Learning To Let Go

The Leaving

A few months later I learned something that broke my heart again. He would spend a lot of time around this girl, Faye, and all my suspicions were confirmed when I saw a Snapchat video of his friend Isaac stating, 'the way he looks at Faye.'

I cried myself to sleep that night and everything hurt and I was so devastated. A few months prior he told me that he wasn't ready for any type of relationship because he was scared of being in one. I was angry and hurt at the same time.

I am so tired of being left on the sidelines. For the longest time, I have always put him first before anything, and sometimes my own happiness.

To confirm my suspicions, I asked him, 'How come you never told me?'

He answered, 'It just happened yesterday.'

I felt angry because he never told me that he was interested in someone. But I guess we weren't that close anymore. I am just tired of all of this.

When I was able to comprehend the news a few days later. I told him, 'As much as it hurts me to say this I'm happy for you.'

I messaged him the next day, 'I'm tired of all this.' Then I messaged him again, 'You are my best friend, but am I yours?' Once again I messaged him, 'Were we ever friends in the first place.'

I tried once again the next morning, 'Great communication.'

He finally replied, 'Sorry my dumb ass keeps forgetting to text back, thank you and yes we are. You are my best friend, it's just some people don't understand you, if they just don't want to put in the time.'

I replied, 'Hope she's worth it.'

He said, 'I rather lose her than you that is all I got to say.'

I answered back, 'You are already losing me and you don't even realize it.'

When he told me that he would rather lose her than me, I have thought about giving him a choice either me or Faye. But I never told him because I have a feeling if it ever came down to that he would choose her because he is a really nice guy and all I ever will be to him is a friend and nothing more. He will never see me like he does her and I have accepted that, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. Everything went downhill from here and it wasn't getting better.

A few months past and I was getting fed up with him not talking to me anymore.

I sent him so many messages saying that we need to talk.

'Can you tell me the truth; do you honestly want to talk to me?'

'Are you done?'

'10 messages and 9 calls.'

'If you are done then just tell me don't fucking ignore me.'

He finally replied, 'I'm done.'

I said, 'You finally said it, after 3 ½ years of friendship.'

He answered back, 'Yeah that's nice.'

I wasn't actually that heartbroken because for a long time I felt him slipping away and for the first time all year I felt free, but I still loved him.