Dear you,
How are you, love? I'm not supposed to call you 'love' because you were never mine in the first place. I suddenly remember you today. It's 7th of May - the date when you confessed your love to me.
It's been five years since our last conversation and four years since you told me I mean the world to you.
It's all still vivid in my memory. I wore my favorite yellow dress that day and you were wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. We were laughing, and talking about random stuff until you told me about having someone you like for a long time. My chest hurt, I bet you didn't notice. I like you so much it hurt hearing how she made you smile infront of your phone; how you love it when she squints her eyes every time you annoy her; how she made you giddy even the simplest thing she does. You were clearly in love with her.
You told me you've been friends for a long time and fell in love with her. You told me that you also hope she feels the same way too. I remember holding back my tears that day, and I thought you wouldn't notice. You asked me what was wrong. I just faked a smile and tried to get away. I couldn't contain my emotion anymore and I was afraid I would blurt my feelings out if I stayed, so I got up and just before I left, you grabbed my hand.
"Hey, where are you going? Are you okay?" You asked.
I didn't answer. The tears that I was holding back suddenly fell, and you panicked.
You cupped my cheeks, and wiped my tears. I confessed my feelings. I told you that I like you, not just as a friend.
You hugged me. Kissed me on the forehead and said, "Silly, you're the girl in my stories".
I was the happiest. The butterflies in my stomach turned into dragons. That's how giddy I was that day.
I liked you so much it hurt. I fell in love with the kindness of your heart, your principles, your silliness, your imperfections, your ideas, your sense of humor, your optimism. I fell because your craziness matches mine. You were so good to me, and I didn't realize that I was extremely falling in love day by day. It's the little things you do that made me fall a little harder.
Yes, I fell harder.
Summer of 2014 was the best summer of my life because I met you. We talked everyday. We never ran out of conversation. We always had something to talk about. Always.
I still remember every single detail. How hard we laughed at the corniest and most havey jokes we've cracked. I also remember how carefree you were. You used to sing me songs at the same time make fun of your voice. You were embarassed by it, but I always thought you were the cutest when you're shy. I also remember you always tease me by showering me with too many I love yous because you know too well that it would make me cringe. I remember how you made the dragons in my stomach flutter everytime you quip about how you feel about me.
I remember I was at my happiest state when I was with you. You felt it too, right? Then why did you just shut me out? We were happy. We were a good team.
I loved you, but you've made me feel worthless. I just woke up one day that you are gone. You're gone without even saying goodbye.
I know I have hurt you, but you've hurt me more. No, you didn't just break my heart. You broke my soul. I wanted you to choose us. I wanted you to take risk because goddammit I was willing to risk it all for you. Just for you.
I wanted you to fight for us, but you didn't. You didn't even try. We both know ours was worth the fight but you chose to break my heart, on my fucking birthday. You are so cruel.
As I think about you today I suddenly feel the brokenness you've caused me. How I struggled so damn hard to forget everything. How what ifs almost took my sanity. How I tried so hard to act normal upfront and cried silently at night with my wet pillow as my only company.
I was not hurt. I was crushed.
I struggled so hard to get over you. It took me years to finally able to say that I am done. I have moved on.
I am now okay. More than okay, actually. I guess not all soulmates are meant to be together because if it is, why are you not here today?
I will be over you soon, but always remember, this girl will never regret you.
I will always love you.
Goodbye, my almost lover
Love,
Kaye
