Before The After (Tom Hiddleston Fan-Fic)

Chapter 38

Maybe you shouldn't have drank on the flight, is the first thing I think when I land at Heathrow airport and am pretending not to stumble out of the terminal. For whatever reason, an earlier, more sober version of me thought three shots didn't sound like enough liquid courage at the time. But as I trip my way through customs, I know sober me was probably a little excessive. Thankfully, though, no paps are waiting at the airport to document the tragic evidence of sober me's failure to calculate alcohol consumption in relation to individual body mass.

I'm wandering through the airport in search of an escalator when I first see him, and my heart does a weird thing, like it can't decide if it wants to beat anymore or not.

It's a UNICEF campaign commercial and he's playing soccer--sorry, football--with a dozen dark-skinned kids before the image shifts and he's in a hospital, holding a sick baby in his arms. His head is tilted down as he looks into the pinched face, and my stomach lurches at the familiarity of his posture.

"Kate? Kate!" Tom cries as soon as he sees the bizarre scene before him, falling to his knees to kneel beside me on the floor. His hand comes up to brush away the golden brown curls that have fallen across Daniel's forehead.

"Kate! What's happening? What the hell is going on?"

"He was too quiet," I say, my voice just above a whisper as I use my index and middle finger to pump air into my son's lungs, watching with horror as his lips begin to turn blue. "I hadn't heard him cry all night, and I hadn't fed him tonight either. And it was too quiet."

For a moment, there's only Tom's shocked silence and my own soft, rhythmic breathing as I press on Daniel's chest, a tiny chest that refuses to fill in its own. I bend down to softly blow into Daniel's mouth before leaning away to begin a another set of compressions.

"How long has he been like this?" Tom's baritone trembles when I shake my head, afraid to tell him that I honestly have no idea.

"We need to call an ambulance," I say so calmly, I almost trick myself into believing I'm anything but terrified. "Tom, go. Now."

But the world stills when Daniel suddenly coughs and opens his eyes, letting out a wail of fear and relief that his lungs are finally working with him. My eyes swim with tears before I lift Daniel from the carpeted floor of the nursery and bring him to my chest. His breathing is ragged and sounds too labored for my liking, and before I can tell Tom to get the car ready, he's already got my purse and his keys in his hands.

I cradle Daniel to my chest, rubbing circles in his back to soothe him, and soon enough, he's gurgling and settling into my arms.

"What the hell happened?" Tom asks as soon as we were both buckled into the car. I sit in the back of the new family-friendly SUV with Daniel's car seat, scared to take my eyes off of him for a single second. He's staring at me with a sleepy smile on his face, and my heart stutters when he winks like he knows exactly what has just happened.

"I'm so used to him crying at night. So, I got up to see if he was alright when I didn't hear him," I start, already triggered by a memory I know will haunt me the rest of my life. "He wasn't."

"And he was unconscious? Like that?" The drowsy tonnage of Tom's voice had been replaced with alarm and concern. "I know premature babies have it harder than others, but--"

"Nothing's wrong with him," I interrupt, unwilling to hear or think or entertain another negative thought tonight. Not after thinking I was going to have put my baby in the ground. "He's just having a rough start, Tom. In a few months, he'll have gained enough weight, and everything will be fine."

Tom's eyes find mine in the rear view mirror, and I can plainly see the fear and weariness there. "Kate, we were warned by the doctors. He came so early, darling."

"I hope to God you aren't about to blame me for that again," I spit, my hand tightening on Daniel's car seat handle.

"Again?" Tom balks before his eyes turned to the road, his voice a little more choked than before. "You know I would never blame you for that. Not in a million years, Kate."

"You don't remember," I told him with a small laugh laced with exhaustion and a surprising amount of bitterness. "It was one of the nights before we could take Daniel home, and we'd fought and you left, said you needed air when I knew all that meant was a drink at the closest bar. And sure enough, later that night, you came in, drunk off your ass."

Tom looks at me again in the mirror, his cheeks flushing crimson as the memory comes back to him.

"Daniel was sleeping and I'd fallen asleep in the rocking chair next to him, but you woke me up when you came in. But you must've thought I was still sleeping."

"Kate," Tom begs, but it's like I'm in a trance, looping his volatile, drunken words in my head.

"You said, 'I hope sleeping with that red-headed slut was worth it, darling. You must've been head over tits for Jess if you were this willing to tear apart our family because of her.' And when you looked at me the next morning, I knew you didn't remember."

"I was drunk, Kate." Tom says with a sigh as he pulls into the hospital parking lot. "I didn't mean any of it! I didn't even know what I was saying, and I can hardly remember it now."

"Well, I can," I told him softly, shrugging when he turned around to look at me. "I remember the guilt I felt, the anger at myself for being so weak. My anger with you for being right about me being weak."

"I wasn't right," Tom insists, but I've already started to unbuckle Daniel who is watching us with wide, curious eyes. "I was hurting, and I was tired, and you just happened to be in the line of fire.

With a huff, I ask him, "Can you honestly tell me you didn't mean a shred of what you said that night?"

I lift Daniel into my arms and he curls right up against my chest, his small fist gripping onto my shirt immediately. Tom looks from my face to his, and my heart sinks as he swallows.

"I could," He nods with a small, sad smile. "But it wouldn't be honest."

-

"Kate!"

I have to blink a few times before my eyes focus and I realize the UNICEF commercial is over and I've been staring up at a McDonald's advertisement for God knows how long. But hearing my name causes me to slowly turn my head towards the source, and I smile when I see Luke and Sophia hurrying over to me through the throng of people.

Luke gets to me first, his longer stride no match for Sofie, and I'm enveloped into the warmest of hugs as Luke crushes my face into his chest. Still a little dazed, it takes me a minute to process his affection before I return his embrace with equally crushing force.

"Careful, love," Luke wheezes when I squeeze him a little too hard. "Always surprised by how much truth you bring to the phrase 'tiny but mighty.'"

I laugh when I lean away from Luke to hug Sophie as well, glad to see them. "How are you guys?"

"We're alright," Soph smiles as she loops my arm through hers. Luke grabs my bags as we begin walking towards the escalator together. "But better than you, by the looks of it. You're ashen."

I swallow, looking back over my shoulder at the screen where the UNICEF commercial had been.

"Maybe I saw a ghost."

-

This has been basically finished for a while, but I didn't get it right until just now. So, hopefully that's alright. Thanks for reading, you guys! New update soon!