withered || jikook [discontinued]

ten.

♢♢♢

I am more of a day person but I have to admit that walking during the night is calming. I enjoy taking walks back home during this time of the day because of how serene and tranquil it is.

But tonight, it felt like all of those peacefulness was thrown into a trash can as I walked beside the man who broke my heart two years ago,

The very same man who would hold my hands whenever he could,

The very same man who would tell me 'I love you' every single day,

The very same man who would kiss me as if I'm his oxygen, his fuel to live,

The very same man who still has my heart it in his hands until today without him even knowing.

It pained me seeing how unbothered he was while I, on the other hand, was suffering miserably as everything felt like how it was two years ago.

Two years ago, I witnessed my whole world crumble just from a few words. I witnessed how the colorful world became dull and lost its vibrant colors. I witnessed how Park Jimin, a man who was bubbly and cheerful, turn into someone who hides behind a mask every single day to fool everyone to think that he's happy. I witnessed how Park Jimin lost his beliefs of ever finding love again, lost his faith, and most importantly, his will to live.

As two years passed, I learned to cope with my feelings. I learned to glue back the shattered pieces of my heart. I learned to let some people in and trust them to talk about my bottled feelings. I learned to grow my will to live again, my hope, everything.

But all that effort was burnt into ashes after meeting him again.

I thought that after all these years, he wouldn't affect me any longer. That he wouldn't make me feel pain. That he wouldn't make me lose myself again. That he would no longer be anyone but a stranger.

Yet all those were just lies I made to ensure myself that I was fine. That I was okay. That everything will be peachy by the time I met him again.

Boy, was I wrong.

Because I have never seen the world crumble down so quickly in my entire lifetime.

---

"Alright hyung, give me a few minutes to get even packed," the younger said as he ran into his shared apartment with his boyfriend.

I merely nodded and waited outside his door, checking my phone to prevent me from glancing at his home with Taehyung.

I wasn't surprised to see a spam of messages from Yoongi hyung who was probably so close to murdering me after I told him that I agreed to have Jungkook stay with me for the night.

I quickly typed a brief message telling him not to worry as Jungkook finally came out with his bag.

I shoved my phone into my pocket and forced a small smile, "ready to go?"

"Of course," he grinned back, leading the way out of the building.

Once outside, we immediately headed back to my place as it was getting late. And if I were to stay any longer outside with Yoongi hyung knowing, I would probably be burried inside a coffin deep in the ground the next time I woke up.

I didn't bother talking to the person walking behind me and didn't bother to look at him as well. I didn't care when he called my name and decided to ignore him.

"Hyung, walk slower please! We're not being chased by anything!"

If only he knew that insanity was right behind my back and that I was trying my best to keep myself together.

I laughed forcefully as I slowed down, not caring that it DID sound very forced, "sorry, I just want to be home quickly. I'm tired."

He eventually caught up but was pouting, "yah hyung but you could've gone slower! I may be fit and all that but walking in this speed while being sleepy isn't easy!"

I get that he was trying to light up the mood but at that point I was too tired to even laugh. Too tired to keep the mask on. Too tired to deal with his shit.

So I didn't.

And oh boy did he start frowning.

He didn't say anything after that, and we walked in silence. A rather awkward silence, that is. Him no longer radiating his happiness like before.

But I could barely give any fucks on how he felt. I could barely give any shit about his feelings when it was as if a knife was being plunged into my chest.

But a twinge in my heart says otherwise. That I felt bad for making him sad. That I wanted to apologize to him.

But I chose to ignore it.

---

"You take the bed, I'll sleep on the couch," I mumbled tiredly as I dropped my stuff on the chair. Jungkook noticeably frowned, "but hyung, you need to re-"

"Just take the bed, Kook. It's fine. I don't have work tomorrow and class doesn't even start until 2. So take the bed."

He was about to argue when I started having a coughing fit, a really terrible one.

Tears welled up in my eyes as the searing pain worsen, my throat starting to hurt as well from how bad the coughs were.

It was as if I became deaf and numb to anything but the pain. It hurts so badly but it wouldn't stop.

I didn't even realize that by now, I was on my knees coughing my lungs out as Jungkook rubbed my back, his other hand holding me to prevent me from falling.

When the fit passed, I felt so weak that I couldn't make out his voice. I could only see blur, not even feeling that I was being carried to the bed.

I was panting heavily, filling my lungs with oxygen as if I had just ran a marathon. I didn't even notice I was crying until I felt a thumb wiping my tears away. I didn't even notice I was whimpering from the pain until I felt a warm hand stroking my hair and a voice comforting me.

At that moment, I ignored everything and leaned into his warmth. It was wrong, and it hurts a lot. But as much as torturous and ironic it is, his warmth was the only thing keeping me from breaking down again, keeping me from cutting my life again.

He was still the one keeping me together, although at the same time, the one who made me into who I am today.

Park Jimin, who no longer knew how to love himself.

♢♢♢

//aye feeling pretty productive tonight so 2 updates in a day uwu