short(er) stories

restarting. (347 words)

I just took a shower. A hot one. 10 minutes after I cried so hard I forgot who I was.

After the shower, I brushed my teeth, moisturized, baby oiled myself, dried my hair and brushed it. Then, I went into my room.

It was messy as always, and I decided to clean it. I was thinking about doing this exact thing while my shower, but when I saw my room, I knew immediately that I had  to clean it. Not just a low-key clean, but a thorough, trash-and-clothes-in-bag clean. One that made you do a double take as you looked around.

I threw out a lot of stuff. paper with drawings, birthday messages, little sentences things from the past two years that I needed to get rid of. with every paper that entered the bag, a memory was tied to it. as it hit the bottom, a rope between it and I, snapped in two, and my vision grew clearer. Not my literal vision, though that too felt more in focus, but the vision I had of myself. I felt like I knew what was needed. Like I knew what I wanted.

I organized my room so it kept it's original design, but it looked way less cluttered. seeing the familiarity around me put a smile on my face that started from my heart, and traveled around my body. it felt good to feel at home.

My windows are open to let in cool night air. It's 21:27, and I feel

So

Much

Better.

My head feels physically lighter. My body feels like I just ran 4814 miles and then went skydiving. It's so great to feel like this after feeling bad since...gosh, so long. I feel like an improved version of myself, kind of like upgrading into a healthier mind, like human version 14.2

I don't know why I'm sharing this, and that is complete honesty. I'm just, good, you know? I don't know if it will last, or why I feel this much better, but I'm just gonna go with it for now because it's 100% better than what I was before. 

a/n

hello, (wow formal much? anyway) this was written a few months ago. as soon as I was done with everything that felt like it needed to be done, I wrote this. I needed to. I knew that if I didn't I would regret it for as long as I would remember. 

maybe...what I'm trying to say that starting over is possible, and it can start small. cleaning your room. throwing away things that your body knows it doesn't want near it. it could start big, like deleting a phone number, or blocking someone on all social media. but starting over is a thing, and you can do it. it's hard, like most things, but it's worth it. (like most things)

stay hydrated, baguettes. remember that I love you. remember that you're worth it. remember it'll get better. :)

-alex