Wish You Were Here

Chapter 11-13

Chapter 11
The next few days were a complete blur. I still had on the bipap, there were no emails, and the doctors were sending me for different treatments everyday. I never felt any better, but luckily, I never felt any worse. At some point, at least once a day, Doctor Crawford would come and take my blood pressure personally. He would never tell me what it was, he would just shake his head. I could only assume the worst from his reactions.
One day, while he was taking my blood pressure, he looked at me.
"Look, Atticus, I don't know why this stuff isn't working, but I know that it's not. Now, we have two options. We can try this twenty day treatment, in which you would probably feel very sick while on it. It is one of the best ones, but I wanted to ask you, because it makes some people very sick, and it still may not work depending on the severity of your heart failure, which we can't even tell what that is right now. We could also go ahead and do a heart transplant, but that has maybe a sixty percent chance of working. That's even more risky than the treatment."
"Well, if my options are being really sick and possible death, I think I'm gonna spring for the sick."
"I thought so. You're very cooperative Atticus. After all the treatments we've tried so far, most people would be insane at this point."
"Well, I would like to, you know, survive."
He laughed, and I just looked down at my arm.
"Is this another I.V? I didn't think there were that many treatments for heart failure that could just run through your blood."
"Well, there are, but this isn't one of them."
"Well then how do I do it?"
"Well, it's actually a PICC line. We have to run it, um, directly into your chest."
"What?"
He nodded, and I looked at him. "You can't be serious."
"I am."
"When are we going to start."
"As soon as possible, but we can let you call someone in if you want them to be here."
"Okay. Hold on."
I picked up my phone, and I texted Miles.
90
ASAP! Come to hospital quick.
He immediately responded
Omg are you okay?
I'm fine I just want you here I'll explain when you get here.
On interstate already be there in 10.
I looked at the doctor and said "Can we wait ten minutes?"
"I guess so. Do you really need someone here for it? I'd like to start as soon as possible."
"I mean, I don't need anyone, but I definitely want someone."
"Okay then."
We waited around, the doctor leaving to go get the materials, and then Miles walked in, closely followed by Dr. Crawford.
"Atticus, what is going on?"
"They're trying to run a new treatment, and I'm going to do it, but it's in a picc line that goes right into my chest.
"Oh god."
"So I wanted you to be here so I could have someone hold my hand." I said, smiling bashfully.
"Anything for you my love." he replied with a dramatic English accent.
He went to the side of my bed and grasped my sweaty hand. He didn't seem to mind.
"Okay, Atticus, I need you to pull up your shirt."
"I don't know how to do that without exposing the entirety of my body, such as one part which I'd prefer to leave out of sight."
"Just cover your leg with the blanket."
I pulled the hospital gown down to my thighs, careful to never move the blanket from my legs.
Doctor Crawford then started rubbing down the middle of my scrawny chest with an alcohol wipe. 
"Just relax." Miles told me, and I put my head back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling.
"Okay, are you ready?"
I nodded, and I closed my eyes. Soon, I could feel the cold metal sinking into my skin, and I tensed up.
"If you tense, it's not going to work and we'll have to do it again." he told me.
I relaxed, but I could feel hot tears coming to my closed eyes from the pain.
"Atticus, you're doing great, it's almost over." Miles told me, and I squeezed his hand.
All of a sudden, the needle was out and most of the pain was gone. I could feel the plastic tube stuck in my chest, but it didn't hurt. I opened my eyes, and Miles was standing over me, and he was smiling.
"What?" I asked.
"I just love you." He said.
"I love you too."
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Doctor Crawford attached something to the tube and put it on the metal stand next my my head.
"The effects won't kick in for a few hours, but be prepared to be really ill, okay? This makes everyone feel pretty terrible."
"Okay." I said. I didn't mind. I just wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.
He left the room and I looked to Miles.
"So, what's going on?"
