Beautiful Images ::VHope::

Vanilla Lace

HoSeok watches me through his camera lens. I stand in the kitchen, washing dishes from dinner and trying not to mind the constant shuttering. It's a cool Sunday, and September has officially sunk its teeth into the neck of the city. Each day takes us closer to the 26th; each day I become sadder. It's a seasonal sad, coming in with a fierceness. It begins to fade in November.

I talked to HoSeok about it, not directly, but I have. I give clues to my sadness, clues to the thoughts that fill my head. The 26th of September and the 13th of October are the worst for me. During these days, I often find myself contemplating my death. Deciding if there is a meaning to my life after all. Of course, I would never really tell HoSeok I think these things. He's too delicate.

The camera shutters again, and I sigh. My hands have been shaking more and more, the shudders traveling up my arms and through my back. I'm not concerned, though. It's probably just my nerves getting the best of me. I stare down at my hands as the sink drains. They shake tremendously, but then again, maybe it's actually my head shaking so bad.

"Are you okay?" I hear HoSeok ask. He sets his camera down, touching my lower back. I find a smile forcing it's way to to my face. A smile forged for his sake.

"Yeah-yeah-yeah." I struggle with the words. He smiles, grabbing my hands. He winks, pulling me along to the living room. I watch him pull the curtains closed, the lights dimmed.

"I wanna play a game. A game called," he pauses, thinking, "you next."

"What-what's that?" I ask. He shrugs.

"I just made it up. But the rules are that the youngest goes first. You remove one article of clothing at a time, and the players must look at each other for ten seconds before the other player goes. Once both are fully undressed we have to stare at each other for a minute before we can take action."

"What-what-what's the-the point of-of th-this?" I ask, my head shaking.

"Foreplay." He says with another shrug. The word sends nervous butterflies to my stomach. Excitement already building just from the word. "But it has to be slow, excruciatingly slow."

"Slow?" I whine. He giggles.

"Slow." He repeats, standing a few feet away from me. I swallow the lump in my throat. He still makes me so nervous. He smiles at me before bringing his lips together in a gorgeous pout.

HoSeok slowly removes his shirt, letting the soft yellow fabric fall to the floor. It pools around his feet like sunlight; his chest glistens like a God's.

Wait. He breathes in.
Wait. His chest falls.
Wait. His stomach tightens.

I mimic his movements, and remove my own shirt. Though HoSeok is godlike in his stance, I am demonic in my own. My blue shirt around my feet mimics rough waters, the trembling in my body the source of the chaos. Yet, the God looks at me like I melt his soul, like the waves excite him.

Wait. His eyes scan my torso.
Wait. My breathing stops.
Wait. You're okay, Tae.

He licks his lips, slowly folding his jeans over his legs. The cool blue of the denim extinguishes the flames at his feet. Suddenly, he resembles a siren. My deepest and darkest desires manifested in flesh. No words form on his lips, yet I can hear the song he sings clearly. It fogs my mind, and I find myself longing to be against his skin.

Wait.
Be patient.
Wait.

He tilts his head, and I find myself removing my own pants, the waves beneath me only becoming darker and harsher. The waves beg me to take the boy out, to crush him under the waters I bring. Instead, I swallow, allowing the God to examine my own body as I do his. Together, we remove the last article of clothing, letting our bodies show in a vulnerable way. In this moment, I know that the Sun God is trusting of me, trusting of a devil. That knowledge only creates wilder waves. Waves almost stronger than myself, and I know he can sense them building within me.

Wait.

And centuries pass between us, the world shifting. Thousands of years pulling us away from the world, and closer together as we stare at each other. He breathes deeply, a soft smile bringing back the sunlight he radiates.

"You're beautiful." He states, and the waves inside calm. It's not my first encounter with the Sun God, but each time I wonder why he would pick to share this moment with me. A demonic soul, the bastard child of Loki. I find myself staring at his hips. I can't take my eyes away from the slight curvature of his frame. I feel sad. Sad and turned on. I feel the old guilt contaminating my rough waters. Guilt for looking at HoSeok in such a way, guilt that he isn't JiMin. It's a feeling I thought went away.

"TaeHyung?" He questions softly. I look up, our eyes locking. I decide to push my sadness and guilt down, covering it with raw emotion for HoSeok. I step forward, grabbing his face and kissing him. I don't give it a second thought that I'm using him.

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HoSeok sleeps beside me on the couch. His hair is a mess, his breathing deep and slow. It's a peaceful sleep. The kind to occur after great sex with someone you love. The type of sleep allowing him to stay naked with no covers. I envy him.

I stare at the wall across from me, dark tendrils swarming me. I can't stop thinking about JiMin. The images of the crash flood my mind. It'll be over in November. Yeah, but it'd be over faster if I died today. I shake my head, shocked at my own thoughts. I'm just sad. I don't actually mean it. HoSeok moans, rolling over.

I'm just a little sad, I tell myself, I don't mean it.

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I stare at the drawers in my kitchen, one fork held in my hand. I can't remember what I was going to do. I can't think of any words to give me directions. HoSeok speaks to me, but nothing is comprehended. I continue to stare, losing myself within my mind as I struggle to remember what I was doing. A soft kiss is placed to my neck; the fork is removed from my hand.

"You're so tired today." HoSeok says, and I finally pick up on his words. "Are you feeling well?" He frowns at me, setting the fork on the table.

"Y-yeah." I stammer.

"What do you want to do today?" He asks. Be alone and cry.

"Watch a-a-a movie." I say instead. He smiles, pulling out his phone and flipping through his Netflix. I turn around, tripping over my own feet on the way to the living room. I stumble forward, my palms landing on the couch. I blink, my vision drawing a blank momentarily. I think I moved too fast.

I rest on the couch, chewing my thumb as I wait for HoSeok to sit beside me. He plops down, snuggling into my chest. He smells like vanilla and lace, mixing together. It's nice, comforting. It cuts through my sadness, and holds me.

"You have to watch this show. Everyone loves it." He says, holding up his phone for me to see what he is casting to the television. The End of The Fucking World. Interesting. We watch the show silently; well, he watches the show. I stare down at his soft hair, running my fingers through it absently. My mind spreads across continents, and travels through time.

I find myself thinking about the brown haired boy laying on me. I think about how lucky I am to have him. I don't deserve to have him, yet I do. I think about all of his pain, and all of my own. I think about the accident. The blood, the smell. I think about the hospital, and becoming so familiar with the nursing staff. I think about Doctor SeokJin calling Harvard for me and letting them know I wouldn't be back for the semester. Tears prick my eyes.

I need to stop thinking about it, but with each day bringing us closer to the two most depressing dates for me, I can't help it. I'm happy, truly I am. I'm happy with HoSeok, and I'm happy knowing that one day I will ask him to be my husband. I'm happy in the long run. But in the moment, I just want to skip under the waters while I bathe. For the moment, I want no more moments.

I come back to reality, with HoSeok's head on my chest. He breathes deeply, snuggling his face deeper into my chest. He mumbles something to me, the sleep in his voice masking his words. I make an assumption, kissing his head.

"I-I love you, t-t-too."

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Don't get all fucking Avengers on my ass for saying Loki. He's just a Norse god.