Bits and Pieces

headspace

Everyone has bad days. Days where they feel alone, unloved, hopeless. Maybe those days sometimes are just moments, moments where no matter how hard you try, you can't banish the negative thoughts from your head.

More and more these moments have been occurring. I don't know why, even if I can take a guess. It's this constant weight, making my chest ache and my eyes sting. Loneliness seems to cling to every thought, voices in my head whispering that I have no one. Which, in part, is true. All my friends live away, and the ones I've made where I am are all leaving now too.

I don't hate myself, I don't believe it's my fault I have no one. The facts are that I chose to have a gap year while my friends chose to attend university straight out of school. The friends I've made this year I always knew would leave - working only for the summer season and then onto their next adventures. But these facts don't lessen the weight that seems to be pulling on my heart constantly these days.

I just can't seem to get rid of it, the loneliness that cloaks my mind constantly. Work distracts me from it, but often when I come home, it wraps itself around me until I choke. Jokes about not having friends, the boredom that clings to every second of my days off. 

But then, I get to reunite with my friends and that darkness disappears. That weight in my chest is gone, filled with a feeling of love that makes me feel giddy. It is in those moments that I notice I would never have realised how much affection I have for these people if not for those dark days. I would never know that talking for hours on end would fill me with enough happiness to last me for weeks afterwards. 

Yes, I still suffer from the dark days and those moments where that weight in my chest feels so heavy that I worry my heart will be torn from my ribcage. But it is those moments with friends I treasure the most. Those moments where my heart feels so light and I am sure that I have never felt such happiness in my life. 

Sometimes those memories hurt, during those darkest days. But eventually, I will be living in the same place as all of my friends, able to see them whenever I like. Able to meet new people, make new friends. And I'm sure those heavy thoughts may occur, but at least there is some light at the end of this tunnel.

I am not alone, even in the darkest days. Friends are only one text away and in only a few months, I will be reunited with the people who make my life so bright. 

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