Wish You Were Here

Chapter Seven and Eight

Chapter 7

I went on all day, with a few people offering condolences for Riley. I mostly just avoided everyone, never spoke, and zoned out while my teachers droned on and on. I avoided Daisy, because I didn't want to talk about Riley, and I knew that would be the one topic she wouldn't get off of. I wanted to hang out with Daisy, I really did, but I didn't want to talk about the only girl I ever loved with her, especially when the girl I loved was dead.
In my very last class, I didn't listen. I didn't think there was a need, I was just another kid he had to deal with, so I decided that if I wasn't listening, then I would have no need to burden him with my questions.
Finally, the bell rang. I grabbed my backpack and ran about as fast as you can on crutches out the door. I was halfway across the classroom when the teacher, Mr. Taylor, approached me. He was a very intimidating guy, and he could sense trouble from 30 miles away. He towered over all of his students, and had a permanent angry look on his face. I gulped, hoping it wasn't audible, and looked at him.
"Atticus."
"Yes?"
"Did Riley kill that boy?"
"I would rather not speak of it, sir."
"Why not?"
"I still don't believe it myself."
".... I guess you're free to go." he said in a tone somewhere between distrust and disbelief.
"Thank you."
I sped past him and out into the front of the school. I didn't know if I was supposed to go home with Sean or walk, but that was answered for me when I saw my jeep in the handicapped spot. I went over to the car, debating if I should get in or not. I finally decided anyway, and got in my jeep.
"Hey. How was school?"
"It was okay I guess."

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"I thought about what you said this morning."
No. I thought. I didn't want him to think about it. I had told him I had suicidal thoughts my entire life, which was only partially true. I did have suicidal thoughts, but it was just over the past few days. I figured if I died, I'd see Riley again. I figured, if I died, nobody would have to deal with me anymore. Nobody would have to deal with my constant silence, nobody would have to deal with me taking up the bathroom self-harming, nobody would have to deal with me taking up space around the house. I wouldn't have to deal with myself.
"Oh."
"You're... suicidal?"
I stayed silent.
"Atticus, please just know, I love you so much. Please don't. If you ever need to talk, just come to me, okay?"
He didn't seem very sincere, but I wanted him to shut up. "Okay."
"I love you, kid."
"I love you too."
We drove back home in silence. I pretended not to notice the worried glances he kept throwing at me. I really did love Sean, and I knew he loved me, but we just weren't very close. I really did want Riley back. I wanted to join her, in heaven, away from all the stress and anxiety that was life. I was ready to join her, I was ready to die, for her. The only thing stopping me was Sean. I was ready to pick up the handgun that was kept behind the couch and just go for it, in a heartbeat. But I didn't want to do that to Sean. I didn't care about anyone else, really, because nobody else would care. Nobody realizes I'm alive, so nobody would realize if I was dead either. Maybe-
All of a sudden, there was a searing pain in my chest. I looked at Sean, and he was driving casually, barely worried. My entire chest was burning, and my heart was beating a million miles a minute. I was light headed, and it was very hard to breathe.
"Se-" I managed to utter. I couldn't speak, everything was spinning, my vision was blurry.

Then, everything went black.
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I woke up to blinding fluorescent light. I felt something in my throat, and it was very uncomfortable. I started coughing, and three doctors rushed around me. Whatever was in my throat was removed, and I was breathing heavily. My chest burned, and it felt like my entire chest was tied into a knot. There were dozens of wires all over my body, and an IV in the crook of my arm. I safely assumed I was in a hospital.
"Atticus?"

