Finding My Normal

Chapter 14

"Aight, so boom –" My dad started, passing around a bowl of chips. We had ordered tacos instead of going out to get them and the restaurant recognized my name and sent us an order of chips and salsa, my favorite.

"Dad, that's not... no. Don't say that" I laughed, glancing at Trevor.

Trevor busted out laughing, sending chips flying all over him and Brent. Brent shot him a stank look but he completely ignored him.

"That's what all the young niggas at the base say, so ima say it." He laughed, "But like I was saying, when you were six, I was doing some real dumb shit. Your mother had been pressuring me to leave the streets alone because she always feared that I wouldn't come home to you."

Jah leaned up a little, taking interest in the conversation. "You was selling drugs Mr. J?" My father nodded slightly as he took a big bite of his tacos. "That's wassup, who you worked under?"

My father got all quiet. I could tell that whatever he was going to say next would make me angry all over again. Jah was hanging on to his next words like he was spitting the gospel. I unconsciously leaned deeper into the couch, not wanting to seem too hooked on the words my father would say next. I wanted to know why my mother and grandmother died, but given the way my father was acting, I couldn't tell if it was even worth it anymore. He took a deep breath before he set his tacos on the coffee table.

"Jahmil, do you sell drugs, boy?"

Jah shook his head, "Nah I don't sell 'em, I just run the trap every so often."

"Cut that shit the fuck out. Especially if you tryna fuck with my daughter. That's the shit that got her mother killed."

My breath caught in my throat. "You selling drugs got mom killed? Are deadass, dad?" Jah immediately lifted me and sat me in his lap. I didn't even realize I had leaned forward and was inching closer to my father's face. He sat emotionless watching me. "Nigga you looking at me like we discussing the fucking weather, this is my mother we talking about!"

"Babe, watch your mouth. That's still your pops." Jah whispered in my ear. Lee was hovering behind the couch that my father and I shared, just incase I had found my way out of Jah's lap. In that moment I was looking at some nigga on the street, this man admitted to drugs being the reason my Momma wasn't alive. That could only mean that drugs were the same reason Grandma was dead too.

"Nah, she's right to be mad, Jah. She can have this pass." My father was sat with his back rigid, his eyes glossed over. He spoke emotionlessly and stared forward, not daring to look my way. "It wasn't the drugs, persay. I had been fucking with Big E."

"Big E?" Brent was suddenly very interested. "You mean Big E from the Bronx? The same Big E who took down Tae's crew a few years ago?"

"Yeah, B. THAT Big E. That nigga had me moving big work, but I wanted to be moving more. I wanted to make sure that Kianna and Sierra were straight for life. So I stole 5 kilos of work from a shipment we got and sold it. For a while, nobody knew it was me who did it, but a nigga got cocky. I was walking around like bullets ain't affect me or something."

My blood was boiling. So while my mother was hard at work, and at home making sure I was fed, bathed, and taken care of, this niggas was out selling drugs? And then stealing from niggas like nobody knew where we laid our heads? What kind of shit was he actually on? Trevor had moved closer to me and now held my right hand in his.

My father looked at me quickly before returning his eyes to the wall. "I know you're mad but let me finish."

"Finish? You gon tell me how my mother died because you stole from a fucking Kingpin?" Venom seeped into my voice and I knew it pierced my father in his heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Ki. When I left, I had worked out a deal with them. I would send him payments every month and he would keep his hands off of you and mom."

Jah shifted us and tightened his arms around me slightly. "Well, we see that something went wrong. What the fuck happened?"

"I missed one fucking payment. I had paid for the drugs and I was almost done with the interest. Big E said that I missed a single fucking payment so I had to learn that he wasn't about the games." My father's voice broke and he laid his head in his hands. "That would have been the last payment. I was about to apply for a discharge from the Army so that I could finally come home."

"And why the hell couldn't you tell me anything? A word? A heads up?!" I screamed. My body started shaking violently and I could feel my friends surround me. "You called to fuss me out about a tattoo! Why didn't you tell me to be careful? That maybe me and Grandma should have made a trip out of town, Dad? Something! It's like you didn't fucking think about us!"

I stood up roughly, shocking Jahmil. I fussed as I rushed around the room and grabbed my keys. "Ki, where the fuck is you going?" Trevor yelled.

"To see my fucking mother and grandma. The only two parents who would never lie to me!"

My father stood up and stepped towards me but I was out the door before he could get to me. I glanced back and saw Lee and Trevor talking to him while Jahmil ran to catch up with me. I started up my Jeep and was ready to pull off until my door was yanked open. Jah snatched me into his arms and held me until I broke down. Here I was, ugly crying again for what seemed like the thousandth time since school ended. I could not catch a break, and it didn't make it any better that my father was at the heart of it this whole time.

"If you wanna go see your people, we'll go, but it's late baby girl. I don't want you to go by yourself. We can all go, or you can take Trev. I know he knew your Grandma better than all of us. But I want you to be safe." Jah spoke softly as he held my crying body. "You tell me what you want to do, babygirl, we'll do it."

"I want to visit them, but I want to talk to them alone."

Jah nodded before dropping a kiss on the top of my head. "Give me a minute and we'll be out. I'll drive though, so scoot to the passenger, babe."