"This is the last treatment they can try before they have to do a heart transplant. It lasts for twenty days too."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
He looked at me, seemingly at a loss for words. I wanted to know what Miles was thinking. Was he worried? Was he trying to piece everything together? Was he about to cry? I didn't know.
"What are you thinking about?" I said at last.
"I just... I don't know. I thought you would be better. I didn't realize it was this serious... you might have to risk your life, Atticus. And if-" his voice cracked, and he mumbled. "If you died, I'd-" he didn't get to finish, because in that moment he broke down, sobbing.
"Miles..." I said, thinking about what he had said. If I had to have a heart transplant and I didn't make it, Miles would be torn to pieces.
I watched his shoulders shake, and I didn't know what to do. It was very awkward, for he thought his sobs were quiet, but they rang in my ears like bells.
I looked toward him, and I had a huge urge to comfort him. But, I couldn't get up, and it didn't look like he planned to.
"Come here Miles." I said. I didn't think he was actually going to come to me, so you can imagine my surprize when he got up and came to me.
He came to me and slumped down against the hospital bed, landing in the floor. I ran my fingers through his soft black hair. "It's okay. Nothing's going to happen-" that's when I exploding into a huge coughing fit. It was the worst timing, but I had been doing that a lot lately. When I was done, I continued. "Nothing's going to happen to me Miles. I promise, everything will be okay."
Out of nowhere, he jumped up. "You think I haven't heard that bullshit before? You think that I believe it? That's exactly what Alex told me. That's exactly what Riley told me before she left! That's exactly what I heard from Daisy before she just disappeared too!" His voice was raising, and he was crying and screaming at me at the same time. But something didn't add up.
"You told me that you didn't know Riley!"
"Well I didn't want to make you upset! But it seems as though that's not going to happen, because it's not going to work, and you're just going to die, just like everyone else I've ever remotely loved."
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All of a sudden, there was a burning anger in me, and then everything was black before I could yell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Atticus, are you okay?" I heard Miles's voice above me.
    "Uh, yeah" I slurred. "Where am I?"
    "Still in the hospital, baby."
    "Huh?"
    "You had a seizure."
    "Oh."
    I started crying. I didn't know why, but all of a sudden I was feeling incredibly sad.
    "It's okay." I heard, and I felt Miles's arms wrap around me.
    "I love you."
    "I love you too."
    I closed my eyes. I was incredibly tired, and I just wanted to sleep.
    "Sleepy?"
    "Mm hm."
    "I'll let you rest." He stepped away from me, and I heard him cross the room and the light click off.
    I settled back on my pillow, and almost immediately fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Sometime later, I woke up again. I looked outside and saw it was dark outside. The digital clock on the wall lit up the room with it's red "3:00 A.M."
    I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My chest was tight, and my head was pounding. I felt as if I would throw up too. I looked over and saw that the treatment connected to the PICC line was refilled.
    I picked up my phone and saw that I had another unread email.
    Ahh great. I thought. Not this again.
    I opened it and saw a picture of a steering wheel, with a tunnel stretched out in the background. I saw in the background that there was one other car in the rearview mirror, and it was a police car.
Wish you were here, Atticus.
Sent at 1:00 A.M.
I couldn't believe it. Where was she going? Why did the time connect to the picture every time? Why was she still sending these to me?
Out of nowhere, the door popped open.
"Atticus?" I heard a male voice that I didn't recognise ask.
"What?" I said, still sleepy.
He turned on the light, and I saw the one person I never wanted to see again in my life.
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"Dad?"
He nodded and sat down in the white plastic chair.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. Is that so bad?"
"Why?"
"Because you're my son!"
"That hasn't seemed to matter in the past."
"Well, Atticus, I haven't been a very good father in the past."
"You're telling me."
"Atticus, I just wanted to apologize. When I went away, I thought you didn't want to see me. I thought it was best if I just didn't interfere anymore."
    I stayed silent, waiting for him to go on.
