Damaged

Meaghan

Twelve

In my dream Dan is kissing me except it's not the same as before. His lips are softer and the hands that are caressing my face are familiar but are not his. He's kissing me with a need and a want that seems so strange. Like if he doesn't kiss me now he may never get the chance. I start to kiss back as my eyes open to see Jess kissing me.

She must be dreaming but when I pull away I can tell she is awake. There is a sadness in her face. We stare into each other's eyes for a few seconds before I rush out of bed needing to get to away.

I am gathering all my stuff when I feel Jess grab my hand and turn me around to look at her. It's been a long time since I've seen her look this sad.

"I can't do this Meg." I look at her puzzled not sure where this is going. "I know we've been friends for a long time but now the thing with Dan is real."

"It's always been real."

"Yes but only real in the cabin in the woods"

It finally hits me. For the first time I see the way Jess is looking at me. How she enjoys taking walks after work. We always joked that she was my beard but now I see that she wanted more than to pretend we were a couple. She wanted me and her to be together.

I always told her I world give her anything but this was outside my power. I couldn't make myself love her like that. Looking at her I really just wanted to run away before her pain crushed me.

"I'm so sorry Jess. I never meant to ..." I didn't know how to continue thinking. I was speechless. Jess just kept staring into my eyes with such intensity that I thought I was melting. She has such beautiful eyes. I was still staring when she kissed me knocking all thoughts out of my head.

I pulled away only to have her pulling me back into her embrace kissing me with all her emotion and will. Finally she broke the spell and stepped away.

I fell back onto her couch not knowing what to say. It wasn't that it was a bad kiss. She just wasn't Dan and I couldn't change who I was any more then she could change who she was.

I thought about getting up and just leaving before stopping myself. I had to deal with this now. I may not see Jess in that way but see was still my best friend and I wasn't about to let that slip away. Maybe I was being selfish but I had to try to keep her.

I turned back to talk to her. She was sitting at the table with her face in her hands. I walked over and tried lifting her face so I could look at her.

"Can we just sit and talk about all this." She looked at me with such pain.

"Why? What is there to say Meaghan?" The use of my full name hit me like a speeding car. How could this have gotten so messed up so fast? Why didn't I see it before? Was I so blind and self-absorbed in my own life that I failed to see my best friend? It all made sense now. How she never went on dates or tried to find someone for herself.

I was someone for her but I could never be that person. By telling her I was ready to push Dan to be open I was inadvertently crushing any chance she saw for us.

"I'm sorry Jess." There wasn't much more I could say. I took her hand in mine and she let me drag her into a hug. There was so much unsaid and I didn't know how to continue the conversation without losing her.

"This is on me Meg. I built you up in my mind and I let myself dream that we could someday be more."

"I should have seen what was happening before now." I couldn't let her take all the blame for this mess. I sat there helplessly as she broke the hug and I could see her leaving me. This wasn't happening right now. I jumped up and tried to hold unto what we had.