a lot more than I probably should have given how bad our relationship had become. That was the reality of first love, though; it couldn't all be good.

Time just kept moving forward without any consideration of my feelings, though, so I had no choice but to follow along. I had to get up earlier since Suho's school was farther away from mine than the apartment was, but admittedly, it was nice to have a ride there instead of taking the bus. Hiding how I was feeling had never been something I was good at and with all of them already knowing about my relationship problems, it didn't take long for my friends to notice a change in me.

"Shit, you actually did it?" Minhyun said in surprise as he, me, and Hyunsik walked to class. "I didn't think you would honestly. You seem more like the suffer-in-silence type."

I sighed and looked away for a moment. "I used to be like that, but that didn't do me any good, did it? It's probably part of the reason I let things get as bad as they did between us," I responded.

Minhyun nodded his head in understanding. "So, you're really sure about this then, huh?" he asked, looking at me. I looked back at him and hesitated before I spoke. 

"All I know is that things were getting bad between us and I had to do something before we ended up hurting each other even more," I said with a small shrug of my shoulders. "I don't know where this will take us, but it was a better option than doing nothing."

"You make a good point," he replied with a quick exhale and a nod of agreement. "I guess it's better to end things now than to keep going until you hate each other." I looked at him for a moment with slightly knitted eyebrows. As I turned my head away and focused on walking, my mind couldn't help but wander. 

What if we could never work through things? What if our time apart turned into one of us moving out and never speaking again? I knew a break would do us some good, but those thoughts still scared me. I wasn't sure I was ready to lose Kai yet even if it meant we would both be better off. 

:::::::

Later that day at lunch, I was sitting down at a table outside when Hyunsik joined me, occupying the spot right across from me. "Hey," I said, smiling faintly at him as our eyes met. 

"Hey," he said back as he took his backpack off and set it on the bench space next to him. "You were unusually quiet in class today. Are you sure you've been handling this break thing well?"

I looked at him for a brief moment before I let out a heavy sigh and glanced down. "I don't know. It just hurts a lot more than I thought it would." I shrugged. "I thought that because it was the right thing to do, I wouldn't miss him as much as I do. Clearly, I was wrong."

"I'd actually be concerned if you didn't miss him," he said, earning a puzzled look from me. "I mean, regardless of the bad times, you've still had enough good times to say you love him, right? If you got over him as soon as you agreed to take a break, that would be a sign you don't have feelings for him anymore at all, which is a much bigger issue than lack of communication if you ask me."

"So you're saying it's good that I miss him?" I asked as I tried to make sense of his words. 

He nodded, not speaking as he was in the middle of taking a sip of his drink. "The fact that you do should give you hope that things can still work out. It means there are still feelings that are strong enough to make you want to actually fix things instead of just give up," he explained after he swallowed.