Letting Go

Dead or Alive

I remember one night when you made me feel so great about myself I couldn't process how happy I was. You made me feel as if I were the only person in the world. You told me how you liked my hair, how I was an amazing person. I could not get a grip if reality.

That night I text my best friend because I couldn't breathe. You had me questioning my sanity. I text her and asked if I was high, if I was drunk, or if I was dead and this was heaven. But now I know that I was alive and that it was real because you can't go to both heaven and hell, can you love?

'What if he's playing me? What if it's a game? Maybe it's his sisters, he does have eight of them.'

My mind raced and pondered every thought, every action, every possible outcome of what had just happened. I didn't even think I could love because I was too young. You had proven me wrong though. You showed me that age didn't matter when it came to state of mind.

That night, even Benjimen was questioning my sanity. All because you gave me two compliments. I knew that you meant the world to me, but now I knew that I meant something to you. That when you whispered 'I love you' to me it was true. That when you held me tight and buried your head in my shoulder, it meant something. And staying up until two in the morning with you was not only because neither of us could stop thinking, but because you truly did care about me.

I wish you still could hold me at night, I wish you would still send me midnight texts telling me about your day, I wish you were still here, but most of all, I wish I knew how hurt you were before.