Finding My Normal

Chapter 4

Today was possibly the hardest day of my life. My father had finally gotten his leave and we were having a small funeral ceremony with close friends and whatever family we had left in the area. I still hadn't been allowed to go back to my house even though it had been almost two weeks since the incident. Trevor spent every waking moment by my side afraid that I would break one day and have a mental breakdown. Right now he was preparing me breakfast which he would watch me eat once I was dressed. I stared at the black dress that laid on the bed with a sour taste in my mouth. Putting on the dress and going down to the church to bury my grandmother would make it that much more real. I hadn't cried for about a week and a half.

Mourning proved to be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I never knew when it was okay to break down and throw a tantrum because my emotions were all over the place and when I was supposed to act like an adult and smile through it all. It was hard. At work, Mr. Thompson had offered me time off, but I knew that taking any unnecessary time off would come back around to bite me in the ass. I needed money, I needed a distraction, and I needed to keep my routine. Whenever I thought about laying in bed all day and wallowing in my sadness my grandmother's words would ring in my head. Never let them see you cry, KiKi. People are always watching the black woman, waiting for her to fall apart. Never let them see you fall apart.

I hadn't even realized I was crying until the door to my room was opened and I was pulled into a hug. Trevor wiped the tears off of my cheeks as I grabbed him tight. My body was covered in only my underwear, but I didn't care. My walls were slowly breaking and I didn't know how I was supposed to keep them up. It seemed like everyone was coping well but me. Was I really just weak?

"Listen, Ki. It's okay to cry. I know it hurts." Trevor whispered into my hair that was freshly straightened. "She wouldn't want to see you like this, honey."

My tears only started to flow faster when I heard that. How did Trevor know what she wanted for me? I didn't even know what she wanted from me. I just knew she wanted me to be successful. She wanted me to be happy and to make her proud, but I couldn't do that if she wasn't here. I couldn't ask her for advice or seek her guidance if she wasn't here on this Earth with me. Sadness began to swallow me whole as I rocked back and forth in Trevor's arms.

"Can we get you dressed so we can go down to the church?" He asked.

I peeked up at his hopeful face before I nodded. He handed me the dress off of my bed and helped me into it. He fixed my hair before planting a soft kiss on my forehead. He grabbed my keys and phone before leading me to the kitchen. My eyes landed on the plate of eggs and pancakes that he'd made for me. The food smelled delicious, but I had no appetite. I sent Trevor a sad smile before shaking my head at him. A sad look crossed his features.

"One bite, please." He begged.

"I'm really not hungry, T." I hadn't been hungry since she died. There were some days I could force myself to eat, but today wasn't one of those days. Today was going to be a light snack kind of day, Trevor's least favorite kind of day. He was going to respond until his phone rang in his pocket. I left him to answer it as I went into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. I unscrewed the top and lifted the bottle to my lips, feeling instant relief when the cool liquid entered my system. Trevor hung up and told me that we had to meet my dad at the church.

For the past two weeks, Trevor has driven my car with no complaints. Today, however, he tossed me the keys and hopped into the passenger seat. I furrowed my brows at this. Why today? By the time I had opened my mouth to ask, he had already closed his door and was buckled in waiting for me to get in the driver's seat. I slid in, a million questions brewing in my mind. Starting my engine, I pulled out and started our quick trip to the church. When we pulled up, I noticed that everyone was inside except for Jahmil. Trevor and I got out of the car but Trevor rushed into the church leaving me outside with Jah. He gave me a quick once over before wrapping his arms around me.