Feelings. Who needs them ? Feelings make everything you've ever known feel wrong but you just can't stop feeling them.
Damn it, if I get to attached to my feelings and they kill me, if I ever feel again after that, please put me out of my misery.
***
Ingrid's words replay in my mind like a loop, and it's been a week.
'Developing mild feelings for your teacher'
'That's what a lot of gay people say'
*click* *click*.
*SLAP* the harsh pain that spreads in my shoulder when Ruby's fist meets my arm snaps me out of my trance.
"Ow"
"Sorry blondie, but I thought you were dead for a second. " I rub the sore spot on my shoulder and I can feel myself slowly slipping into my trance yet again but a threat from Ruby about hitting me again ensures that I'm very awake and aware.
"I think I might be gay." Shit.
"Woah there sweetness." Belle says.
"Wait...I mean ...I didn't. Shit." Ruby snorts.
"Welcome to the club lovely." Ruby's fist 'playfully' meets my shoulder this time.
"Since when?" Belle asks.
"It's , I've just been thinking about it a lot lately." A glance shoots from Ruby to Belle and a glance from Belle to Ruby.
"What?" My eyebrows raise.
"Mills." They say in unison, and give me the eye.
"No. " I reply. Belle and Ruby nod and I sigh.
"It's just I've never felt attracted to a woman before. Ever." I see they are both giving me the eye.
"Until Mills." I add and their expression softens.
"We need a plan."
"Belle you literally took the words out of my mouth." Ruby making me a plan to somehow have something with Mills could either be amazing. Or it could be disastrous.
Regina Mills and I haven't spoken since the day I had my panic attack a week ago, I think she might blame herself, of course I don't blame her.
"Hello!" Ruby was jabbing at my arm again with her pointy fingers.
"Why do you keep zoning out ?" Ruby asks me. When I look up I notice that Belle isn't here anymore.
"Where's Belle?"
"Bathroom, lunch is over, you were so far in your little world you didn't hear the bell , you have Mills now right?" I nod. We both grab our bags and head to our last two lessons of the day.
Our assignments have been handed out and I'm very focused, because I'm avoiding Mills so there's nothing to be unfocused about.
"Emma, a word in the hallway please?"
Shit.
Slowly I stand up, and follow Regina out into the hallway, suddenly I become nervous about what she's going to say.
"Are you okay?"
"What?" I ask her confused.
"I asked you if your okay dear?"
"I heard you, it's just , why are you asking ?"
"I can't help but feel responsible for what happened to you , and I just want you to know that I'm always here for you. " I have no idea what to say so I just stay there, twiddling my thumbs.
"That's all dear, " Mills opens the door to her classroom and I silently make my way back to my seat.
Three PM finally comes and boy does it take a long time , this class makes me feel trapped with my unknown feelings.
"Emma, may I have a quick word please, class you are dismissed." As the kids push past me , nobody says anything because everyone is too concentrated on getting out of there. These little chats are good because it gives me a reason to speak to Regina but then again, the timing is bad. Ingrid is meeting me.
"Okay Emma , I know this isn't strictly aloud .." this can't be good. Mrs Mills looks around in her drawer until she pulls out a little note and passes it to me. It's a number. Her number.
"....if you ever need to speak, we all have problems that we want to speak about, we all need someone, even if it's just a shoulder to cry on. I do, I have my fair share of problems which you have an idea about. I'm saying maybe we could be each others shoulder." I take the note out of her olive hands. I look up to her and I smile.
"Thank you."
"Anytime Emma." Before I reach the door to leave the classroom, I turn back around to say one last thing,
"I'm there for you too."
"Excuse me ?"
"In the bathroom at Granny's, the things you told me, damn it sounds crappy. You said you would be there for me and I'm telling you that I'll be there for you too." I swear she has to look away so I can't see her cry.
"It means a lot Emma." I smile and then I do actually leave, and my huge , child-like smile follows me around like a lost puppy.
