Only One For Me (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Part XIII

Kyungsoo

As much as I didn't want to, I kept my distance from Kai for a little longer. I didn't feel ready to yet, especially with all of the new information I had to consider in regards to myself and the role I played in the problems between us. It was easy to shove all of the blame on Kai for not being willing to open up to me, but that wouldn't have been right. I had to take the hard way and start asking myself what I was doing and saying to make him not want to yet. I couldn't go back to him expecting him to be ready to change if I wasn't even aware that I had to also.

And just like that, another month and a half went by. I was taking some classes over the summer break, so that kept my occupied most of the time. I spent time with my friends when I wasn't doing something school-related. I tried to make time for myself, too, but more and more, I found that being alone wasn't helping to clear my mind like it used to. 

That was the first sign, but I ignored it.

Yeseul and Minhyun noticed how I had been a little down lately, so they decided it would be a good idea to take me out of a night on the town, as they called it. We ended up going to some bar and as tempted as I was to drown all of my troubles in alcohol, I stayed determined and managed to leave only a little tipsy. While we were waiting outside for a cab, I happened to look across the street through the window of a restaurant, where I saw Kai sitting at a table with Sehun and Luhan. Even through the thin alcoholic fog, I could tell he looked happy. At first, it stung to know it was without me, but more so than that, it triggered an epiphany within me. When I didn't try so hard, I seemed to understand him. When I wasn't looking so closely, he wasn't actually that hard to read. 

That was the second sign, and I stored it away for later. 

I went searching for the third sign on my own. I told Suho I was going out for a walk one evening and went to the apartment. The walk was long and because I took my time, it ended up taking a little longer. But I had to prepare myself. I told myself if the light was on, that was the final sign I needed, in which case I had to think of what I would say to him. If it wasn't though, it would be a sign that I needed to wait a little longer, in which case I needed to prepare myself for more hard work. 

When I approached the building, my steps seemed to slow down on their own. I felt anxious, but not dreadfully so. What I was feeling was closer to the feeling of anxiety I felt the first time I went over to bring him cupcakes. I was excited, but I was oppressing my my hope for the sake of not feeling as disappointed if I was rejected.

My eyes cautiously moved up to the kitchen window. I let out a small sigh when all I saw was darkness. "Maybe third time isn't the charm," I mumbled to myself. I glanced up once more before beginning to turn around to go back to Suho's, but something made me stop. I thought I was seeing things, but I could have sworn that I saw a light go on out of the corner of my eye. I was scared to turn around and check, the thought alone making my heartbeat increasingly faster. After a few deep breaths, I turned back around.

Sure enough, there was my third sign. 

A sense of relief and excitement came over me when I saw that the light was now on, and I even dared to let myself smile a little bit. The anxiety and the possibility of him not being ready to see me yet were both still there, of course, but I had to at least attempt to open the door again. So, I made my way toward the apartment. 

I got to the front door and was about to just walk in, but I quickly stopped myself. It was still technically my home, too, but I was the one who decided to leave, so I at least owed him the decency of knocking first. There was no answer for a moment and I was too scared to look over at the window to see if he was looking out of it. After about a minute, I heard the door unlock from inside.