Flights

Nine

It had been a week and I hadn't left my room for anything apart from the essentials. My mother knew not to disturb me; she accepted that I needed time alone. Until there was a knock on my door. Honestly, I still wasn't ready, not even for my own mother. Jack and I had spent nearly a year constantly together. We did everything together, I had forgotten how to breathe without his air around me. I hated leaving my room because the minute I'd come back in, Jack's scent from my clothes hanging around everywhere would remind me of him, so instead; I stayed in my bed and got used to the smell so that it would go unnoticed. 

"Hayley.." My mom seemingly reluctantly opened my door and edged in. "This arrived today..." 

I looked over as she she moved her arms from behind her back to reveal a single iris with a note. Tears started welling up in my - already swollen and stinging - eyes and I turned away. 

"I don't want it." I said dismissively, hoping she'd leave. But she didn't. Instead she sat down at the end of my bed that I was lying on and started speaking. In all honesty I had missed hearing someone's voice. Over the course of the week I had replayed my voicemail answering machine where I could hear Jack saying his name next to mine and it would remind me of Distance and the feelings behind every little thing he ever said to me. 

"Cameron came over twice this week to see if you were ready to talk." 

I covered my head with my blanket as I started to cry more prominently. I could feel my mom edging over until she was trying to pull the covers off. 

"Sweetie, I know it hurts. I know you wish you didn't feel like this, and I know what Jack did was beyond forgiveness... For now. But Cameron cares about you, a lot. You should talk to him. Get some air.. It will make you feel better, I promise." and with that she got up and left me to reflect. 

I threw my blanket off my face and sat up to find that she had left the flower on my bed. I took a deep sigh and wiped my eyes as I picked it up. I detached the note that was hanging loosely from the stem and read it through blurred vision. 

Until the last one dies...

I threw the flower as far away from me as I could. How could he possibly think I'd ever believe he could ever love me or ever did? I slammed my head back into the pillow and started crying again.

I never cried. In fact I hadn't cried in public since I was thirteen; I just always found it easier to hide my feelings, and when Jack and I started going out I lost any reason to cry because he would be there for me. But looking back - it wasn't him, it was Cameron. Cameron gave me the strength I thought Jack helped me find in myself. Truth is I was weak, Cameron was the one I ran to whenever I was hurting because I was never strong enough to push it away the way I used to. 

I took a deep breath in before promptly lifting my blanket off and getting out of bed. I walked over to my desk and picked up my phone that I had turned off for the duration that I had spent in my room. As it turned on, I went to the mirror to wipe my tears and fix myself up. My phone immediately started buzzing; messages from Jack, Cameron, other Jack, Mahogany.. and Jacob. Tweets from haters suddenly feeling pity, tweets from haters feeling smug.. I unlocked my lock screen and immediately started replying to someone's texts. 

~~~~~~

"Thanks for coming.." I said as he sat down across the small round table outside Starbucks. 

It was a cold November day, it seemed the days had suddenly gotten colder since the last time I had had real human contact outside of my house. Perhaps it was a new month, perhaps it was a new state of living. 

"Of course.. Come here." He hugged me from across the table as I tried to hold in tears that I didn't want anyone to see. 

"Seriously Jacob. I know we haven't been friends for long but, I just needed someone that I didn't constantly run to, you know, I just feel like with you I can be my own person." 

"I'm glad you think that, Hayley, I'm here to listen. I won't judge you." He gripped my hand and rubbed my thumb with his as he leaned forward and waited intently. 

I told him everything I could bear to remember; I tried so hard to keep in the tears, but for the first time in four years - I cried in front of someone that wasn't my mother. And I don't know why it was Jacob. I don't know why I replied to him and not Cameron.. But I was sick of depending on people, and maybe Jacob would hurt me, but for now he was just someone who'd listen with no prior knowledge of the context - no side to choose, no opinions to state. 

After my long story and his words of consolation, Jacob said something else: "I know you might not want to hear this right now, but Jack and Jack released their song early, and I'm pretty sure it's about you." 

I sniffed quickly and looked up at him. "Are you serious..?" 

He got out his phone and a pair of earphones. He gestured one side of the wire to me and tilted his head. "O-only if you want to hear it - I understand if you don't."

I quickly cut him off "No, no of course." I grabbed the earphone and put it into my ear as I took a deep breath in anticipation. 

The song reminded me of our dreams of running away together. We'd constantly talk about moving away and forgetting everything about this town and our histories and the people we knew. I assumed that Cameron had told Jack about what was bothering me at Magcon the other month. "Flights to LA, trips to Paris." I was such an idiot. He wanted me to be there when he'd visit a new place. I remember he'd constantly tell me "Yeah this city's great but it would be better with you." I never heard it. I never heard what he was trying to say. "It's not the same without you." I was so blinded by the worst, I never heard the constant best. 

   But it still didn't change a thing, and the song was a pathetic attempt at sharing his feelings or whatever the hell he was trying to do by releasing it early. 

"Are you okay?" Jacob's voice echoed through my head as I realised I had been quiet for a while.

My eyes darted towards his. "Oh yeah." I cleared my throat. "Good song." I said quickly.

I sipped at my now lukewarm coffee. "Can we get out of here?" I asked placing the mug down.

Jacob nodded and put his phone back in his pocket as we got up. 

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