Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

S I L E N C E

my words get caught in my throat every time.
like invisible fingers scraping at my trachea in desperate attempts to be set free.
my eyes remain glued to the cold ground rather than to your cold eyes.
i couldn't bear to face them.
not like this.
your words cut the air like scissors to paper and your insults snap like a force to a branch.
your expectance for a reply is met with silence as usual.
your anger grows, and eventually spills over, much like my tears through my bloodshot eyes.
but yet i still have to sit in this suffocating silence.
my throat feels like it's closing off, crushing the unsaid words trapped within my vocal chords.
i can't breathe.
and it's your hand around my throat.
your eyes piercing my mind.
it hurts to write about you like this, but it's the only way my mind can cope with this silence.
i'm scared of you.
you've left me a prisoner in my own mind but claim you're my solitude.
my shelter.
but why does it feel like you're the storm i'm hiding from?
your hands are the very things that show me love but hurt me so bad.
much like your words.
you can shine with happiness and radiate with positivity one minute—
but the next you're dark and toxic with negativity and intent to hurt.
please stop hurting me.
all i do is constantly show my care and devotion to you.
yet your mouth still opens and your bullets still fly.
i still stare into nothing, wondering when we can move past this.
i numbly sit as my eyes sting and my heart rips.
our relationship is toxic, there's no denying that.
you break me to pieces with your words but hold me together at the seams with your touch as my stitches.
how is this living?
how is this happiness?
maybe i'll never know.
or maybe the answer is right in front of me.
but i don't want it.
i don't want to look for it.
i don't want to find it.
because even after all of this, i still only want you.