When it Rains and Rains

Chapter 9 - Ghost In The Machine

B.O.B – Ghost in the Machine

I was on my way home, back to the town were all my childhood memories exist and where all my dreams were shattered. I had just pasted the sign that welcomed everyone into the town. As I continued down the main road I felt all these memories of my life flood back to me; going to the library with grandma when mum and dad were fighting, just to get out of the house, having water fights at the local water slide park, trying to sneak into the local tavern with my friends, all the school parties I went to over the years, and making out with some of the few boyfriends I had behind the school’s main building and getting caught by the head master.

I kept driving all the streets. And then I came to the intersection that tore my life apart and shattered my heart. I pulled over and parked my car. I turned off the engine and undid my seat belt, but moved no further. I sat there and stared at the intersection. I sat there for a while. With no sound other than my steady breathing. I eventually gathered enough courage to get out of the car. I slowly opened the door and stepped out. I locked the car and slowly wandered over to the site.

When I got to the site I fell down on to my knees in front of it. I sat there and studied the white cross in front of me. The cross that indicated the very spot he died. I absentmindedly cleared away the dead flowers that had been left there and pulled out a few weeds that had grown at the base of the cross. I raised my left hand and ran my hands over the letters that had been carved into the delicate wood.

‘Jai Lewis Holt’

“Hi Jai.” I whispered. “How are things going up there? Hope you’re staying out of trouble and are still keeping my spot warm.” I said smiling as I thought of Jai’s happy face smiling back at me.

I shifted positions slightly before continuing.

“Everything is good here. Mum’s getting married soon. It’s that great?” I paused for a second, as if waiting for an answer, but none came.

“Jack and I broke up.” I said sadly. “I guess he won’t be able to keep your promise anymore.” I paused once again.

“Yeah he told me about that, how you asked him to watch over me, keep me safe, even before we started dating. I guess you always had so feelings for me after all hey.” I joked dejectedly.

“I really miss you Jai, I miss your smile, your smell, your lame dad jokes and your singing, the way you used to tease me, the way you fussed over your hair all the time, playing with it for ages before deciding its good enough, when it still looked the same as before. I miss the way you used to play with your sister and how you could always make me laugh.” I tried to fight back a tear. “I miss the way you held me, the way you kissed me, the way you looked at me, like I was the only one in the room. I even miss our fights.” I began to sob. “But most of all I miss you being around, I miss being able to talk to you about anything, how you always understood and gave me the best advice. I wish you were still here, to listen to all my problems and give me advice.” I was crying so much, my words were barely audible.

I looked down at the skin of my wrist that made peeped out of my sleeve. I looked over the ragged scars that now covered my once smooth skin. I would always have these scars there to me remind me of what happened here on that night five years ago.

“I should be the one that died that night, you should still be here living your life, making our dream come true. Not me. I’m only wasting what life I have left.” I paused while I tried to gather myself.

“I’m so sorry Jai. I’m so-“I stopped mid-sentence, trying to think past my hazing mind. “I don’t know what to do, please help me. Give me something, some sort of sign. Even though you know I don’t believe in them. I promise that I will believe in them right now. Please just give me something.”