Damaged

Meaghan

Four

I sat by my friend as he shivered from the pain that was still affecting him. My mother had done her best and soon the pain killers she gave him would kick in and he would pass out. I put an extra blanket over him as he started fading to sleep. I brushed back his hair as I got up from the bed.

Jack was sound asleep when I left him in my room and walked back out to the kitchen where my mother was cleaning up the mess that was left behind. I couldn't believe Jack had gone through all this for me and Daniel. I felt guilty seeing him lay there in pain and it made me want to live my life differently.

I had been ready to be open for a while now. I had held myself back for Dan. He was worried about his family. He already had to hide the fact that he was still seeing his grandmother and I wasn't sure if he could survive losing his dads and his brother. We had discussed going public with our relationship and Dan had always said it wasn't time yet.

Seeing Jack in pain made me realize I no longer wanted to hold myself back. I wanted to be able to walk down the street holding Dan's hand. I wanted to kiss him under mistletoe. I wanted to be able to cuddle in a movie theatre and lean into him when a movie gets scary. To look up into his eyes and not be afraid of who saw us.

I was in love but I wanted more than a cabin in the woods. I deserved more than that. Even if I held back my feelings for Dan's sake at some point I needed him to be more for me. I could keep dark for a little bit longer for him. I loved him that much.

What he didn't know was that I had shared our secret with my best friend Jessica. It wasn't really sharing since she just looked at me one day and said she knew. I tried to play stupid but there was no hiding it from her. She said best friends could just tell these things. I tried to be more discreet around Dan since then but it was nice having someone to talk to and complain to when Dan did something stupid.

I never realized how depressing it was before I was open with Jess. Like Jack she accepted who I was right away without questions. I mean of course she had questions but not about who I was. She wanted to know what it was like kissing a guy. Was it different then kissing a girl.

I had no answer for that. Dan had been the only person I have ever kissed. I knew I was different from an early age. I read about the occurrences when I was growing up. I had always been in love with science and I would get these magazines with the latest advancements. I remember when I was ten there was an article talking about mistakes in science. One of the so called mistakes was the emergence of the straight gene in the modern world. For so long everyone had been gay and now heterosexuals were being found out and about. Studies were being done to find a cure to stop these genes from developing but so far nothing has been found. Some scientists even felt that it wasn't something that could be cured or stopped. We are who we are they would say, science be damned. Those were the radical thinkers who must did not take seriously but they were the ones I loved to read the most. The ones that thought outside the box.

Jess also loved science which is way we became friends when I moved here. We have only grown closer over the years and I have helped her through her many breakups while she helped me through whatever bullshit Dan was pulling. Dan had Jake and I had Jess.

I knew that one day I would need to let Dan know about my secrets and I hoped he would understand. I had always accepted his issues and his need to have Jake in his life. Not that I didn't love Jake as a friend but when we were together I often felt like the third wheel to their inside jokes and years of friendship. Jess was the escape I needed. The female companionship on days that didn't go my way. Not that there were a lot of those days but like any normal couple fights happen and everyone needs a girlfriend to let loose with.