So Many Agoes

Chapter 17

Early September 1969

Summer went by all too quickly, I had stayed home after Thomas' deployment to hopefully make family feel like family again. I hadn't sent many letters to Emilienne, though she told me all about her internship and the interview that got her the position. I was happy for her, but only wrote back once explaining my lack of response. She understood thankfully, but her letters became sparse as time went on. We'd even called once or twice but the conversation was so dry that we returned to our lack of letter communication.

My parents and I coexisted in our house throughout the summer, but there was a dark cloud looming over each of us. It may seem over exaggerated now, but then, Thomas was the last person we'd expect to be worrying about. He was always happy, go with the flow, crystal clear charisma that people loved.

The three of us barely spoke. Until about a week before I returned to New York; all emotions came ripping out of all three of us in every way possible. We stayed up all night that night, finally talking, crying and eventually, we all fell asleep in the living room. It wasn't the summer I was expecting, but it created a much stronger. bond between myself and my parents. We knew we needed to support each other, and be ready to support Thomas when he returned home.

    When I returned to school, Emilienne and I reunited passionately. We met at a diner called Stan's Cafe, it was the closest thing we could find to Jimmy's in Milcreek.

    Emilienne had many things to talk about, how the cold office she interned for gave her a tiny office with coffee stains on the desk and no doubt water drenched asbestos ceilings. She rambled about how most staff members there didn't listen to a word she said, but her cheerful greetings every afternoon were returned in the form of potted plants on desks and a growing amount of "color" in the office.

     I had listened half-intensely, with the better half of my brain submerged in an ocean of anxiety and frustration. Emilienne had picked up on my lack of enthusiasm immediately, but didn't mention it until my French roast coffee and blueberry scone had been on the plate in front of me untouched for thirty minutes.

"James, are you okay?" She had stopped mid sentence, to ask me that question that I didn't know the answer to.

"I'm fine I guess,"

"Why, you don't look fine,"

I shrugged,

"Talk to me, James, please."

I rubbed my eyes and sighed,

"It hurts, you know? My kid brother is fighting a war he doesn't even agree with,"

"I know love, I'm sorry this is happening."

Emilienne clasped our hands together and kissed my knuckles,

"Thomas doesn't deserve this, but he'll get through it. You will get though it."

"I hope so, but I'm not convinced."

"I know. Let's go back to my dorm and relax."

We both stand and I collect my scone so it doesn't go to waste.

    The walk back to Emilienne's dorm was quiet and thoughtful. Campus was bustling with students returning from summer break, which only exacerbated the September heat. Birds chirped in the trees above and a light breeze rustled the leaves. The usual cacophony of sirens and car horns travelled from just a couple blocks over.

Emilienne's dorm was thankfully quiet, shielded from major streets by the park and trees. She snuck me in using the fire escape, as usual and we both sunk into her bed where I promptly began crying. Emilienne held me tightly and ran her fingers through my hair,

"I can't say that it'll all be okay, but know that I will always be right here beside you. No matter what. I love you."

    I whispered a soft "I love you" back before we both settled into silence. Tears slipped down my face every once in a while as I tried to grapple with the difficult circumstances my family was dealing with. Emilienne's hand absentmindedly ran over my back, pulling me back into some level of comfort. She kissed me softly and let the mood shift- likely to try and provide a distraction.

    Emilienne and I shared a lot of emotional intimacy, and after I transferred to her college, it became physical as well. The first few times weren't easy. Emilienne had very real trauma to work through; but she was more determined to overcome it than I was. She was grateful that the last person to touch her was no longer Gregory. She was grateful that she could be in complete control. The more times we had sex, the better it got and the closer we became.

    Emilienne was a completely different person when we had sex, especially at first. She was shy and her instinct was to shield herself, but once glance at her and it was impossible to look away. As we both grew and the trauma she had endured faded, she began taking control more, initiating more often and expressing her desires. It was incredibly easy to listen to everything she wanted. Pleasing her was the only thing I ever wanted in life. Before we knew it, sex had become a regular part of our week and it was something we looked forward to.

    While premarital sex was still fairly taboo in our society, our coming of age was just in time for the sexual freedom movement that the seventies brought. It was heartwarming to see something so natural finally being normalized. As people, we deserve to express love however we see fit, no one should put anyone else in a box determining what they can and cannot do; how they can or cannot love.

    Emilienne and I's bond was made so much stronger because of our decision to be intimate, and we both benefited greatly from our love for one another.

After the much needed distraction, Emilienne laid in my arms. Her fingers coiled around my hair, lightly twisting. I could tell she was beginning to drift off to sleep. My thoughts wandered to Thomas, what he was experiencing, if he was okay, what his thoughts were. I knew moving forward would be difficult, and I had no idea how I would handle it. I felt as though a hole had been ripped in my chest and I could only hope that it would be filled again.