    "I was looking back at our photo album, and I saw so many picture of Sean, and so little pictures of you, and I realized that I've been a terrible dad. I wanted to make it up to you. So I started reading books, going to counseling, doing whatever I could to help you. Then when Sean finally called me yesterday and told me you were in the hospital with heart failure, I had to see you. I left my house right away. It took me a good six hours to get here, but I didn't mind. I wanted to prove to you that I could be a good father."
    "Six hours? I thought you lived in L.A.?"
    "No! I live in Alabama? Who told-"
    Then he stopped in his tracks, and he looked confused. "Oh my god, I told you guys I went L.A. to make you jealous. Oh man, Atticus, I'm so sorry..."   
    "Dad, do you think you can make up for a whole childhood of awful memories just by visiting me in the hospital? At least you didn't beat me!" I glared at him for a minute before continuing. "If you want to make up to me, you're going to get Sean to forgive you. If you can do that, and put in the effort to do that, then maybe I'll forgive you."
    He stayed silent, and looked at me. Finally I broke the silence.
    "Why did you beat Sean, but it seemed as though you loved him?"
    "Because Atticus, I didn't beat him. It was him. He was bullied all the time, and I didn't do anything. I didn't know for a long time either. One time it went to court, because someone had broke his arm on purpose. I took the blame, because I didn't want an innocent kid to take the blame. And then, well, I came back from prison about a month before you were born, and that's when I did beat him."
    "So you did beat Sean?"
    "Yeah."
    "But you loved him more than me."
    "No. I loved you both equally. I knew that I couldn't beat you because you were so young, so I took my anger out on your brother. Because I was the worst dad. I really was."
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"I want you to get out of here dad. Don't talk to any of us. I don't love you, and neither does Sean or Mom. I hate you-"
    "Come on, you don't mean that."
    "Yes I do! Just go die! It would be better that way, okay?" I said before I even knew what I was saying.
    He looked at me, with a cold hatred in his eyes. He stood up and left the room without a word.
    I hated my father. Seething, I turned over and looked at my phone. 
    I saw that I had a missed call from Miles.
    I called him back and he picked up after about the third ring.
    "Hello?"
    "You called?"
    "Yeah. Atticus, we need to talk."
    "Mile's it's five o'clock in the morning."
    "Four."
    "Whatever, can this wait?"
    "Okay. I'll be there later, how about at 1:00?"
    "Sure."
    "I love you?" He offered in a tone somewhere between confusion and sincerity.
    "I love you too."
    I hung up and tried to sleep, to no avail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned, I couldn't stop thinking of my dad. And when I finally stopped wrestling the sheets, I got extreme vertigo and threw up all over my bed,and myself. So when they finally got that cleaned up, it was eight thirty. At that point I knew sleep was useless and I just gave up.
    So here I was at ten, barfing into a gray plastic bucket. Crawford wasn't lying when he said I would be sick. I had been throwing up for half an hour.
    Finally, when I had stopped, my phone started ringing.
    "Hello?" I said, sounding more weak than I meant too.
    "Atticus, did I wake you up?"
    "No."
    "Can I go ahead and come over? I really need to talk to you."
    I remembered the other day, and how he had lied to me. "Yeah. You do need to talk to me. Come on."
    "Okay, I'll be there in ten."
    "Whatever."
95
    I hung up the phone and laid back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I didn't remember everything, but I remember him saying "That's what Riley said before she left!". He knew Riley, and he lied to me about it.
    My boyfriend lied to me about someone I loved.
    Then, he came in.
    "I thought it was going to take ten minutes. Or did you lie about that too?" I said, crossing my arms. I tried to look intimidating, but with my tiny body legless body and a huge plastic heap over my face, it probably didn't look all that scary.
    "Look, Atticus, I didn't want to lie to you-"
    "But you did."
    "Just let me explain."
    "You said you didn't know Riley. But you did. There's nothing else to explain."
    "You don't understand Atticus, please let me explain."
    I thought over it for a minute. "If you can actually provide a reasonable excuse for lying to me about Riley, I'll forgive you."   
