I'm not alone

Chapter Five

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Chapter Five

-I didn't speak to Lola the next day , nor the following one and beyond.At first , her eyes were looking for an expanation but now when our eyes accidentally encounter , there's only annoyance. I know , she is upset with me , and she has every right to feel like that,maybe she's even dissapointed . Now I couldn't read her icy eyes anymore. She had no idea how I wanted to hug her, to apologise and explain everything, but I just couldn't. She was the only real friend I've ever had. Was now she's not anymore. And I know that I will lose her forever if I didn't try to talk to her , but everyday that passes I feel more gulty , the more difficult it becomes.

I finally started to feel better, I'm back to my rhythm of life, planned hours over books. I'm not ready for another seizure, for any other distraction.

How would she react if I told her everything?Would she leave, like everyone has done, or would stand by my side? I didn't know but I was sure she wouldn't look at me like before. More than anything else I needed to feel accepted, normal.I was  tired of being different ,tired of the fingers that were directed towards me and whispers from my ex friends. And university was my restarting, it was a new chapter, a new book. I would be the only one to know about my past , I wouldn't open that door of suffering for anyone.

It was too hard to live with a huge secret like that ,it was difficult to act like everything was just fine when in fact nothing was, and never would be.And with every day that passed, every day the weight of my secrets got heavier on my shoulders.

How many more times did I have to fall, how many times did I have to run before my suffering would grasp me again? I tried to save myself but nobody can hide the truth.

I could hide my pain form the others ,but not from myself , it was always there , I couldn't forget.

"Clara, can I sit?"-Lola stood in front of my waiting for my claim to sit beside me, on the staires of the faculty, waiting for beggining of the following class. No answer, but I just took my purse to make her more space to sit. She sat , she didn't speak, didn't thank me, but I could feel her gaze on me, wanting the truth.

"You could talk to me , you know?All these days."

"I know"

"Only that?"- apologise, ask for forgiveness, a part of me yelled.

"Yes"

"All these days, I was wondering what had happened to you, why were you upset , how could I help you."

"Nothing.Nothing happened."

"It doesn't seem like nothing."

"Please."

"I know now,. Maybe this is just your way of push me away , to tell me that our friendship is over."

"Don't say that."Her words hurt me more than a thousand knives stabbing my soul.Her friendship was everything to me , it was my salvation, my escape,it was that extended hand, the hand that took me away from that vortex of darkness.

"You could have apologised. Maybe it was my fault  too, I should have stayed beside you, maybe I wasn't being a good friend, but Clara I deserved an expanation... " -I was speechless now.She was right . But if I told her ... I didn't want to think about it .  I felt tears in my eyes, ready to burst , I didn't want her to see me like that. I was Clara, a strict ,contained, smiling girl.I was that girl.I wasn't boring and I wasn't depressive.And before my body and my own emotiones betrayed me , I grabbed my purse and ran away, I went down the stairs, and just when I was away from the curious voices that were asking me if I was okay , I stopped and started breathing, and broke into an opress that was very strong to hold inside.

--

My eyes were burning from all the tears and I couldn't breath properly.For a moment there was only me and my suffocating gloom, I forgot the people around me ,their eyes on me , I forgot that I had to hold myself , I fordot I had to save the image of the intagible girl I had created.

A tightening in my arm , a pull and finally I opened my eyes to the reality thet was sorrounding me. Many people who were whispering to each other were looking towards me. Maybe some of them from now on would point towards me ,towards the crazy girl.

I wasn't like them.I wasn't just e girl tired and stressed from school, no, I was more, and the fact that I was trying to hide wouldn't make me like them. I was different.

"What are you doing?"-I asked the guy who was pulling me, trying to push him.

"I'm escaping you.You can thank me later."- Roel.Why should he be everywhere? One day I didn't know that he existed and now I couldn't save myself from his presence.

"I'm fine.Leave me alone."-he stopped pulling me in an empty hallway toward an empty classroom ,but his hand never left my arm.

"You were crying, and you weren't looking good."

"Well I am fine, and it's nothing."

"If you'd seen yourself as I saw you ,and all those other people, you would know very well that there was something."

"And why are you pulling."- Why didn't he just stop like all the others and be a spectator of the show named Clara?

"I couldn't just leave you there. I don't know."-And with a fast move he came near me, so near that I could feel his rapid breathing in my face. Blame hormones, neurotransmitters,autonomic nervous system signals but for a moment my heart began to beat faster. Noone before had dared to stand that close to me, all of them stayed away because of my cold behavior . But as much as I pushed Roel away, he tended to aproach me.

"Thank you."-I whispered without thinking long.

"Wow , a sweet word comming from you. I didn't believe I would live to experience this."-And he smiled , a sweet smile , not that flirtatious smile that I saw the other times. I smiled too,  weakly, but I was grateful that he had saved me from that vortex of tears I was dieing. 

"You can leave me now."-I remembered him , but as if he didn't hear me , with his free hand , with a movement full of sublety he wiped the tears from my face and than slowly caressed it before he stepped away as if nothing happened.

"You promise me you'll be okay?"-I nodded .There was nothing more to say so I took a step, and he did the same thing, and after he gave me another warm smile , he left leaving me alone. This time he understood , he understood my wish to be alone and I'm truly grateful.

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A sweet moment after a sad one ,yaa .I think I'm falling for Roel lol.

Love and hugs x Era