Just Hoping For A Miracle

One.

        

         There are a limited amount of things that I believe in. I believe that many things (contrary to popular belief) are false, and that cliches are quite irritating. I believe that music is the most powerful thing ever created by humans, and, finally, I believe in Logan Pierce. 

Not only is Logan the best person that I know, he is the best person that anyone knows, because he just so happens to be the one human being closest to perfection. Between his band, and his attitude about life and his passion and his dedication -and do not even get me started on his gorgeous brown colored eyes or his "edgy" hair style. Logan is just the best person ever. And I'm not just saying that because I have loved that flawless boy, ever since we met years and years ago. I'm saying it because it is the truth. Logan is so wonderful that, try as I might, I cannot explain with any words in any language that anyone on this planet could comprehend, just how wonderful he actually is. 

 And the best part is that he does not know how wonderful he is. I mean he knows that he's attractive, but he is consciously unaware of his small step needed to finally reach perfection. He knows that he is cool, but only everyone else sees how amazing he really is.

He acts like he knows how amazing he is, he pretends to unconditionally love himself. But I know the truth. I know that he doubts himself sometimes. I know that he pretends most of the time to be 100% confident in everything that he does. And don't worry, I'm not like some creepy stalker person. We're friends; best friends. And he's told me all of this multiple times. Especially because we've been so close for so long. We've been best friends for a long time. Longer than children attend elementary school.

        We met in second grade, I think it was. And as seven year old's, we didn't really think about our surroundings, only candy and what we wanted for Christmas this year, so it was not uncommon for a clumsy child like myself to trip over things. Even things that were not there, or my own feet. This was a problem, especially when I had to walk down multiple flights of stairs. Luckily, this one time, someone caught me before I fell flat on my little girl ass. And that person was Logan. And he asked me if I was okay, and I nodded in response, and then we carried on with our lives. We didn't  really give two shits about the other person, we just carried on with our lives, going back to thinking about candy and our ever growing Christmas Lists. 

But then a few days later, we saw one another again and we spoke again. This time I wasn't almost falling down the stairs, in fact, there were no stairs involved this time. We just had to walk down the hallway to our school's "Talented And Gifted" (TAG) program. And from that TAG meeting, the first one of the year, we became unspoken rivals, trying to prove ourselves as the more "talented and gifted" one of the two naive children. But somewhere along the line, in between our head-to-head battles, trying to see who could score higher on a given test, we got closer.

And then, like magic, we became best friends. And not long after, I fell (ugh, a cliche) head over heels in love with my best friend. But the one thing that made this situation unique, keeping it seperate and different from all of the over "I've fallen in love with my best friend" stories, that happen more in books and in real life than you might think, was the fact that we were both nine years old and love was an unknown concept that I had just to even begin understanding. I wasn't even sure, back then, if love was really real. Before all of this, I had believed that "love" was just something that lonely directors created to sell tickets to bad movies, or that it was something to trick people into thinking that something our there, somewhere, has the power to make real life less horrible, to make the sad into happy, when nothing else could. But then, once I realized that I was in love, I also realized that love was a real thing. It was not made up by lonely directors, it's manipulated to sell tickets to mediocre movies. I realized that love was the most real thing out there. And I have learned a lot since then, now I know with everything in my soul, that I am completely in love with him, even though it is inconvenient. 

        See that will be a flaw of mine forever. It’s a part of my baggage. Some people have to live with diseases or deep, dark, creepy stories of their screwed up childhood, but me? I have to live with this. And I know that many people in this world have it a lot worse than I do, I guess I got the luck of the draw, in some ways. But in others, I got the worst one, diseases can be cured, and all of our childhoods are in the past, the ones good and the bad ones, but I have to deal with this forever. Because this is a lose/lose/win situation. We could carry on as friends forever because I never told him the truth, lose. I could tell him the truth and have him freak out and then lose him, literally, lose. And finally, I could tell him and have him feel the same, win. But that’s my only shot at winning. And I’m too terrified by just the mere thought of losing him, to take the risk of losing him. Because this ‘lose’ is a lot better than the other ‘lose’. This is the neutral zone, where all the cowards hide. And right now, I’m making the Cowardly Lion look like a self-confident asshole.

        So that's my life story, some people a screwed up family life and some sob-story about their past and present, but this is all I have. The rest of my life is normal and mostly drama free. 90% of the time, the only thing that creates drama in my life is this situation

And Logan creates drama in my life without even realizing that he's doing it. Maybe he takes some slutty cheerleader out for dinner and a movie, or he glances at me more times than the normal 3-5 times in Mr. Lopez's Spanish class. He has been unintentionally starting shit in my life for so long Like when he started dating Becca Martinez in the eighth grade, I cried every day for a week, and spent my free time over the course of their 2 1/2 week relationship, A.) watching Nicholas Sparks movies and eating ice cream, B.) listening to a playlist I made of songs that reminded me of him, or C.) sleeping, because it was the only thing that I could do where nothing would remind me of him. 

And there have been my incidences like that one, like the dance in 9th grade, or when I caught him making out with "friend" Brooke Miller, who just so happened to be one of the only three people in  the entire universe to know about my feelings for Logan. It had just been Brooke, Blake, and I. 

There have been many times when Logan made me feel like shit about myself, and there have been many times when I've forgiven him, even when I probably shouldn't have, and  it's because of my feelings towards him. But that means that these feelings have saved my friendship with him, a lot more times that they could have made me lose it.