I really shouldn't be doing this, I'm literally in the middle of the cafeteria at school but it's starting to hurt and my boyfriend isn't here with me right now so I got time. I feel selfish for ranting but it just hurts.
So I guess I should start from the beginning. Around a year and a half ago, I got together with my now ex boyfriend and I honestly felt like it was the sweetest thing ever. It was just nice to have this feeling of waking up and knowing, "hey you got the guy!" And everything was fine. We started hugging and soon we kissed. Then he met this girl online and they started talking and one day he introduced me to her. I didn't know that he hadn't introduced me as his girlfriend. Eventually me and the girl became friends but I had this little suspicion of her. One day she asked me if me and him were dating and I said yes. She got really mad at him and I was doing my best to calm her down because she was planning on committing suicide. But the next day, my boyfriend texts me one sentence, "You cold hearted bitch". He was mad at me. We got into a fight and we had a bunch of drama happen but we got over it. I thought that would be the end of it. Now that I think back to that fight, I realized that he got mad at me for no reason. I should've been mad at him and instead I took all of the hurtful things that he said. He was the one that decided to lie to me and her. Anyways, a few months into our relationship he starts doing things to me that I didn't exactly like, yet he continued to do them even after I told him to stop. Maybe he was hormone crazed I'm not sure. I was too scared to tell him to stop with like force, so he continued to do those things. Skip to around a year together. We were really happy but he began to distance himself from me. He'd pull out scissors in the middle of lunch and I'd be so scared as to what he would do with them. He soon began to tell me that he had cut himself and stuff and whenever I'd ask to see them, he'd never show them. Near the end of our relationship, we started having more and more problems and I began to distance myself because our relationship just didn't feel right anymore. He was asking me to do things for him that I didn't like. He was treating me in ways I didn't like. It didn't feel right. I wasn't comfortable around him anymore. I can't remember if I ever did. Around that time however, I had started talking more and more to one of my friends. He was funny, he was smart, he was weird, he was super tall, and he had started to catch my eye. I felt guilty about it though, about how my heart could start to feel this way for a guy when I was still with someone. I guess I just didn't feel the same for him anymore. Eventually we broke up, and I was super silent that day. I nearly cried but it was something we had decided between each other. It just wasn't right anymore. Well I did my best to start to get over him. I already know by now how depression affects me when I don't do anything about it. I wasn't going to let myself stay heartbroken. And as I slowly got over my last relationship, my feelings for my friend began to develop even more. And on March 19, 2018, he had come to school with a pink rose and chocolates. I already knew he was planning on asking someone and I kept telling him to do it. I had a feeling it wasn't me, so I had been preparing myself for heartbreak, which then, I had been preparing to get over as well. Then he kinda just threw the rose and chocolates at me and asked me out. It was so awkward and cute and well duh I said yes. He's my now boyfriend. Let's go back to about two days before I got asked out, a Saturday I believe. I was talking with my ex and the truth about our relationship came out. He was lying the entire time. And I don't mean cheating, I mean he had been lying to me about everything that had made up our relationship. It hurt. And I guess it just helped with me getting over it. And time skip to around now. We started having really bad problems between each other and having arguments over text. I yelled at him once in real life actually. We had a pretty bad argument recently as well. He told me that he hopes I'll rot in hell. I'm over that bullshit by now but every now and then it decides to come back and bite me in the butt. My dad is mad that I don't want to go to early college because I want to stay in band. It's honestly become something super important to me and my dad asked me where that's gonna get me in life. Early college won't exactly help either if all it's gonna do it's keep me studying and stuff. I just want to go to the high school near here. They have the best band there. I wish I could just explain to my dad how important music is to me but I fucking can't. My dad even gave me a talk and just made me feel really bad about everything's that's happened. I still want to go to that high school. I don't want to go to early college. Why can't he just trust in me that I'll be fine? That I'll learn through mistakes? I'm not fucking perfect, but I'm also not a piece of clay that you can just bend and mold into what you want.
Sorry about this... have some art as a cheer up
It's trash ik but it's something
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