Stray Cat

Chapter Eight

After sitting on the bathroom floor with his knees tucked under his chin, Dan felt like an idiot after only a few minutes. He had started shaking in fear when Phil grabbed his arm, but the shaking slowed as Dan ran the events through his mind again and reassured himself that Phil hadn't wanted to hurt him. Other people had hurt him; the handprints on his hips that hadn't completely faded were constant reminders of this. Phil hadn't hurt him, and Dan had no reason to fear him. But what about that kiss?

Dan brought himself back to that moment in his memory. He hadn't blinked an eye when Phil licked the jelly from his face off his finger - Phil was an odd guy sometimes - but Dan had been blindsided by the kiss. He hadn't realized that Phil was interested in him like that. He thought about pulling away, but it wasn't unpleasant. It was actually kind of nice - warm and soft - so he stayed still for a while, experiencing Phil's mouth moving against his. It seemed to go on for a while. It went on for too long, and his mind started to wander.

That was when things went wrong. Dan remembered other mouths that had clamped down on his, bruising, biting, demanding. Phil wasn't doing that, but Dan panicked, picturing that happening next. Just when he was about to scream, Phil pulled away.

Dan had been terrified at the time, but he could think rationally about it now that he was safe behind a locked door. The men who had kissed him roughly before had looked aroused when they saw Dan's fear. When Phil saw it, he looked like he was going to be sick. Dan turned this fact over in his mind, since it seemed significant. Then Phil had said something important: he kissed Dan because he liked him.

The concept of being liked was foreign to Dan. He had never been liked by someone before, and the only time he had been kissed was by people who were preparing to hurt him. When Phil kissed him, Dan was sure that he was going to do the same. He ran from Phil, feeling the sting of betrayal. He had trusted Phil totally and completely, but Phil had turned out to be no different from the rest. All he wanted to do was use Dan's body. Surely if Phil was bad, then there were no good people in the world.

As Dan ran these facts through his mind in retrospect, he considered the possibility that he had been wrong. Maybe Phil really hadn't been preparing to hurt him. Dan was an idiot when it came to emotions and interpreting them, so he considered it from a logical perspective: if Phil really was a predator who invited Dan into his home to use his body, it would be unrealistic for him to wait 5 days to attack. There was that moment when he walked in on Dan wearing just his pants, and he had been cornered and vulnerable - a predator would have struck then, but Phil left and apologized later.

So, Phil didn't want to hurt him. He just liked him. And how did Dan feel? He honestly didn't know. He liked being around Phil, but his emotions were all over the place and he couldn't make sense of them.

He thought about that kiss again. The first few seconds of it had been kind of nice, but then... yeah, then. Dan made his decision then because even if he did like Phil, nothing could ever come of it. He couldn't kiss Phil without having terrifying flashbacks, so how could he have a relationship with him? What had happened to Dan had broken him. He couldn't like anyone, not even Phil.

Making a decision about a problem usually helped him to feel stable and grounded, but as he decided this Dan felt an ache in his chest. He rubbed his breastbone, but this didn't help. He felt wetness on his cheeks, and then he realized that he was crying. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss, though it didn't make sense to him - he hadn't lost anything. All he had done was decide to give up the possibility of a relationship. Dan fell to pieces then, and he didn't understand why.

Dan wasn't sure how much time had passed when he woke up later, curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor with his tail tickling his nose and his stomach growling. He debated hiding for longer, but Dan wasn't a coward - he could look Phil in the eyes and fuck it if it was awkward. He would just tell him that he only wanted to be friends. Dan left the bathroom, expecting to find Phil in the living room or maybe the kitchen. All he found were the untouched crumpets. The only place he could be was in his bedroom. Dan walked to Phil's door, but it was open and Phil's room was empty. Dan stood in the doorway, staring at the green and blue duvet as if Phil would materialize there any moment now.