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I tried to speak, but I realised I couldn't. I was nauseous, and very lightheaded. I felt dizzy,
and very tongue tied. I could barely keep my eyes open, not because I was tired, but because my eyelids were just heavy, and it hurt to just keep them open. I figured there was no need to have them open, so I kept them closed. It was kind of hard to breathe, and I was very hot. I didn't feel hot, but sweat was pouring down my face so fast I could feel it run, and I could see it drip onto my arms. I opened my eyes quickly. My arms. I thought, are exposed.
I looked down. There were lined scars all over my arms, to where I could only see red, I could hardly see any skin at all. I closed my eyes, and hoped mom and Sean hadn't seen. How long had I been here? Have they visited? Has it been days, weeks, months?
"Atticus Matthews? You've been in the hospital for days. Fourteen days, to be exact. We are led to believe you have heart disease, which is very serious. We need to know if you experience the symptoms. Can you speak?" There was a doctor, (or nurse, I couldn't tell), maybe in his mid-forties, standing over me.
"I don't know." I said aloud. "I guess so."
"How do you feel?"
"Awful."
"What symptoms do you have?"
"Well, I'm really hot, nauseous, lightheaded, I can't keep my eyes open, and it's hard to breathe." I said, and then everything hurt so bad my vision went black before my eyes were closed.
The doctor looked at me, then at his clipboard. I saw him mutter something before he looked back at me. He looked at the heart monitor, and that's when I noticed the small beeps that seemed to be coming from the monitor, and they were happening very, very slowly. I shut my eyes again, their weight becoming to much to bare.
"That's what I was afraid of." he said. "I'll be right back."
I heard him leave the room, and I looked up. It was just me. I was all alone in the most boring room ever possible. It was a small, solid white room. The bed was white, the side tables were white, the hard plastic chairs were white. Out the window, there was nothing but a white concrete wall. Right above the window, there was a huge, bulky, white tv. The only thing that wasn't white was my turquoise hospital gown and some of the wires I was connected too.
God, my chest hurt. I felt like somebody had taken vice grips and clamped them all around my upper body, binding all of it together so tight that I could scarcely breathe.
I shut my eyes. When they were closed, my head felt a whole lot better. My head felt like it would float up into space at any minute now.
"Atticus Matthews."
I heard a deep, male voice come from the door. I opened my eyes and looked over. There was a doctor standing there, probably in his early-forties. He was still looking sharp, but definitely not young. He was very tall, with a muscular build. His head was shaved, and he was wearing black rectangular glasses. His skin was very dark, with a few wrinkles at his forehead.
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"Yes?" I managed to say. It was very difficult, speaking tightened my chest worse than it already was.
"I'm Doctor Crawford. I'm the one that has been watching over you. Do you know why you're here, or how long you've been here?"
I shook my head no.
"You were in a car when you went into cardiac arrest. Your brother was there, giving you CPR when paramedics arrived. We got you stabilized, but you've been in a slight coma ever since. It's been two weeks."
Two weeks?
"You've had a few visitors. Your mom, brother, and girlfriend dropped by.
Girlfriend? "Girlfriend?"
"Daisy. She's not your girlfriend?"
I shook my head no. Daisy had seen me? Wow. That was really nice of her.
"Anyway, we think you may have something very, very serious. We aren't positive at the moment, so I'm not going to worry you yet. I just need to know, have you had any depression lately?"
He looked to my arms, and I sheepishly covered them. I thought of Riley. I wanted to say no, I've been strong, and I've kept myself calm for the girl I love. But I hadn't. I had depression, and there was no more denying it.
"Yes." I muttered. My chest tightened, and I winced.
He nodded, and wrote something on his clipboard. "Alright then. I will give you the news as soon as I know myself."
He left the room, and a nurse exchanged my empty IV bag for a new one. She also emptied the bedpan under me, and forced a feeding tube down my nose and into my stomach, which hurt like hell.
I was in the hospital, again. I absolutely hated this place. This is the place I got my first girlfriend, and now she would never be here again. I felt a tear slide down my cheek at the thought of her purple braces, and her firey red hair. My face kept getting wetter and wetter with my tears, as I thought of her every feature. Her piercing blue eyes, her small freckle clusters on her cheeks. But, most importantly, her love for me. When I was with her, the love radiated from her body, the way air comes from a ceiling fan. It was a constant, unwavering love, and I couldn't reach the pull to turn it off, nor did I want too.
But it was all gone now.
God, I missed her. I didn't know how I'd ever not miss her. Before her my life was just the dull life of a bullied teen. With her around it was fun, hopeful, interesting. Now, she's gone again, and my life is the dull life of a teen who is majorly depressed and didn't want to admit it. I thought about the last few days, and how I had lost interest in everything I used to love doing. I thought