Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

F R I E N D S

TRIGGER WARNING: contains content of drug abuse and suicide.

Throwback to the fun
elementary days.
Back to the hours spent on the playground.
Getting burned under the sun's rays.

Fresh freckles peppered our faces.
Knee scrapes happened often.
And hide and seek under slide bases.

All of this were of our days of youth.
But then we grew up with the rest.
Now here we were lying on my roof.

We were still just as close as then.
Sometimes we would hold hands.
Although that meant nothing at ten.

But here we are at the
troublesome adolescent age.
Things changed for me.
Our gentle embraces and soft smiles now sent my heart into a rampage.

You would always ask,
"Why are you staring at me?"
And I would simply smile and reply,
"Because you have sensational beauty."

Your pale cheeks would taint pink,
And it was moments like these that I would fall further.
It was things like this that made my heart sink.

I would often push my luck.
I would brush your hair
behind your ear.
Your eyes would meet
mine and my heart was struck.

We would intertwine our hands like flowing water.
Smoothly, one into the other.
Little did your parents know that I was falling for their precious daughter.

One day while staring at the stars,
watching passing cars,
I would look at you as if you were mars.

An unexplainable amazing
beauty so far away.
You would look at me and say, "What?"
But I wouldn't have anything to say.

For there were no words that could describe how I felt for you.
You smiled and the look in your eyes told me you felt the same pull too.

So I didn't stop myself this time.
I leaned in and pressed my lips to yours.
And when yours began to move
with mine in harmony,
I felt as if I was committing a crime.

Everything about you
I found flawless.
You were my shelter,
And in you I sought solace.

I expected something
more out of what we actually had.
Although you gave me you body,
your heart wasn't mine.
So when I saw you kissing him,
it just made my heart sad.

Broken and shredded down,
I let the bad habits consume me.
I could no longer gaze into those beautiful pools of brown.

I gave you my heart, but
you kept yours locked up.
I kissed you... held you.
I filled your cup.

Then there were those
dreary Monday's.
I would look at you and wonder why.
Was it because we were
the same in too many ways?

How does he give you love I did not?
How does he hold you
closer than I did?
Why did you leave me on the floor with my own blood to blot?

Was it because he was a guy?
Or because I was a girl?
Either way, it didn't matter
because in the end you
let my heart die.

I hate you now.
You'll never know how
broken you left me.
You will never know the
number of nights
I lie awake wondering how.

How could I have gotten you to stay?
How could I have
gotten you to love me back?
How could I have just not been gay?

At this point it doesn't matter.
Now your heart and body
belongs to him.
Although I would've
preferred the latter.

I know it shouldn't hurt still.
I should be over everything we had.
But I'm not, so that's why it's
so easy for me to swallow
the final pill.

Whether it was purposeful
or on accident, you can be the judge.
But I know even then while you stand at my funeral...
Your heart would never budge.

It was never mine, and I
can see that now.
So after my funeral and
at your wedding with him,
I hope your heart breaks
with that final vow.