Bloody Fingers, Broken Mind

W A R M E R

Love is a difficult thing to have. Almost always it seems like a blessing and a curse simultaneously.

Love can feel like a burden or something to cherish.

But what hurts most is when a true love begins to perish.

It slowly cracks the heart like chiseling a fine sculpture and poisons the brain with the toxic memories of what used to be and what could have been.

Some love meant to last doesn't, and some love not meant to be can last and bring a lifetime of pain, much like the heartbreak from a love that was meant to last.

In this case, a true love meant to last was brought to a harsh end.

It was all sparked during the fun teenage years and furthered through warm smiles and fingertip brushes when walking past each other in the hallway.

We started talking through mutual friends until something just... clicked. We grew closer and closer until warm smiles became warm hugs and those warm hugs became warm cuddles. Then those warm cuddles turned into hot passionate kissing and it kept going until both of our hot sweat glistening bodies were rolling around the sheets in a flurry of love, lust, and pure passion.

It went on for so long I figured it would last a lifetime. I pictured us at graduation when you would clap the loudest when my name was called. I pictured us in a cute moment when you would suddenly get down on one knee and me with a cliche hand-over-the-mouth-teary-eyed look. Then we would proceed to picking out the dress and tux and planning it all out. We would exchange vows, kiss...

Next would be the house. The fun moments, sad moments, happy moments... and finally the surprise we wouldn't have been planning but wouldn't be unhappy about. Another member to the family. I would be so euphoric and you would pick me up and spin me in happiness.

But it all happened too soon.

That little surprise ruined everything by arriving too early. Staring at those two pink lines made me crash. I thought we would lose the future we hoped for. I thought everything would disappear, including us. I thought everything we had would burn and crumble under our feet.

And I was right.

The multiple sets of pink lines I saw through my blurry vision confirmed everything. Next was the crying, the screaming, the throwing, the hitting... but it was not done by you at all. It was done by the people who were supposed to help me. Love me. Forgive me...

So I was surprised when they reacted the exact opposite. Just like our relationship, it was a surprise.

But this surprise in particular could have waited.

We were too young, too unprepared. We weren't ready to bring a life into the world when our own lives hadn't even started.

Which is why I never told you. It was my life I had ruined, and I wasn't about to ruin yours too.

So I ran.

Just like any fearful coward, I ran and I never came back.

Our relationship just kept getting more intense as time went on and our love kept getting warmer and warmer and warmer.

And here I was, getting colder and colder and colder.

Farther and farther away from you.

I'm sorry that it probably could have turned out better if I would have stayed. I'm sorry I was too scared to face everything. I'm sorry I left you alone.

And I'm sorry for the little girl growing inside me for taking away her father. I'm sorry for your chance at a true family, even if it would have been rough. I'm sorry I couldn't be a stronger mother. I've already ruined too many lives by one night that grew too hot too fast, but I'm not about to ruin yours.

I promise I will try my hardest to be the best mother I can be, even if I won't be doing it with my other half by my side.