    "Oh thank you Atticus."   
    "Well, get on with it."   
    "Atticus, I told you I didn't know Riley, because I didn't just know Riley. Riley was my... well..."
    "What?"
    "Riley was my niece. My older sister was Riley's mom. She was... she was a teen mom. Had Riley when she was fifteen. Her dad had Daisy just the year after with someone else. "
    "So? That has nothing to do with why you didn't tell me."   
    "I didn't tell you because I really liked you, Atticus, and I felt like if you knew I knew her, you wouldn't date me because it would be weird."
    "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." I was trying to be mad, but I couldn't hold in my laughter anymore.
    "What's so funny?"   
    "That you lied to me because you loved me. We talked about that the other day, remember?"
    "Yeah, I guess we did."
    I couldn't be mad at him anymore. He was doing what he thought was right, and we had established that it wasn't. "I love you." I said to him.
    "I love you more."
    "I don't think so."
    Suddenly, I had another wave of vertigo wash over me. I fell back onto my pillow and closed my eyes.
    "Atticus? Are you okay?" Miles said frantically, rushing to my side.
    96
"I'm fine." I said, and then I had to remove the bipap and grab the gray bucket.
As I vomited into the bucket, I felt insanely guilty for Miles.
    "Atticus, you are not."   
    "No, really, it's just this treatment."
    "...Oh."
    Finally, I had placed the bipap back over my face and set the bucket aside. The nurses would be there to replace within a few minutes.   
    "Atticus, I'm sorry."
    "It's okay Miles."
    "No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have lied to you."   
    "Well, no, you shouldn't have, but it's all in the past now, it's okay."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Positive."
    "I just... Atticus I gave you seizure... I know how those feel and I don't want you to go through them, especially because of me."   
    "Baby it's okay, I know that you didn't mean it."
    "But it's pretty serious while you have heart failure..."
    "Well, I'm obviously okay. I'm not worried about it, Miles. Don't dwell on something that doesn't matter.
    "But it does matter-"
    "It did matter. But it doesn't matter anymore. So please, I'm telling you, it's okay."
    "I have seizures all the time. Epilepsy."
    "Really?"
    "Yeah. So I know what you went through."
    "Then why are you so worried?"
    "I was afraid that you were mad at me  and wouldn't tell me.
    "I'm not mad Miles."
    I grabbed his hand and looked at him.
    "God, I love you."
    He kissed me on cheek and tried to rest his hand on my leg before remembering that it wasn't there. He blushed and moved to the other one. "Oops."
    I laughed and smiled at him. Even though I was physically a wreck, he made me feel as though there was no wrong in the world.
    Just then, my phone made the notification noise that indicated that I either had a friend request or and email. I safely assumed it was an email.
    I picked it up and opened my inbox. Sure enough, there was an anonymous picture and five words.
This time, the picture was a 2016 black Kia Sorento parked on the street near a beach.
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There were eleven tally marks keyed into the side of the vehicle.
Wish you were here, Atticus.
Sent at 11:00 A.M. 
"Oh my god! Look at this!"
Miles looked over my shoulder at the screen and frowned. "That's here in L.A."
"Seriously?"       
"Yeah, but it's still like three hours from here with all the traffic."
"So Daisy is here?"
"Well, I would guess."
"Do you think she's coming here?"
"I don't know."
"Well, Miles, I believe you've cracked the case!"
"Really?"
"No! All you've said is the L.A. thing and like an entire chorus of 'I don't know's."
"Well, I don't."
"I know. It's okay."
I looked at him, and then back to my email.
"Um... how long have I been here?"
"Uh... probably about three months."
"Seriously?"
"I think so."
"It seems like an eternity!"
"Well, it's really not."
"Anyway, eleven o'clock... eleven tally marks on a car..."
That's when I realized what was going on.
"She ran away when Riley died! And now she knows I'm in  the hospital, and she's coming here! She's been on her way here!"
"Daisy always wanted to be a world traveler too..."
