Different kind of love story

My lovely fiancee while we skype and me after

The best part of my day is when i can Skype Brittany. She always makes me smile. I miss her more than i knew was possible. I never missed anyone or loved anyone like i do with her. She makes me feel safe like no one can hurt me. She makes me feel loved and wanted. She may threaten to kick anyone's ass if they touch me but i love her. When we Skype i don't really know what she says. I just day dream about being with her. i usually don't care about what she saying. The worst thing is having to say goodnight and letting her sleep. What she doesn't know is when she goes to bed i can't ever sleep. I don't know why but i just can't and it's really bad for me. When i am up late my demons usually say hello and push away my guardian angel. I finally got out of therapy it took about 3 years but she finally believed i was happy. The only thing i need to be happy is Brittany. Except she is like a drug. Her kisses are addicting. Her laugh is needed to make me happy. The worst thing is that i worry all the time. I worry she will find someone else. That's the one thing that hurts me and just makes me cry. I don't know how i think of everything that can go wrong. it gets even worse when we Skype and she notices something is wrong and i just say it's nothing. When in reality there is a battle going on inside my head. I love her so much that it hurts. When i can't speak to her all i do is distract myself until i can. She keeps me sane. She is the only reason i stopped cutting. I love Skyping her. I just wish she was here. I wish she would never have to leave. It hurts a lot when she leaves. All i do is try to stay happy and not to cry. She would hate to know how much i truly cry. It would hurt her and that's probably why i hide it from her. So many people wanting me and wanting more than i can give. I can't give my heart. My heart has been stolen. It's about 12am and Brittany is skyping me.

"hey beautiful. How are you?"

"hello Brittany. I'm good i guess."

"Are you okay? You look worried."

"I'm fine of course." I smile at her.

She smiles."Good." We talk for another 3 or 4 hours.

"I'm just about to fall asleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow boo." I hang up and ignore her messages. If i don't say goodbye or night then she hasn't left, right? One night we were Skyping and i just broke down. She saw me cry and i try not to let her see me when i get weak. She has seen me cry 2 times and that's too many times. My therapist is right. I keep my emotions in and i don't let it go until it is too much to handle. I will never ask for help. especially not from Brittany. I don't want to be weak. I want to solve my own problems. The real truth is i don't know how to ask. I'm afraid of being laughed at or made fun of for being weak. Maybe that's why i don't tell people i cry almost every night. I cry when i remember who i dated and how much they hurt me mentally and physically. I lie about my past and i hide what really happened. Pretend im fine and see if i can get people to believe me. The truth should never be told because it's from the past, right? If it only hurts me then why tell her? She can't do anything. I couldn't stop him so how can she? Maybe she could but i'm not going to take the chance of her getting hurt. I feel safe now so isn't it fine?