Spencer Hastings one shots

goodbye to all and may we meet again

(This is taking place around the dollhouse episodes btw triggerwarning ofc)

Am i dying? is this how dying feels?
i just slit my wrists, i think i cut through a vain, fuck i like this feeling.
The feeling of not feeling a thing.
The control i haven't felt in forever.
Cutting myself just isnt good enough anymore.
i needed something, i needed more control so i took it
Nobody even cares about me.
I'm done, i give up.
some might say i'm a coward but i've been strong for so long, now i just can't seem to find the power to be strong anymore.
black spots are covering my eyesight.
             
             Finally it's over

*few weeks earlier*

(Spencer pov)

hey were running,running away from the enemy
5 girls, taken away but hopefully finally escaping
Emily climbs first and the others follow
She sees them running to their loved onces except her and mona.
Toby cavanaugh her boy..... friend?
She doesn't know what they are she cheated and he probably hates her
But she doesn't care if he does,she just doesn't care anymore.
Toby looks at her and hopes for some type of reaction but gets none
He doesn't see the strong girl she was
He sees the broken girl she is.

My friends are out of the hospital already the doctors said that my mental health was worse then my friends.
They think that i'm crazy since i haven't talked to anyway yet.
Best compliment i ever got
Why am i not talking to anyone?: because i don't want to.
after everything that happend, i give up
I'm always the strong one but everyone has their breaking point and mine is now.
I don't wanna see my parents or my friends i just wanna be alone with my best friend: darkness
The girls walk in 'yay': "Hey spence how are you doing?" Hanna asked
I ignore her question it's like asking a dead person if they're dead!
The girls notice but i don't care
"So... why do you need to stay longer?" Aria asks
"Don't know"
"Come on you're spencer hastings you always have an answer to everything" hanna says
"They found things i did in the dollhouse and those weren't sane things as they call it"
"Like?" Emily asks
"That's privet"
"Well toby really wants to see you" she ads "he missed you"
"I don't care"
"He's your boyfriend how can you not care?"
"I cheated he hates me, i don't care"
They stare at me
"Why did you cheat?" Aria asks
"Cause i could"
"Stop this bitchy attitude spence we all know you care" hanna says rudely
"I'm not being bitchy i'm just saying the truth!, i wanna be alone now."
"Don't you care about toby!" Emily asks
"No i don't and never did!"
"Please just leave me alone" and they do

I should feel guilty about what happened when we escaped but I honestly don’t.
Basically when we escaped, all our “loved” ones were there.
To my surprise, Toby was there.
I seriously was not expecting to see him there after what happened between us. I cheated on him and he got so mad.
He kept calling me a bitch and stuff
so when I saw him I froze.
As he was walking towards me I kept thinking that he might have forgiven me for what I did, but then I came to my senses.
I didn’t care if he forgave me or not
He treated me like shit and I was over it.
I was about to say a snarky comment about how he treated me when he turned and went to Emily to see how she was.
Why the fuck would he come here just to talk to Emily!
Iknow that they were friends but was it to make me jealous?
To make me feel worst about myself?
If that was the case, it didn’t work. I was completely indifferent
the doctor walks in with a sad look on his face
"Hello mrs hastings how are you doing"
"you're a doctor which means you're smart so you can answer that goddamn question yourself"
"I'm just here to talk mrs maybe you could tell me what happend in that place?"
"Ask one of those bitches cause i'm not answering"
"They are your friends mrs"
"Not anymore" i answer, he continues to ask questions after that but i just ignore him
i look at my arms they're covered with scars
A knew my weakness and used it against me because of A i can't just go home because of A i finally broke

I'm finally home
They make me go to therapy
I don't talk though
I stopped talking to my old friends the only time i talk is when i tell melissa to leave me the fuck alone
i'm laying in bed that is what i do most of the time
I havent stopped cutting but it's not like my parents care about it
toby came by yesterday but i just ignored him looking at him like he's a ghost

it's been 2months
Everyone stopped caring
i haven't been to school since the dollhouse
A also left me alone which i'm glad for cause i cannot deal with that too
Today is the day that i'm gonna do it
Today is the day where everything is gonna end
With the little strength that i have in me i walk to the bedroom with a shiny object in my hand
I already wrote a suicide letter when i first got 'home'

-i'm done, i never ment for you guys to get hurt
I never wanted anyone to be in pain because of me
But me being alive does exactly that
I've never been the strong one... and i can't do this any longer i'm sorry
Just know that i love you guys even if it doesnt look like it
toby i'm so sorry for everything i think i hurt you the most and i can never forgive myself for that
Just know that i love you and will never stop loving you
I'm gonna go now, don't save me i'm not worth it
Goodbye to all and may we meet again-

I started cutting myself this wasnt suppose to only hurt it's suppose to end me
I'm cutting deep iknow where my veins are i'm just trying to hit him.
Am i dying? is this how dying feels?
i just slit my wrists, i think i cut through a vain, fuck i like this feeling.
The feeling of not feeling a thing.
The control i haven't felt in forever.
Cutting myself just isnt good enough anymore.
i needed something, i needed more control so i took it
Nobody even cares about me.
I'm done, i give up.
some might say i'm a coward but i've been strong for so long, now i just can't seem to find the power to be strong anymore.
black spots are covering my eyesight.

(god it's been a long time again iknow but school has been hard, i passed my exams so i'm going to college peeps🤪😊 also i've started editing more> follow me on instagram _multibitch_ 
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