4 Guys Stole My Flat

The Biology of Idiots - Part 2

Okay, let's get real here. Who the fuck does Tattoo Kid think he is? Pounding on the door in the middle of the goddamn night? It may come as a surprise, but I'm dead serious about maintaining my screwed up sleeping pattern, and being woken up just ruins it's imperfect order even more! It's taken me 15 years of staying up until three in the morning studying for exams, and I'm not in the mood to lose that streak.

"Coffee, are you awake?" Tattoo Kid half-whispers through the fake oak door as he knocks a bit harder. He seems alarmed but I'm sure he would also be alarmed to this extent if someone told him the James Bond movies aren't documentaries.

I groan and turn over so my face is squashed into my pillow, "Fuck off."

"Coffee, someone's trying to open the door."

Well fuck, we're being burgled.

I jump out of bed and grab a clothing hanger that was lying on the floor. Securing my grip in my left hand, I open the door up to see Tattoo Kid's pale face; eyes wide with completely dilated pupils sitting in the centre of them; thinned lips slightly open as ragged and panicked pants escape his mouth; his eyebrows are somehow crossed and raised as high as his hairline. Truely a sight for sore eyes.

I'd push him aside, but he's got no shirt on and is just standing there in long pyjama bottoms. I've got to say, he's got a nice body and I'd probably have a crush on him - if I was into that, that is.

"Wow, you like seeing him naked too? Bet you'd like to see him with his bottoms off and-"

I stop the voice speaking behind me by smacking the eavesdropper in the face with the hanger. Unsurprisingly, it's Archie. Without any remorse, I simply huff, "We have kids in the room." I gesture to Tattoo Kid and take a completely random assumption that he's younger than me because of his young face and short height compared to the others. I don't really know, but I think he's about the same height as me, maybe even shorter.

There's another jiggle of the front door handle which makes me jump. I'm not afraid, but I back up a little to hide behind Tattoo Kid and Callum, who just magically appeared from the kitchen. Was he sleeping in the refrigerator?

"Go on," Archie urges me as I'm pushed closer to the door. I'm reluctant to go, but he won't mercy me. "If they try to rape you, I'll beat the crap outta them."

Tattoo Kid pipes up, "what's 'rape'?"

Aww, he's so innocent! I swear, he looks like he would punch you in the face and then walk away like it's no one's business, but, once you get to know him like I am, you realise he's actually still a little infant! I wouldn't expect any of my roommates to be like that, especially not Archie. This kind of purity needs to be protected at all costs. Imagine if he suddenly woke up one day and all these teenage hormones kicked in? I'm sure he would be very frightened, having all these attractions, or lack of attraction if I'm honest. Wait, has he actually hit puberty yet? He looks like he's had a growth spurt, but, as far as I can see, there's no other indications of him-

"It's when someone, regardless of gender, attacks someone, once again, regardless of gender, and proceeds to-" I slam my hand over Callum's mouth to protect Tattoo Kid's ears - and innocence.

"So, will Ari get raped?"

"No, I'm not gonna be raped."

"Am I gonna be raped?"

"No one's getting raped!"

"Okay."

I get a better grasp on the hanger and walk towards the door. As I get closer, I hear metal being inserted into the keyhole. I deduct it's either a key or a bobby pin, but I can't tell which one. Then there's the twisting of a handle, followed by another chorus of metal on metal action, then a handle twisting, then metal, then handle, then metal, then handle, then metal, then handle, then metal, then handle, then metal, then handle, then - wow, this kid is not giving up easily.