Connection

Chapter 24

The bracelet felt light around Lea’s wrist, as loose as the undoing of the knot around her throat. Hael’s promise brought her so much relief she felt like she finally reclaimed her own breath.

“I’m sorry for putting you through that. I was so focused on victimizing myself that I didn’t see how that affected you and Dad and the people around me.”

Lea shook her head, “Hael, do not say that. You are the victim of everything that happened, so you get to decide how you handle all of that. May karapatan kang magalit, may karapatan kang gumanti, you even have the right not to forgive anyone. Including me. I’m the one who contributed a lot to your pain, anak, and I wished I knew how to apologize enough to you.”

“I hurt you too.”

A tear fell on Lea’s cheek at the same time Hael’s did, “But you didn’t do it intentionally... and even if you did, I wouldn’t blame you for it. If hating me gives you a little bit of justice, then you can hate me a little bit more.”

Hael did not let go of her mother’s hand, playing with the safety pin pendant that her left wrist previously owned, “I-I did ask myself how would you feel once I’m gone... and I tried so hard to picture something that would resemble grief. Pain. Pero wala, e. What I got was you getting pissed at me for the mess that I would leave— for yet again being the inconvenience that I am to you— and I think that was what sealed it for me. So, I did it on a random Tuesday,” she sobbed. “I didn’t know it would be this hard for you, too. I didn’t know this is how much you cared.”

“It’s not your fault for not knowing, Hael. It’s mine for not showing it enough.” Their tears bled outside as it started to pour. As if the sky knew it had accumulated enough rain and decided it was time for a gush. To free itself from the heavy load and to make space for another inevitable fill up. “And I’m sorry for not showing it enough... for showing it the wrong way. I am so sorry, anak.”

Lea cupped her daughter’s cheek in an attempt to wipe her tears away, but it just prompted Hael to cry even more. She closed her eyes and held her mother’s hand that was on her cheek, eventually letting go of the other, “Mama, is this real?”

“Ang alin?”

“This...” she opened her eyes and saw the question still in Lea’s eyes. “I have long wanted to run away from you... t-to get away from these hands that either slap or hold me hostage. I thought disappearing forever would finally be my escape, but that obviously didn’t happen. So when you made that deal with me, I felt like I was offered an exit... an exit I didn’t use because I still found myself looking for you. At the airport and even during my whole stay in Canada, I was waiting you’d come and fight for me. Na sana hindi mo ako hayaang umalis kasi ikaw pa rin ’yung mas may karapatan sa akin kasi ikaw ’yung nanay ko. Kahit pa alam mo na hindi ako sasama sa’yo o kahit pa pigilan ka ni Lola, I wanted you to insist on what you want because if there’s one thing I was sure about you, it’s that Lea gets what Lea wants. And I so badly wanted you to want me, Mom. Because I realized that I didn’t really want to get away from these hands, I just wanted them to hold me a little gently. I-I just wished they wouldn’t hurt me for once.”

Lea made a tearful, choked sound, “O-oh, god, anak...” she lamented because that was all that she could say to a daughter she terribly messed up.

“That’s why I’m asking if this is real because I want to manage my expectations. This is all too surreal to me, Mom, and I’m so afraid to get used to it because this might just be temporary. That I’d wake up one day and you’re back to the old you again. I’m having a hard time accepting everything that you are giving me because this version of you is new to me, not because I don’t like it... because trust me, Ma, being cared for by you is healing me. Pero hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ulit bago mo bawiin ’to sa akin?”