Are you different?

Fuck the emotions

Three days, three fucking days I haven't done anything else than crying. I even didn't go to school, I stayed at home, in my bed and cried like a little pathetic piece of shit.

Months of work I have done to feel normal again and to heal my heart are now spoilt. My heart is broken again.

I haven't spoken to anyone after what happened in school, I don't even know where my phone is and actually don't care either. All I know is that everything is like shit again.

Every night I stare at the stealing until I fall asleep and then in my dreams I see him. I wake up, crying. I'm so pathetic.

Now, a week later, I'm standing in the school hallway again and even without looking I can tell that people are staring at me. The gossiping about me, making fun or god knows what, this shit should bother me, but it doesn't. I have cried and felt so much that at this point I don't feel anything anymore.

I take my stuff from the locker and start to walk to the class. People even make me a way through the hall. They stop, take a step back and watch mine with their mouth opened or they start to talk to someone.

I take my seat in the class and start to read. For past week it has been my only way through. Not that wasn't my getaway before but it is all I need right now or who knows maybe even forever, fuck boys and feelings are all I can say right now. I don't need this shit.

I don't hear or see anything other than my book and words in it, so I don't realize that class is over and everybody is leaving before someone stands beside my table and coughs.

I look up and there stands one person that I have been ignoring past week every fucking day.

''Kelly, I have nothing to say to you and actually, I don't have anything to say any of you, so save yourself from this. I think that it is better for you to stay away from me.'' I try to hold back my tears.

''What the actual fuck you are talking Allison? You have so much to say, but you aren't obviously ready and this is okay but do you really think that we are letting you be like this? You are so smart and yet so dumb sometimes. Fuck we are your friends for god sake, we are here for you, to support you, to get you through this. That's what friends are for. Don't cut us out, because we are not ready to leave.'' I look at her and suddenly I start to cry again.

''Fuck, All. Don't cry, not anymore. He doesn't deserve this. But you deserve so much more.''

''Kelly, you don't understand, he maybe doesn't deserve these, but my heart is still broken and this wasn't even healed completely yet. I'm fucked.''

''Come, we will figure something out, but we have lunch right now and the food is always good.'' I just nod as she holds me in her arms.

Just moments later we walk into the cafeteria and everybody stops talking. As I look around and see that everybody is looking at me I feel as tears are coming again. I'm weak. Kelly takes my hand and walks to the table where we always sit. I see others and try to hold back those big ugly tears that try to roll to of my eyes.

Will opens his mouth first, '' So All, good to see that you are back, we have missed you, you know.''

I try to smile a little, '' I have missed you guys too, I'm so so sorry that I have been ignoring you.''

''It is totally okay, don't worry. We understand,'' Amanda says with a big smile on her face.

I look around for some time and when I finally look back at my friends they are all looking behind my back and look really really stressed.

'' What are wrong guys...'' I say as I turn to look at what they are watching.

There he is. James, at all his glory, looking at me. I can feel as my eyes start to fill with tears and I turn my head away, I just can't look at him, that hurts.

A warm hand on my shoulder brings me back from my thoughts. I swallow and look up, right into these beautiful eyes, which belong to the person I still have feelings for.

''Allison, it is so good to see you and know that you are better as I can see. I would still love to talk to you and explain myself to you. It doesn't have to be like this, I promise. I haven't regret something so much in my enter life.''

I look at him, tear rolling down my face, but I can't get myself to open my mouth and answer to him. Fuck, I don't even know what to say to him. So I just stare at him, tears rolling down. Breakdown no. I don't even know anymore.

''Fuck All, don't cry.'' He lifts me up from my seat and places into his lap, same time hugging me.

This makes my crying even worse, cause I feel that this is really the only place I want to be and where I felt like home. He feels and smells like home to me.

Like always good things come to end and he had to fuck up, badly. I cry and think at the same time, finally, when I don't cry so hard anymore I speak up.

''Okay, one change to explain yourself, don't fuck this up, can you do this to me?''

''Yeah, oh my god sunshine, of course. I won't ''

What the actual fuck Allison?
You really only needed one hug and everything is already in that stadium?
That can't be so easy for him. Step up, be the bitch you always have been when someone has hurt you.

Okey, deep breath.

He starts to speak "how about tonight at my house?"