Flights

Eight

I sat in the back yard which looked out onto the perfectly ordered streets of Chino Hills and sipped a cup of water as I took some painkillers to numb my throbbing head. I could hear someone behind me approaching but I was scared to know who. I hoped it was Jack - I hoped he'd make the first move to apologise for once.

"Hey" It was Cam. I saw his legs appear next to me as he crouched down and sat next to me. He looked at me whilst I stared forward. 

"Hey Cam" I said, sounding more forlorn than intended.

"Not happy to see me?" He asked and smiled at me.

I turned to him and pushed him gently. "Don't be stupid." I forced.

I was in no mood to hear what he had to say because I knew it would only make it more poignant how distant Jack can be sometimes.

I finally gave into Cameron after a while and we talked it out. Cameron had always been the one to come to the rescue no matter what. Sometimes he'd be there when Jack wasn't but I always let it go because I knew it was only because he had known me just a little bit better. Cameron knew everything about me; not just my favourite things or the place I go when I'm sad. Cameron really knew me, he knew exactly how I'd react to everything that life threw at me, he knew exactly how he'd be able to cheer me up afterwards. He always made it so clear how willing he'd be to protect me, and to never let me get hurt. Not once had we ever fought as strongly as Jack and I did. 

Cameron had spent our talk giving me reasons why I should get through this argument with Jack but it only made me reflect on all our previous arguments. Cameron was always the one I ran to, and the arguments were getting more constant - the fans were getting more threatening, new people were coming into our lives. It just didn't feel right anymore. The Jacks were travelling more and were planning on going on a world tour. They'd be gone so long and it was only the beginning. I needed to end it with Jack for both our sakes and it killed me to think about it. 

"Jack.." We were sitting in his car waiting at a red light. 

The drive had been silent up till that point and we were only five minutes away from his house. He didn't say anything, I felt like it was because he had started thinking the same as me. 

"Jack pull over.." I demanded as we made a turn into a small road. 

He obeyed and pulled the car over and turned the engine off. As the motor hushed, he looked down, still firmly grasping the steering wheel. It felt like an eternity before the silence was broken - the silence was piercing through my eardrum and making me dizzy. So I spoke.

"Jack, I know you're upset about something..." I began "Maybe it's the same thing as me but-"

"Hayley, I don't think you quite comprehend how much I love you." He said turning to me and letting go of the wheel. "I am in love with you. I have been since day one and you damn well know that." 

I lowered my head as he continued. "It's been you since day one and I never thought that my fans would ever get in the way of that. I never thought we'd have to deal with these kinds of messages - our privacy constantly getting invaded. I never wanted any of this."

He looked back out the front windshield. "But I've learnt to live with it." He explained. "They're my fans, and I need you to know that I love them, but I will never love them the way I love you. But if you can't seem to handle them.."

My head jolted up as if it were a reflex. "Can't handle them?" I spat out. "Jack. They tell me to kill myself. They send me death threats. These aren't little kids telling me that I'm ugly or fat - which they DO by the way. They're telling me to end my life. It affects me and I am sure as hell allowed to be bothered by that."

He didn't speak. "Look at us, Jack. Every time we argue what happens?" I asked - no response. "What happens Jack, just answer the question." 

"Okay, I get it" He said, beginning to raise his voice. "You hate that I get high whenever something goes wrong; you confide in Cameron on everything when you can't say it to me. And yeah maybe sometimes I find it easier to just find another g-" He stopped abruptedly and wiped his mouth quickly.

"Another.." I didn't want to say it: "girl." 

He turned to me with the biggest look of sorrow in his eyes. "Hayley I'm s-"

I turned and opened the door before swiftly exiting. My house was a three mile walk away but I didn't care. I took my heels off and held them as I ran as far away as possible. I didn't want my mother picking me up, I didn't want to turn back just to run to Cameron as usual, I didn't want to need anyone anymore. 

All that time Jack had invested in me and he was taking advantage of it for god knows how long. But of course - how could I be so god damn stupid? I kept mentally slapping myself. My fault, my fault. It was all my fault that he cheated on me with however many other girls. It was my fault, I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve him. I pushed him away, I never let him show me how much he could change, so he didn't. I ruined him and I ruined myself. I had taken advantage of him and everyone around me. I was a monster that seemed to crave attention. That's all I was. A monster. I made Jack hurt me, I made him want to choose another girl.. Another ten girls, a hundred - who the hell knew? I couldn't live with myself thinking that I had made him feel as though he needed someone shiny and new, some replacement because I wasn't good enough. I let him down and so I was punished for it. I deserved the pain that was swallowing me whole and the cuts on my feet from every shard of glass I'd step on when dodging puddles. I deserved the twang of sharp pain bursting up and down my spine. I deserved every last bit of what I was feeling because it was all my fault.

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Okay so that last part - that may be how she feels after she has just found out that she's been cheated on; that may be how girls in general feel when they find out they've been cheated on but let me make it very very clear: you should not be feeling like that. At all. EVER. If a guy is such a douchecanoe that he can't even tell you straight up that he's not satisfied anymore, but instead - finds satisfaction in some thirsty hoe behind your back as the easy way out, you should not be feeling like it's your fault in the slightest. It isn't - and never ever will be your fault.This also goes for any guys that get cheated on too. Y'all don't need a lowlife like that in your life anyway and you will always 100% find better than a cheater. So just saying this so that you know that, for now - what Hayley is feeling is not at all what anyone should ever feel like in her position.