What Is This?

Short Lived

I was in the bathroom about to take a shower. I turned on the hot water then the cold water slightly, so the water could be nice and warm the way I liked it.

Still I feel like I should be all one and not a mixture of both...

I sighed and entered the shower with the shower running, but as soon as I entered all of my energy seemed to have left me. I slowly collapsed to the floor of the shower and leaned my back against the wall. I lowered my head in shame as I listened to the pitter patter of the water that fell on the shower's floor and my skin.

Why does this keep happening?

I felt sad, frustrated and tired a combination of feelings that I felt ever so often. This sudden loss of energy that I felt wasn't the first time this happened to me. It's annoying how it happens, not like I had anything planned to do but that added to my annoyance.

Maybe that's why this happens to me...?

I have energy that I don't know what to do with so it shouldn't matter if I lose it all in an instant...

I bit my lip in frustration and banged my head against the wall in the shower multiple times. I lowered my head from the pain and dizziness I felt and sighed in frustration.

I'm a complete wreck, what's the point to me living?

I banged my head against the wall a couple more times to get these thoughts out of my head.

"Idiot, you're just using more of your energy!"

A voice called out to me, warning me of the idiocracy that I was doing, but I didn't listen to their warning.

Atleast I'm using my energy instead of letting it waste by doing nothing.

"You're a real fool, nothing good is going to come out from this!"

There's that voice again giving me another warning. I didn't care though, I was too frustrated to listen to reason.

Doesn't matter nothing good is going to come from whatever I do...

I swung my head back hard against the wall. I didn't care about reasoning, the only thing I had was despair and I was filled with it. I groaned from the agonized feeling that came from my head and I sighed.

Such a fool, such an idiot, such a failure...

No matter how much I hurt myself to try and forget, the feeling would just be short lived. Though the thoughts still came I was at peace with it instead of being frustrated, but that too was short lived.

Why...?

The voice was gone, all I could hear was the pitter patter of the water from the shower head onto the shower's floor and my skin. I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

I have anger which is like the water, I also have sadness which is like the cold water... maybe that's why the water is warm?

I shook my head and sighed, then I tried to get onto my feet so I could actually take a shower, but it was no use.

Maybe I did waste my energy abusing myself...?

I laughed at the thought, I could've listened to ths voice but I thought it didn't matter. I felt unstable and I just did wreckless things without a second thought.

Reminds me of Ocean...

The way he bit into his arm like that was really sudden and shocking. I understood why he would do it... to forget, to ignore. Just like why I did it...

I'm now seeing the similarities between me and them...

Such a sad reality if it could be considered real at all. The white room is just apart of my mind, something I made up.

Atleast that's what I think it is from what Kuri said.

Real or not I don't hate being in the white room. As confusing as it is, I actually like it alot more than my everyday life.

But what's the difference?

My life feels empty and meaningless and that's all my fault. The white room feels like a dream so the emptiness isn't as obvious like the room.

How ironic is that?

And it's not meaningless because almost everything about everyone there has a meaning, it's kind of exciting. I wouldn't mind spending time with them instead of living my everyday life feeling incredibly lonely. How great would it be to stay in a dream?

But just like most things, it's short lived...

I sat there on the shower floor, as I felt the water sprinkled on me. Something about it was relaxing...

Maybe it's a good thing I lost most of my energy...?

I smiled; who would know the answers to my questions...? What I knew was that sometimes it was good to just forget, even if it is short lived.