"So she's exploring on her way here and that's why it's taken her so long! Oh my god!"
"I think we may have a closed case on our hands, Matthews."
I looked at him in disbelief. "Daisy is coming here.... But she's severely damaged, mentally, Miles."
"Mentally Miles? Mental Miles-" He said in a sing songy voice before I cut him off.
"Haha. Not the point. She needs help Miles. And if she comes here, we're going to give it to her. Okay?"
"Okay."
I looked at him, lost for words.  "What do we do until then? Prepare? Lay around like pigs? Do something for her? What are we going t-"
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And then, without warning, Miles was taking the bipap off of my face.
"Dude! What the hell are you doing?"
    He didn't answer. As soon as the bipap was ff my face, his lips were on mine. He ran his hands through my hair, and, on the spur of moment, I had my hands on his hips, kissing him passionately.
Then, he abruptly broke away.
"I know I shouldn't have done that, but I just couldn't not do it." He said, looking at his shoes, flushed red with embarrassment.
"It's okay." I said, putting the bipap back over my face. "I loved it."
He looked at me and smiled. "Atticus, you're the best boyfriend anyone could ask for."
"Tell that to anyone else."
"I will. Who are your friends? You know I have to brag about you!"
"Babe, I don't have any friends."
"Why not?"
"Because everybody hates me, thinks I'm ugly or a stupid geek. I was the bully target of the most popular guy in school. Everyone hates me, because if they didn't they would be just a much of a bully target as I am."
"Well, I don't think of you that way."
    "Damn Miles, I hope not, you are dating me!"
    Miles laughed and then looked me in the eye.
    "You're really going to move to L.A. for me?"
    "Well, I see it as a win-win situation. I get to be with my boyfriend, he gets to be with me, and I can start a new life for myself too.  I could go a new school, a fresh start. With my academics I may be able to go ahead and graduate, then go straight into college. I can be a whole new me. Except, not personality wise."
    "Wow. I didn't realize it could do all that for you."
    "I didn't either. But, I'll get to be with you, which is the most important thing."
    "Of course it is."
    I looked at him, and then his phone started ringing.
"I better take this." He said, standing up.
He walked outside and I was left alone again. I was so glad I had Miles, for I loved him. I knew I had said that before, but I did. I felt bad, because I thought Riley was the "Only one I'd ever love". But I realized that I'm just like anyone else. I'll love a lot of people. We're only seventeen, we're probably not going to last forever.  I'll find someone else and he will too. That's what happens to normal people, and I'm normal. I wasn't going to convince myself otherwise again.
Miles walked back in with a troubled, hurt look.
"What?" I asked him.
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"I have to go. Apparently, now that I'm seventeen, I have to go through excess training
before I can be a full member of the military."
"Well, go! This is your dream! Go, Miles!"
"Depending on how good I am they're considering deporting me for six months..."
"Well, Miles, if you do, you know how awesome that will be? You'll get to fight for our country!"
"I have been wanting to do this since my birthday..."
"When was that?"
    "January."
    "Miles, you're almost eighteen now! Go, you'll be great I promise."
    "Okay. I will."
    "Yeah you will."
    He went to my side and took my hand. He brought it to his face and gently kissed my knuckles. "I love you."
    "I love you too. Now go! Go before it's too late, my darling."
    "Uhg, what happened to sick Atticus?"
    "You happened and brought out the best in me. It'll be even nerdier when I'm out of here and not sick anymore."
    "Oh, greeeeat."
    I laughed, and then I looked at him. "Seriously, go now Miles. I believe in you."
    "Thanks Atticus."
    He left the room and I was left alone yet again.
    A member of the military? Deported, for six months? I loved Miles. I didn't think I could let go of him for that long. I wanted him to pursue his dreams, I really did, but I didn't want to be left alone without him. But, it might not happen. I tried to tell myself this, and it wasn't working.I
I tried to sleep, to no avail. I didn't want to lose another one that I loved. Not again.